


Secrets of the Universe

by lordkrisdemort



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Angst, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:47:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 47,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25286344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lordkrisdemort/pseuds/lordkrisdemort
Summary: Kim Jongin and Oh Sehun were always bound to meet.
Relationships: Kim Jongin | Kai/Oh Sehun
Comments: 35
Kudos: 79
Collections: Round 4: Spring and Summer





	Secrets of the Universe

**Author's Note:**

  * For [starrysehun](https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrysehun/gifts).



> This work was written for EXO Seasonal Fest Round 4.  
> Prompt blossom: #0 / Self-Prompt.
> 
> A/N:  
> This story progresses to a better light :) Thus I have to warn you, my potential readers, that the theme this work explore should not be taken too seriously. This is a work of fiction, and we should keep it as fictional as it could be. Don't think about what happens in this work too much, okie?

**Opening Act**

Kim Jongin and Oh Sehun were two parallel straight lines, stretching out through their own path of lives, with a concluded length of segment that was the constant distance between them.

They were never really in each other’s lives, despite growing up in the same ground of Icheon, a town so small they can trace its edges in a day. Jongin was the neighborhood’s typical bright boy, having been raised in a happy family of five, consisting of him, his two older sisters and a pair of warm, doting parents. Sehun, on the other hand, was rather on the dull side, growing up only with his grandparents; the parents died in an unfortunate accident even before his first birthday. They grew up in the same small town, went to the same school from elementary to high, were in the same class for more than once, but their lives never grazed against each other. Two parallel lines, with perfectly measured distance.

Cliche small towns always offer cliche fate for their residents. After high school, it was a given that Jongin eagerly left the town for university in Seoul while Sehun stayed back to take care of his grandparents and their business. In tandem, cliche huge cities led their people to the same sinkhole, and eventually life became unkind to both of them respectively. Jongin became emotionally exhausted by Seoul life, because no one told him there would be things that were much more difficult than surviving college; work affairs, love matters, and mid-life crisis that was lurking around him the whole time. While back in Icheon, Sehun became even more depressed than he was ever before, because instead of mid-life crisis, it was the realization that he was somehow the unluckiest person on Earth that crushed him, made him feel like he was a survivor of an accident he wished he hadn’t survived. But of course, none of them knew about each other’s struggles, because they’ve never even properly recognized each other’s presence before. Two parallel lines, existing side by side, but their paths never crossed, never made a point of intersection.

But the world was never an A4 paper, flat, with four edges limiting the content inside. The world was a sphere, a perfectly round geometrical object in three-dimensional space that holds endless possibilities. Thus, the two parallel lines were always bound to meet on an intersection point.

===

It’s October 1st, and Jongin is in Icheon with his family again, having been back to the town the night before. It’s a few days after his father’s birthday, and they had to wait for the three children to come home for a complete family feast. Jongin barely escaped his work place and his lover’s protests of cancelling their trip to Tokyo for the nth time. Since when did his family become the second priority after everything in Seoul? That was the question he had asked himself back then, and although unanswered, it gave him the strength to drive his car to Icheon; _it was only 50 minutes,_ _for fuck’s sake, why couldn’t you be home more often, Kim Jongin?_

For the whole day, Jongin pretended like Seoul doesn’t exist, that he never went to Seoul thus he doesn’t have to think of that city and his problems in it. But by night, when he turns his phone on again - _why why why did you do that, asshole_ -, he finds five missed calls from his lover, the name ‘Kyungsoo’ glaring at him in red. There’s also one message from Kyungsoo; ‘come back home tonight, we need to talk’, and Jongin can already feel the negative vibe from the text. What would Kyungsoo possibly want to talk about with him? Jongin knows, somehow, but come on, what would it be?

“You can’t be serious.” his eldest sister, Jungah, gives him this confused and disappointed look. “It’s already eleven.”

“I’ve promised my boss I’d be there in the morning.” Jongin gulps down the bitterness he gets for lying. “And you know I’m not a morning person. I’d rather drive tonight.”

Jungah is about to give another piece of her mind when Jaehee, the middle child, comes into the kitchen, looking appalled and in shock. “Someone just died. Like, half an hour ago.”

“Who?”

“You know the Oh elders? Who passed away in August? It’s their grandson, Sehun. It was suicide, they said. Coal burning.”

“Oh my God, that’s…”

“Mom and Dad are already on their way to help remove the coal.”

Jongin’s phone rings again. He rejects the call, knowing well Kyungsoo wouldn’t like it. Oh dear he would _not_ like it. “I’ve gotta go, noona.”

After more scolding and failed persuasion from his sisters’ side, Jongin leaves the house with a heavy heart. Rain starts pouring, and he stares at the water drops outside the window of his car bitterly. He starts the engine and drives away from his house.

His phone rings once more, and of course it’s Kyungsoo again. He finally accepts the call, and when Kyungsoo asks if he’s on his way or not, Jongin doesn’t answer the question. Instead, he offers Kyungsoo another one; “do you love me?”

“What the hell?”

“Do you love me?” Jongin repeats.

“I’ve heard you the first time.”

“Then why didn’t you answer?”

There’s a pause before Kyungsoo sighs heavily. “Shit, Jongin. This is the problem with you. You’re so fucking naive when it comes to love. What did you think being lovers would be? Just cuddling around saying I love you every second?”

Jongin doesn’t understand. “Why can’t it be like that?” Jongin can’t understand. Why can’t love be just cuddling around and saying ‘I love you’ in a whisper every second? Why does it have to be overseas trips, daily Instagram posts and stories, going to friends’ birthday parties together in color coordinated outfits, lunches and dinners at fancy restaurants, and expensive gifts that make him have to sacrifice buying cool toys for his niece and nephew?

“Why are you doing this to me?!” Kyungsoo snaps at him instead. And that’s when he knows Kyungsoo can’t really answer his question, because their perspective of love has been so different, and Jongin feels like an idiot for only seeing it now, as clear as the sky on a sunny Summer day.

But the road in front of him isn’t as clear, because the rain had gotten heavier on the way, and he can’t see the speedometer hand pointing at 90km/h while having flashbacks of the times he had put up with Kyungsoo’s emotionally draining demands. And in a matter of seconds, a vehicle from the opposing direction flashes the lights crazily while honking repeatedly at him, and he swerves out of shock and panic, and he doesn’t even know how, but the car is spinning around for a moment until it crashes against something outside, like a fly being slapped with a book against the wall.

And as he starts to feel like he’s flying away, consciousness seeping out of him, his mind forces him to admit what he has been feeling ever since he started his life in the city. He resents it, how his life has turned out to be, because in his last seconds, he can’t even remember ever feeling genuinely happy in the past three years. Maybe he really should’ve quit his ever so demanding job, as he had once planned it back in April, and let Kyungsoo go when he started seeing how their relationship wasn’t working. Damn, that too. He hasn’t even loved someone properly, to its fullest. He hasn’t even been in love with someone who loves him back, who is satisfied with who he really is. He hasn’t loved properly. And now he’s dying? What a waste of 26 years.

He really wishes he had quit his job and went back home.

_Can someone turn back the time?_

And that is how the two parallel lines start to bend their path, and the concluded segment between them begins to decrease.

But how does it work?

* * *

**Act #1**

“So you were driving, and then crashed against a tree?”

“Yeah.”

“See? You can’t drive properly even in your dreams.”

Jongin wakes up on April 1st with a headache, which he likely got from a very long and weird dream. He can’t even recall what it was about; all that stays in him is the uneasiness in his chest. He doesn’t even know why, but he’s sure that he was miserable in the dream. Or maybe he could call it a nightmare instead. And maybe his subconsciousness had pulled an April Fool's prank on him.

And so, Jongin proceeds with his daily life, getting more and more stressed each day. His work in a huge company with a fast-paced business process is taking too much of a toll on him. In the midst of the chaos, he still forces himself to be available for his relationship with Kyungsoo, but it’s hard to maintain it when Kyungsoo won’t even forgive him for not replying to, according to Kyungsoo, an _urgent_ chat, because he’s in a discussion with a client or the Directors; and it’s not even something he often does. Life in Seoul is consuming him gradually, chewing him as if he’s some kind of beef fat. Nothing is working the way he wants and needs. But of course, as everyone else around him, he needs to survive, to get through it, to “get yourself together!” and ignore the emotional burden in him in order to make money and please everybody around him.

One night, after an argument with Kyungsoo, he sits on his couch and stares at a stack of paper on the coffee table next to his laptop which had run out of battery since an hour before. And he thinks to himself, ‘ _has my life always been shitty like this?_ ’

On September 30th, he drives to his hometown and spends the day playing Funny Pirates with his niece and nephew. Their small hands reaching out for him and bubbly laughter make him forget about Seoul and its entirety. What’s about that place anyway? It gave him cool stuff and a prosperous bank account while it sneaked into his body and stole his soul.

And on the night of October 1st, Jongin hears about the devastating news of someone in the neighborhood having committed suicide. Oh Sehun sounds familiar in his ears. Maybe it was a friend from school. Kyungsoo’s multiple texts are not allowing his head to remember more about the name.

Despite his sisters’ persuasion, Jongin still ends up leaving the house. It rains lightly on his way out of the town’s border, and it’s even more dangerous than a heavy rain, because it’s the type of rain that makes the street slippery, increasing the risk of vehicles going off their tracks. Jongin can’t afford thinking about it, for Kyungsoo is asking him if he’s on his way home or not. _What about it? So what if I’m going to be home or not? Why do you care so much about such trivial shit like this? Do you even love me?_

“Do you love me?”

“What the hell?”

“Do you love me?”

“I’ve heard you the first time.”

“Then why didn’t you answer?”

“Shit, Jongin. This is the problem with you. You’re so fucking naive when it comes to love. What did you think being lovers would be? Just cuddling around saying I love you every second?”

“Why can’t it be like that?”

“Why are you doing this to me?!”

_Why are_ you _doing this to_ me _?_ Is it so wrong for Jongin to demand something from Kyungsoo for once instead of the other way around?

He doesn’t get to ask Kyungsoo that, for in a matter of seconds, a vehicle from the opposing direction flashes the lights crazily while honking repeatedly at him, and he swerves out of shock and panic.

And in that moment, everything stills for him. Like it’s suddenly in slow motion, and he can actually see things unfolding before his eyes. Seconds later, flashes of thoughts start to fill his head. Or technically, a _vision_. He’s going to spin on the asphalt for a few times before he hits something outside, probably the huge tree a few meters from him. It then downs onto him.

He’s been here before. This has happened before.

But how? How does he know this? How could he tell? Could all of this have been in the dream he couldn’t recall before?

He does spin on the asphalt, tires screeching against the concrete, until it crashes against the tree loudly. Everything shakes before it goes silent. It’s ringing in his ears.

His consciousness starts to seep out of him, like he’s being drained slowly. _Have I really been here before? Have I dreamed about this before?_

_Am I still dreaming?_

_If so, then please, let me stay here longer._

_I’m tired. So fucking tired._

_I don’t want to go back._

_I don’t want to go back._

* * *

**Act #2**

Jongin wakes up with a severe headache.

It’s like someone had hit him on the head with a boulder while he was sleeping and caused a severe internal bleeding. Maybe his brain was taken out of his head then was put back hastily. All he knows is that he feels like he’s about to explode.

Then movie-like scenes start to flow into his mind, doubling like parasites. He recalls, albeit not too vividly, crashing against a tree while he was behind the wheel. He recalls lying on the pavement motionlessly, the rain dropping against his face like someone else up there in the sky was crying and poured their tears on him. What a scary nightmare.

Laying his life on the hands of aspirin, Jongin proceeds with his day, barely functioning. Everyone in the office is pulling their lame April’s Fool pranks on each other, and Jongin would’ve enjoyed all of it very much if only his head hadn't been feeling as heavy as a mountain. As the day goes, more scenes from his nightmare invade his space, and the eerie thing about it is that it all seems too real, too domestic, to be just a dream. It was like the content of the memory box inside his head was leaking into the dream department. The scenes are clear enough for him to fathom that they’re too detailed to be just a fragment of his subconsciousness’s work.

He refuses to meet anyone for the day, including his boyfriend and his best friends. He takes early leave and goes straight to the bed once he arrives home. Shutting his eyes close tightly, he wishes the day would be over, because there’s a gnawing feeling inside his stomach that he can’t shrug off, and he hates it.

  
  
  


The next day, and the day after that, and the week that follows, Jongin feels fine like usual. His body finally functions properly and he’s glad that he can get lots of work done in the office; working for the Creative Department in a huge company that produces the nation's top artists has never been slow and easy.

But the gnawing feeling doesn’t go away; it worsens every day.

Because Jongin finds himself feeling the sense of deja vu constantly.

It’s not even the normal deja vu one would get, the type of deja vu that gives you the feeling you’ve witnessed something before but can’t explain when, where and how. What Jongin has been experiencing is the kind of deja vu that actually tells him what is _going to_ happen beforehand. He just has this hunch out of sudden while doing something or talking to someone, and he would stop for a moment to watch to find if the scenes that appeared in his head would really unfold in front of him. And he’s right every single damn time.

“Put a lid on that container first.” Jongin finds himself already speaking before his mind approves his lips’s decision.

Chanyeol frowns at him before he glances at the container in his hand, filled with hot chicken soup. “I’m just moving to that table. Baekhyun likes it the most.”

“Just… put a lid.”

“It’ll only take me like 5 seconds.”

Jongin sighs in defeat. He doesn’t even trust himself that much, so he shouldn’t force his hunch to Chanyeol. “Well then.” he shrugs.

Chanyeol proceeds to walk across the cafeteria, only to collide with another person who was rushing towards the door, and just like a horror movie, half of the chicken soup spills onto the tiles. Gasps and chuckles soon fill the room while Chanyeol stays frozen on his spot, almost crying at the sight of his wasted food on the floor.

Jongin can’t even say ‘ _told you!_ ’ to his friend, because it only proves that something is very wrong with his mind.

===

“I don’t know what else to say. I’ve made my point, it’s up to you now.”

It’s Saturday night, and Jongin decided in the morning that he should spend the day with Kyungsoo. Something bad happened between them in his dream, and he would like to prove himself that it’s not going to manifest in his reality. Kyungsoo had welcomed him with open arms when he arrived in the latter’s apartment in the afternoon, and somehow they engaged themselves in a make-out session; something mandatory for couples who visit each other’s places. They had Kyungsoo’s kimchi spaghetti for dinner, downing the delicious food while posing every now and then for Kyungsoo’s Instagram story.

But then one conversation about a party Kyungsoo’s ‘important acquaintance’ will hold next week came, and the talk started to get heated gradually. Jongin had told him he didn’t think he would be available by the specific date because he and his team have been doing bull work for the new album of one of their artists, which means there is no neat schedule; they just work and work until they finish before the deadline. Kyungsoo couldn’t find the humor in it; the important acquaintance would host a party that will be attended by even more important people, and Kyungsoo claimed that those important people could be a great help for Jongin’s career in the future.

“I just want the best for you.” Kyungsoo speaks again, after saying he ran out of words; Doh Kyungsoo _never_ runs out of words. “I’m not forcing you into anything.”

In his mind, the scene plays where he would surrender to Kyungsoo’s demand, promising him he would come to the party. Then the scene speeds up to the part where they actually attend the party, and he gets a call from the studio, then he tells Kyungsoo he has to leave, which makes Kyungsoo fume with rage that he drops his glass of wine and shocks everyone around. It’s a disaster lurking around them. He can’t let it happen.

Thus he tells Kyungsoo, “thank you, for wanting the best for me. But honey, I’m not going. Let me worry about my current work first, then my future.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes widen slightly at him. Maybe his boyfriend isn’t used to him disagreeing with him like this; Jongin always made sure Kyungsoo gets what he wants. “Okay.” he finally says. “I’m still going, though.”

“Of course.” Jongin tries to melt the tension by taking a hold of Kyungsoo’s hand. “I want you to have fun.”

Seeing the consistent frown on his boyfriend’s forehead, Jongin pulls him into his arms. “I will.” Kyungsoo says, voice muffled against his chest.

Talking like this actually feels great. Having Kyungsoo understand his stance is great. At least the gnawing hunch has a use in this matter; or did it appear to make him fix things with Kyungsoo? Sounds plausible.

The hunch, in the end, earns him a great love making session for the night.

  
  
  


But of course, in the end, not every argument could be solved with the hunch and love making.

Jongin always tried to overlook Kyungsoo’s habit to guilt trip him in every problem they have. Their relationship still ends up taking a heavy toll on him. His work has its fair share in it as well, demanding his entire energy and soul. Even with the gift of actually correct premonitions, Jongin still gets lost in the current.

So he starts to think; what if the hunch is helping him fix his life as a whole instead?  
  


And if he wants to fix his life, the very first thing he should do is -

“Let’s end it now.”

“Are you being serious?”

“I am.” Jongin tells his boyfriend of almost 3 years. He wonders how he could stay so calm like this in front of Kyungsoo. “You know things don’t work between us anymore. Maybe it never did. But we tried, and I’m grateful that we gave a chance to us.”

‘ _Do you love me?_ ’ he recalls himself asking that in his dream. While driving under the rain, before crashing his car against something. Maybe with this, he would never get to that point.

“Did you rehearse that?” Kyungsoo’s voice is heavy with bitterness. “You sounded so ready to break up with me.”

Somehow Jongin laughs at that statement. “I swear I didn’t.” he shakes his head.

“What did I do so wrong?”

Jongin almost answers the question, but then he gets reminded that he, too, has his own flaws, which makes him have no right to list out Kyungsoo’s. “Nothing, Soo. It’s just that we’re not the one for each other. You deserve someone who gives you all of their attention, and you know I lack that.”

They weren’t cut out for each other, that’s why. That’s what he should’ve seen since long ago. But at least now is not too late.

“I wish you did something horrible so I could hate you.” Kyungsoo tells him. “But you’ve been so good to me, Jongin. I know I get too demanding sometimes. Thank you, for keeping up with me for so long.”

In the end, they’re both just humans. With so many flaws they try to cover with decency and bright smiles.

“We’ll stay friends.” Jongin assures.

Kyungsoo chuckles bitterly, yet he kisses Jongin on the cheek. A sweet parting gift for the sake of the good times they had together.

“We’ll definitely stay friends.”

===

When he was a child, his father once told him something about the moon.

Back then he had questioned why did the sun become dimmer at night, and his father, amusedly, tried to explain to him that it wasn’t the sun that came up to the night sky among the tiny little dots of stars; it was the moon, and it was equally beautiful in its own way.

‘ _Did you know,_ ’ his old man then proceeded to tell him, as they stared up at the satellite, ‘ _that the moon talks?_ ’

Little Jongin found it weird. How could it talk? And how was he supposed to hear it when the moon was so far away from him? ‘ _It does?_ ’

‘ _It does. And you can hear it the best when you’re happy._ ’

His father was always heavier on the creative, artistic side, always coming up with the most bizarre thoughts to share. But that one ‘trivia’ about the moon was carved in his head and brought into his years of growth. Of course the moon doesn’t talk, but Jongin found himself always making time to stare up at the moon and stay very quiet until he could hear its whisper; it’s all in his head, but he was never bothered to be a realist.

‘ _You did well today!_ ’ the moon would tell him, among other similarly encouraging things.

‘ _It’s alright, you can do better next time._ ’ the moon would comfort him, when things get a little bit rough.

And one day, he stopped hearing them.

Maybe he got too busy to look up at the moon.

  
  
  


Jongin goes home to Icheon on September 26th, a day before his father’s birthday. His father is genuinely surprised by his arrival, frozen before a bright smile spreads on his old man’s face. He doesn’t recall getting this very warm welcome in his dream, and he figures out that he must’ve done something right this time.

“How long will you be staying?” his mother asks him, still giddy from seeing her one and only son being there. “I hope it will be at least 3 days.”

“I haven’t planned when I would leave, though. Maybe I’ll be here for the whole week.”

“But your work?”

“Relax, I didn’t sleep for 2 days in a row to finish it.” Jongin grins despite earning a pinch on the side of his torso from his mother. “I’m here to be lazy so please don’t expect anything from me.”

“The dirty dishes miss you, son.”

“Mahn, I knew it.”

Jongin enjoys the next few days just existing in his house. He wakes up to his mother and sisters’ chatters and has proper breakfast every morning, helps his father with gardening and helps his eldest sister Jungah with the kids - he teaches them dancing, the passion he wanted to also make a living out of yet failed to do so.

The life in this small town is so slow paced, almost lulling, and he regrets that he didn’t spend much time coming back here. It gives him the kind of peace he always needed.

On October 1st, though, there's horrible news coming from his neighborhood.

“It’s the late Oh elders’ grandson, Sehun.”

He doesn’t remember hearing that name in his dream, but he could recall hearing the exact same news in it.

“Some of our neighbors are already there. They’re cleaning up the place while waiting for the ambulance to take the body away.”

“Are they even sure the kid is gone for real?”

They said Oh Sehun committed suicide by intoxicating himself with excessive charcoal burning in his house.

“He just lost his grandparents. Poor kid. Today is the 49th day.”

“What about his parents?” Jongin finds himself asking.

“They died when he was still a toddler.” Jaehee frowns sadly. “A car accident, it killed his parents and his sister. He was the only survivor. His grandparents raised him.”

“He must’ve felt so alone.”

Something urges Jongin to stand up and grab his jacket. “I’ll be out.”

“Where are you going?”

“Helping them clean up the place.” he doesn’t even know why he’s doing this. All he knows is that he’s walking out of the house towards where the crowd is.

Some young and adult men are already doing the work, wearing masks to block out the smoke. His father is also there, and he immediately gets called the moment he’s spotted. An elder gives him a mask, which he gladly wears on his way towards the late Oh’s house.

“Poor child. He lost his parents and sister when he was still so little, then lost both of his grandparents on the same day 49 days ago.”

He gulps down the familiar gnawing feeling as he stands outside the door and waits for the men inside to hand him buckets of burnt coals. Then he brings the bucket to the nearest trash bin to dump the content into it. The process gets repeated for a few times until his ears catch the sound of the ambulance’s siren blaring from far.

“Make way!” the paramedics come in and enter the house. Jongin stands by the side with his father, feeling blank. The atmosphere is heavy with pity, and Jongin wishes someone had wondered what they could’ve done for the deceased instead of wondering why the guy killed himself.

The paramedics then appear again out of the house, carrying a stretcher between them with the body on it, covered in white cloth. Jongin hears the horrified gasps clearly before something starts to ring inside his ear, deafening him in a sudden.

The ringing sound gets louder and louder, and just like magic, the headache comes back in a blast, dropping the whole mountain onto him again.

His father’s face is the last thing he sees before it all goes black.

* * *

**Act #3**

It’s April 1st again.

Jongin remembers everything.

He remembers waking up on his bed in his apartment in Seoul like this. He remembers doing it for more than once, on the same day, at the same place and time. He remembers working on a project that hasn’t even been announced by now. He remembers warning Chanyeol to be careful with his food because he had seen it spilling over to the ground in his ‘dream’. He remembers living his days feeling a strange kind of deja vu, an eerie hunch, that always gets proven to be correct. He remembers trying to fix his relationship with Kyungsoo, trying to make Kyungsoo see him more than just a boyfriend he could brag around, and then failing to do so, parting ways with Kyungsoo on a good note. He remembers coming home a day before his father’s birthday, making his entire family delighted with his presence. He remembers altering the events he had dreamed about, in consideration that the dream was a signal for him to fix his life.

He remembers helping around at the Oh’s house, where the one and only grandson killed himself. He remembers standing by the side, at the front yard, watching as the body was carried on a stretcher.

He remembers falling down and losing his consciousness.

It’s not a dream. He can’t prove it, but he feels it. It’s not a dream. It can’t be just a mere false awakening, just him dreaming in a dream. It can’t be just a hunch as well, a premonition, like he got to take a peek at the book of his fate.

But then what is this? What is this?

First, he died. Then he collapsed. Both on October 1st, and he got taken back to April 1st again and again.

What is this?

===

After a week of living like he’s experiencing everything for the second - or even third - time, Jongin decides that he has enough.

If taking this path means misfortune to him, then he should quit it. Change lanes. And that’s what he does in the second week after April 1st; he submits a letter of resignation to the company, plans about cutting things off with Kyungsoo, and starts packing his stuff up after putting his apartment on sale.

His resignation would be processed in two weeks, they said, and Jongin professionally gives them his word to get the important things done. Chanyeol nags at him the whole time, asking again and again why is he leaving, why is he throwing away his budding career, why is he leaving him, will he still be his best man at his wedding, would he even attend his wedding (“You haven’t even proposed to Baekhyun, dumbass.”)

He takes Kyungsoo to dinner at his favorite restaurant and carefully, extremely carefully tells him that they should put an end to them; Kyungsoo doesn’t take it well, and Jongin feels so apologetic, but at the end of his rage, Kyungsoo admits that they never clicked well since the first place. The night ends awkwardly, and Jongin’s sure he would be the kind of ex Kyungsoo would talk about with slightly boiling blood. But at least he’s got one thing done.

It’s funny, almost scary, how he doesn’t even think twice about this decision. His mother keeps asking him if it’s what he really wants over the phone on the night he finally informs his family that he’s coming back home for indefinite time. Jongin realizes that he hasn’t thought about everything properly, but he also doesn’t feel any sort of doubt or regret in him. “Yes, Mom.” he answers with a determined tone in his voice, despite taking a good moment to come up with it. “It’s what I want.”

He needs a change. He needs to see what would happen if he changed his path. He’d go insane if he lives while knowing what would happen next, what would he become.

When his resignation is official and his apartment already gets its buyer, Jongin drives home with a light heart.

===

“I never had a proper rest since I started living there.”

“I know. It was obvious.”

“I wanted some change.”

“It’s good to want a change.”

“I’m not staying here forever. I swear. I’ll just be here until I find something else that I really want to do. Not forced to.”

“You’ve told us that a few times already.”

“Then why are you looking at me like that?” Jongin whines at Jungah, who immediately came from Busan when she heard the news of her little brother moving out of Seoul. The eldest of the siblings has this kind of stare that skins you alive.

“I’m not judging you, if that’s what you’re afraid of.” Jungah raises an eyebrow. “I haven’t seen you regretting whatever you’ve done, so I guess you’ve made up your mind pretty well. You’re an adult now, I have no say in your life choices.”

Jongin doesn’t regret a thing indeed. He just feels guilty that his decision has become a heavy thought on his family. “But…?” Jongin coaxes nervously.

“But I’m worried, nonetheless.”

“Worried about what? My future?”

“About what you really felt back there that made you take this decision.” the frown on his sister’s forehead eases down. “What happened?”

_I got a very weird dream that kept telling me I’d be doomed._ “I had a kind of… enlightenment.”

“And what did it make you see?”

“That I was unhappy.”

He was never happy. Sure, he did the best he could to maintain the things he had; he gave all of his effort to his work in sleepless nights, always tried to be there for his boyfriend, made tons of friends and connections that could be handy in the future, all while keeping tabs on his family. He had thought it would be satisfying if he achieves those things through his sweat, thought it all would one day be worth all the hardships. But his work started to suffocate him even more, and his love life became a series of wondering if just being there wasn’t enough for him to be loved. In hindsight, he was never truly happy, despite his life seeming like it was going on well.

Jungah drapes an arm around him, and he naturally rests the side of his head on her petite shoulder. An old habit that dies hard.

“I’m glad you got through it.” his sister tells him, voice motherly. It gives him a huge sense of relief; at least he’s not being a burden to his family. That would be the least thing he wants.

“I’ll wash the dishes everyday. I promise.”

“Of course you will, brat.”

===

He sees Oh Sehun.

At first, he didn’t recognize the guy right away. His eyes just got stuck on him because his face looked familiar enough to make him stop and wonder if the guy was really an acquaintance. He was stuck for a moment, and the guy was starting to recognize him staring, when his mother came to his rescue.

“Hello there, Sehun.” she calls for the guy. “Here with Grandma?”

The guy immediately bows at them, and Jongin can actually see he’s very shy at the moment. “Yes.” he replies, voice almost inaudible.

“She’s giving me a basket of persimmons today. I’ll drop by the restaurant very soon!” Jongin then feels his arm being nudged. “Why aren’t you saying anything to your old schoolmate?”

Jongin blinks at his mother, confused. “Huh?”

“Both of you were in the same school, weren’t you?”

“I’ll get going first.” Sehun cuts in, bowing again shortly. He then walks away, a little bit hurried, black sneakers slightly screeching against the tiles of the convenience store.

“Cute kid.” his mother sighs heavily before turning to him. “You really don’t remember him?”

“You know I’m bad at memorizing people.”

“He’s Sehun. The only grandson in the Oh’s residence. The one living at the end of our block, you at least know that house, right?”

‘ _You know the Oh elders? Who passed away in August? It’s their grandson, Sehun. It was suicide, they said. Coal burning._ ’

He had lived the whole week well enough that he almost forgot about the weird dream. The premonition he never asked for.

“How come we never met?” Jongin asks, more of a wonder.

“You both went to the same school. All of them. He attended some of your birthday parties too.”

“Wait,” Jongin stops pushing the shopping cart, “how come you remember him more than I do?”

Something fills his mother’s face, like a kind of sadness that comes from empathizing. “All the moms in our neighborhood remember him very well. We’ve always kept an eye on him.”

‘ _Poor child. He lost his parents and sister when he was still so little, then lost both of his grandparents on the same day 49 days ago._ ’

He doesn’t ask more after that.

  
  
  


He sees Oh Sehun for the second time while doing his morning jog.

The guy is holding plastic bags in each hand; they seem like food ingredients. Jongin stops on his track under the tree, a few meters from the entrance to the morning market, taking the time to wipe away the sweat on his face and neck with a small sized towel. He watches as the guy stops by a motorbike, hanging the plastic bags on a single small hanger under the handles before wearing a white colored helmet.

Oh Sehun rides away from the parking lot. Jongin suppresses down the gnawing feeling into his stomach.

  
  
  


The third time he sees Oh Sehun again, Jongin decides to greet him.

It’s easy now to spot Sehun around after Jongin has become aware of his existence. Oh Sehun, the grandson of Oh Dongmae and Lee Yanghwa. The son of late Oh Yeonseok and Im Yoona. The younger brother of late Oh Serin. His neighbor since he was born, who has been living in the same block for his whole life. He wonders if he really had forgotten Sehun just like that, because there was no way he never met him back then; they went to the same school for 13 years, for goodness’s sake. They should’ve at least bumped against each other in the halls.

However, he knows very well that there’s no use to wondering about things he’s not even sure of. All he knows is that this guy is supposed to kill himself on October 1st, and maybe he could actually do something to prevent it.

Why does he want to prevent it? He’ll think about it properly later.

“Hey.” he musters up, cursing internally when it comes out painfully awkward.

Sehun looks a bit startled by the sudden greeting, almost dropping the book in his hand in the process. He bows slightly, just like what he did before.

They’re in a bookstore; Jongin originally came here to rent some old manga. The building itself is already old, battered by decades worth of weather changes. Jongin remembers being loud with his classmates here back in school days, when the lights were still very bright and the books still had crisp and clean edges. It’s heartwarming how things don’t really change much around here, and this bookstore still stands tall despite the chipped, yellowing paint.

“I’m Jongin.” he shoots out another attempt. “Remember?”  
  


Sehun’s face is so unreadable it starts to intimidate him. The guy’s wearing thin specs today, which makes it harder for Jongin to tell what he’s thinking of. “A little. Sorry.”

“It’s fine. I don’t really remember my school days either. My brain doesn’t have that much memory capacity, I guess. I keep deleting stuff in it to make space for new ones.”

His attempt to melt down the atmosphere with his lame joke goes futile. Sehun’s face doesn’t move an inch.

“Do you like manhwa? I came here to rent some.” he fires away nonetheless. Shame’s already eating him up, he should just go with it.

“Yeah.” Sehun mumbles, and Jongin notices that he’s been eyeing a novel. It’s been there in his hand since he arrived here. The poor guy likes novels. _Great observation skills, Kim Jongin! Next time use your eyes too when you want to bullshit someone._

“Do you like dried persimmons? My mom made so many and they’re very delicious.”

“She sent a huge container of it to our house yesterday. Thank you.”

Jongin leans back in awe. “Wow. That was the longest answer you’ve given me today.” he blurts out without even thinking through it first.

_Wonderful job, Kim fucking Jongin!_

As expected, Sehun immediately puts the novel back on the shelf and turns around. He stops for a moment to bow slightly at him again before fleeing away from the scene.

Jongin sighs heavily. He wonders how he made friends back in Seoul with this kind of stupidity.

  
  
  


Somehow he sees Sehun even more often. It’s expected that he sees him when he eats at Sehun’s grandmother’s restaurant, shops for some groceries at Sehun’s grandfather’s convenience store, or jogs in the morning around the market. But he also starts noticing him in the most random places; the bookstore was the first, then the accidental meeting at the cafe near the bus station far from their block follows, then it’s outside the dance academy Jongin used to frequent at when he was in highschool, at the playground near his now closed kindergarten building, even at the vehicle spare parts shop. Jongin keeps seeing Sehun, and he keeps greeting him with a friendly smile, while Sehun keeps giving him that signature slight bow before proceeding to ignore him. It has become a routine that Jongin isn’t even surprised anymore to find Sehun in the least expected place, and Sehun doesn’t even look awkward anymore when he swiftly walks away to avoid any form of communication with him.

Is Sehun annoyed because of him? If he is, then he’s hiding it pretty well behind that stoic face. And Jongin can’t say that he doesn’t care, but he just can’t stop trying until Sehun is willing to be associated with him.

Why is he even trying so hard? So what if he can be close to Sehun? Would it mean he can just tell Sehun ‘ _hey, bro, don’t kill yourself maybe?_ ’

Why does he even care? Just because he knows something, doesn’t mean he has to do anything about it. Especially when it doesn’t even concern him.

Jongin reasons to himself that it’s out of the sense of humanity in him.

  
  
  


Summer was slow, but now that it’s nearly ending, it seems like it has passed so quickly. Jongin now wears a jacket whenever he goes out considering that the wind has become stronger and chillier. He has been upgraded from a mere dishwasher to the floor sweeper and gardener in the house. It’s crazy how his need of productivity can be fulfilled by doing house chores; it’s a great stress reliever, and now he can finally proudly tell Chanyeol through their chatroom that flowers do cure sadness in some way.

“Maybe you can make us flower crowns for the wedding.” Chanyeol says through the speaker of his phone; his giant friend had demanded them to do a video call so he could see the garden better. “Baekhyun wearing a flower crown would be so pretty.”

“Didn’t he reject your proposal?” Jongin frowns at the screen where he can see Chanyeol.

“He said he isn’t ready yet, and we both should wait. But he didn’t say he didn’t want to marry me!” Chanyeol whines. “Stop making me anxious you little shit.”

Jongin laughs so loud he falls on his butt on the grass.

He sees Sehun less often. The guy is still there at the restaurant, at the convenience store, at the morning market, but he doesn’t see him in other places anymore. It doesn’t help that Jongin himself has been occupied with helping his father renovate the canopy of the terrace in their backyard. He still attempts to show Sehun his friendly smile, though. And Sehun, despite looking a little bit dimmer each time, seems like he appreciates the attention.

“His grandmother is at the hospice.” his mother breaks down to him one night at dinner. Jongin’s chopsticks pause mid-air at the news.

“I heard she’s supposed to be sent to the hospital out of the town for better care. But she keeps refusing the idea.”

“Have you visited her?” it’s his father who asks. It’s just the three of them, and Jongin is somehow too stunned to react.

“I have, a couple of times. Secretly. Auntie doesn’t want to worry the neighbors.”

“How about the grandson? Sejoon?”

“ _Sehun_.” Jongin finally adds in his voice. Not the right timing, but his effort is appreciated.

“Right.”

“He’s been taking care of his grandparents diligently. He also takes care of the restaurant and convenience store. Poor kid, he’s all alone.”

Jongin’s lips move first before his brain could approve. “Is there any way we can help him?”

He’s greeted with his mother’s judging eyes. “You said you don’t remember him.”

“Doesn’t mean I can’t help him.”

“Sweet boy. But relax, the moms around have done a couple of things to help. Money isn’t the issue for the Oh’s, so we figured out we could help with sending them food and clean their house once every two days. The trivial things.”

“What about helping him with the restaurant and store so he could focus on looking after his grandparents?”

“We’ve offered that. Sehun refused.” his mother sighs. “We have to know when is the right time to give someone space while helping them.”

Jongin sulks for the whole night. No wonder why Sehun has been looking so dim lately; he has a lot in his hands. And Jongin wishes he could help, but he doesn’t even know how.

He looks up at the moon from the back porch of his house, but the moon is still giving him the silent treatment. Something he deserves after ignoring it for so long.

  
  
  


“You can take a seat first.” Sehun gestures at an empty table near the door.

“I’m not here to eat.” Jongin says with a grin.

He earns Sehun’s doubtful frown. Even behind the specs, his eyebrows still glare at him. “Then…?”

The restaurant isn’t really crowded for the moment, considering the lunch time has passed. He’s well aware of the stares the waiters and waitresses are giving him; curious instead of judgmental. Probably because they never saw anyone paying a friendly visit for their boss here. 

“I’m here to apply for a job. Your assistant.”

“... I don’t need one.”

“You seem like you do, though.”

Sehun glances around, still baffled. “I… really don’t?”

“Look, I’ve been unemployed for like three months and I’ve gotten so bored at home you wouldn’t believe it. Let me do this job. At least I get to take in fresh air. You don’t even have to pay me, free lunch would be enough.”

“Even if I don’t pay you, you’ll still be an addition in this place, which means I have to take responsibility for you as well because who knows when you’ll burn your hand or break some plates? Besides,” Sehun’s voice fades a little, “I can’t afford to give you free lunch because the average amount of the excess food is already allocated to my workers who aren’t fortunate enough to buy three meals a day for themselves. You’re more than capable of holding a feast. So. I don’t need an extra pair of hands. But thank you, for your good intention.”

Jongin has gone through many rejections before; it’s just that the ones getting rejected were always his songs and choreographies, not himself. So he leans back, shoulders deflating in defeat, to process Sehun’s words properly. “That was the longest talk you ever did with me.” he blurts out instead.

“Have you been stalking me?” Sehun asks instead, and Jongin almost chokes on his own saliva.

“I - of course not - why would I?” Jongin waves his hand. “I just thought you needed some help since your grandmother is in the hosp-”

The change on Sehun’s face shuts him immediately; the curiosity and suspiciousness were replaced with the stoic look again. But somehow it’s ten, a hundred, a thousand times colder than it used to be. “I don’t need your pity.” he murmurs. “If you’re done, you can see yourself out.”

Before Jongin can even react, Sehun is already disappearing between the curtains that separates the cashier counter and the entrance to the kitchen. Jongin wishes he can take his lips off from his face and give it a good scold.

  
  
  


“Mom, am I an idiot?”

“Who said that? Who should I hit with my broomstick?”

“Just answer. Please.”

His mother narrows her eyes at him for a moment before reaching out a hand to caress his black locks. “Jongin, son, you might have had your… _bizzare_ moments -”

“What does that even mean -”

“- but you were never an idiot. Certainly. Now. What made you think like that?”

_Sehun hates me now_ , Jongin wants to say. But it would sound irrelevant to his mother, so irrelevant that it would be strange and invite many curious questions he can’t properly answer. So he just settles with a long sigh as he slumps on the couch. The TV has long gone boring after today’s soap drama ended. “It’s just that, I haven’t been doing anything right.”

Chuckling warmly, his mother pats his head gently like she would with their now senior dog Monggu. “Isn’t it good that you know you’ve been doing something wrong? Because it means you’re going to know what’s right, and you’re going to do it to make up for the wrongs.”

“Mom, easy words, please, my head hurts.”

When will he know what’s right to do for Sehun? He’s growing impatient just by the thought of trying and trying. But he owes it to Sehun. If his knowledge can save a soul, then he owes it to them.

===

Before he could come up with something right, the world already beats him to doing something wrong.

Sehun’s grandparents both pass away on the same day.

It’s a rather cold day in the last weeks of Summer; it’s Thursday, August 13. The trees are still vibrant, the sky is still clear blue, but the temperature somehow noticeably drops and everything looks somber already. A burial for both of the elders is held in a cemetery at one of the hills around the outskirts of the town. The grandson had asked that his grandparents be buried instead of cremated, since both elders have loved nature so much they’d surely love to be one with it for eternity.

A lot of people came to send them away. Most of them are people from the same block, others are regulars at the Oh’s restaurant. There are a few elders standing near the still wet soil, faces calm yet mournful. No matter at what age, a loss of someone close to you would be taxing.

The process isn’t long, per the grandson’s request. No eulogy, no long bible reading. The neighborhood’s moms assured Sehun they would take care of the after funeral reception at their house - _his_ house now, since he’s become the sole owner of it. When they’re all ready to head back down to the town, Sehun asks to be given some time to rest around the cemetery, and they all willingly comply with it. Now they’re making sure that he has a ride later to go back.

“I’ll do it.” Jongin whispers to his mother in the middle of their discussion. “Just don’t tell him now. I’ll do it later.”

They all leave, and it’s now just him and Sehun, who’s sitting under the tree on the top of the small hill. The black suit he’s wearing looks a little bit oversized on the arms, but his wide shoulder makes up for the unfit cut. His hair gets ruffled by the wind and Jongin finds him staring blankly at the skies; he’s not wearing specs today.

“Hi.” he announces his arrival in a small voice.

Sehun glances at him. “Hey.”

The short and almost inaudible ‘ _hey_ ’ sounded so forlorn that it tugs the strings in his heart. “I’m…” he gulps down to moisten his dry throat, “I’m your ride home.”

“Oh?” Sehun looks genuinely surprised. “Did they make you…? I’m sorry.”

“No no no, I wanted to. I was worried. I volunteered. To make sure you’re okay.”

_What the hell am I talking about?_

The stoic face is back again, like a loyal shield that protects him whenever an inconvenience happens. “You shouldn’t have. I can walk.”

“It’s a long way back home.”

“Exactly.”

Something tells him that the single word meant more than just that.

“I’m here as a friend, okay?” Jongin kicks at the grass covered soil. “I’m here to take you home and listen to whatever you want to let out. I’m here. You’re not alone.”

To his surprise, Sehun lets out a chuckle. But it sounded so bitter. “As a friend?” he repeats, as if he’s spelling a word he hates. “When did I become your friend, Kim Jongin?”

Jongin’s breath hitches at the mention of his name. Sehun had spelled it as if he’s so used to saying it; or maybe resenting it.

“We went to the same kindergarten, the same elementary school, middle school, even high school. You never even knew me personally. I was just another schoolmate to you, one you forgot once you left this damned town. You still look confused when your mom clearly called my name and told you we were schoolmates. And now you’re telling me you’re here as a friend? And that you, what, you’re going to listen to whatever I’m going to say?”

“Why…” Jongin mumbles, “why are you so angry?”

“I don’t know!” Sehun snaps back, standing up from the ground. “I just hate it, I so fucking _hate_ it, when someone acts like they know what I actually feel, what I actually want. Especially when the person never knew I existed until recently. A person like you. I’m alone. I’m fucking alone. Don’t sugarcoat my misery. I was damned to be alone.”

Jongin wants to retaliate, to make Sehun taste his own medicine; he’s good at spitting venom as well. It’s not cool that Sehun takes his genuine care as an act of self-profession. All he wanted was to make sure that he’s okay, but now he’s getting the short end of it.

However, he can’t muster up a single word. Not when he watches Sehun start crying silently in front of him.

The tears just fall, and fall, and fall, rolling down Sehun’s pale cheeks. Sehun doesn’t seem like he realizes it, though, because he’s still staring back at him with resentment, eyebrows almost tangled with each other.

He can’t really take those venomous words seriously when the one who spat them is hurting so much like this.

“Okay.” he finally says. “I’m sorry.” Jongin walks backwards slowly. “But at least let me take you home.”

Thankfully, Sehun nods in agreement a moment after. He wipes his tears away, looking ashamed, probably for having cried in front of someone he just snapped at. Jongin turns around and starts walking slowly down from the hill, glancing back occasionally to check if Sehun is really following him. He can’t even bring himself to be mad at Sehun; not when Sehun is walking with his head hung low like that.

The ride back to their neighborhood is filled with painfully awkward silence. But Jongin doesn’t mind it at all; he lets Sehun have this moment to himself. The guy is slumped against the passenger seat, eyes on the skies again. Jongin wonders if Sehun’s been trying to see something or someone up there.

“Thank you.” Sehun lets out almost inaudibly once he closes the car door.

Jongin nods like a robot. “I… I’ll be going.” He doesn’t want to burden Sehun with his presence.

“Okay.”

“Will you…” _be okay?_ “Nevermind. Bye. See you soon.”

Sehun doesn’t reply, only turning around to start walking up the stairs to the porch of his house. Shoulders deflated, head still hung low. Even from the back, from the distance, Sehun still managed to look sad.

Jongin drives away with a heavy heart; something doesn’t feel right.

===

The gnawing feeling follows him everywhere, in every second.

He tries not to stumble upon Sehun. Ever since that encounter, he believes that he’s the last person Sehun would want to see. So he doesn’t visit the restaurant anymore and gets extra careful when he has to shop in Oh’s convenience store. He even takes a different route for his morning jog. But that doesn’t lessen the heaviness that he gets from his worry about Sehun.

Could this be the moments that lead up to Sehun’s decision to take his own life?

He can’t let that happen. But he also can’t show himself in front of Sehun. He’s scared Sehun would go even further away from him if he’s stubborn. So he keeps the distance between them, all while experiencing agony.

“What happened to you and Sehun?” his mother asks one afternoon, making Jongin almost spit out his orange juice because _wow, do I have a psychic as a mother?_

“Nothing?”

“You’ve been avoiding bringing stuff over to his house. Did something happen when you took him home?”

_Just how did you manage to guess it right, Mom??_ “Nothing.”

“Whatever it is,” his mother shoves a container into his hands; it’s kimchi, “put it aside. His pain is much bigger than whatever misunderstanding you guys had.”

“We’re not even that close to have misunderstandings.”

“And you don’t have to be that close to empathize with him. Bring that over.”

That's how Jongin finds himself standing idly in front of the gates of Sehun's house, hugging the container close against his abdomen. He keeps weighing up and down about whether he should press the bell button and wait until Sehun comes out so he can hand the food over personally or just press the bell, put the container on top of the short pillar, and run for his life. This is ridiculous. What would Sehun even do to him if he sees him? Punch him in the face? He wouldn’t mind.

However, his reverie gets cut short when he hears the creaking sound of the front door being pulled open. Sehun appears on the front porch, somehow managing to look small in his black oversized hoodie and black sweatpants. Jongin gulps to soothe the sudden dryness in his throat, and that’s when their gazes meet, subtle and awkward. It seems like Sehun is not appreciating a guest for the meantime.

Jongin sighs in relief when Sehun proceeds to wear his slippers and walk towards the gates. Sehun stares at him a bit more, then greets him first. “What’s up?”

“Kimchi.” is all Jongin could bring himself to say as he lifts the container. “Mom made it for you.”

He observes the change in Sehun’s face; it’s still hard to read his thoughts. “She didn’t have to.” Sehun mumbles, opening the gate. The steel creaks loudly. “Thank you very much.”

“Are you going somewhere?” Jongin asks as he hands the food over.

Sehun stares down at the container. “Was going to get some kimchi from the restaurant’s kitchen. Then you showed up with this. Guess I’m not going out.”

“Whoa. What a sick coincidence.”

“Yeah.”

They float a bit more in the silence. “Doesn’t it suck to eat alone?”

“... not really.”

“It’s better to eat with someone.”

“It’s still eating.”

Jongin sighs in defeat. He doesn’t even know why he’s doing this; Sehun obviously doesn’t appreciate his presence that much. Why is he doing this?

“I’m sorry.” he suddenly hears Sehun’s voice, almost inaudible. “For the other day.”

He’s confused for a moment, then he recalls that day at the burial when Sehun lashed out on him. “It’s fine. Would’ve totally forgotten about it if you didn’t mention it. Don’t worry.”

“And thank you. For taking me home that day.” Sehun continues, eyes still glued on the container. “You stayed there with me in that moment. Thank you.”

‘ _I’m alone. I’m fucking alone. Don’t sugarcoat my misery._ ’

In hindsight, Jongin could finally see what Sehun had really meant with his resentful words; he was alone. He’s scared because he’s all alone now. He never got the chance to experience living with his direct family, and now the only people that took care of him are gone. He’s not just lonely, he’s literally alone.

‘ _I was damned to be alone._ ’

The unpleasantness inside his chest grows bigger and bigger, getting heavier and heavier. Jongin wants to tell Sehun a thousand words because he feels like this is the moment where he should say something to the guy in front of him, but he doesn’t even know what to say, he doesn’t know what he should say to Sehun. He’s not even sure of what he’s actually feeling inside him. Is this really a pity? Is everything he’s doing just a mere act of humanity? Or does he really care about the guy who looks like he could put an end to everything in his life seconds after?

His silence must’ve meant the end of the conversation for Sehun, for the guy’s now giving him a small wave with his hand. A tight smile spreads on his lips as he starts turning around slowly. Jongin’s eyes are heavy on Sehun’s back, following the figure until it disappears behind the door. He hears him locking it. And just like that, he’s once again shut out of Sehun’s world.

Taciturnly, Jongin turns around on his heels, the rubber of his sole making a crunching sound against the dusty pavement. He feels like he shouldn’t go, but there is nothing and no one holding him back.

He feels like crying, but he has no right to.

===

The gnawing feeling, the premonition, the hunch, whatever it is, has returned. It takes his focus away, forces him to think of bad things while having good times, and just generally messes him up. He was used to stress and anxiousness, but not to this foretelling of the happening something horrible. And it drives him insane, inching more towards the edge day by day.

When he finally realizes what day it is, he finally hits his last straw.

He puts his shoes on hastily and runs out of the house. It’s already Autumn, which means the night air has become ten times colder than weeks before, yet Jongin sweats all the way to Sehun’s house. Something is burning inside him and it keeps him running.

When he arrives, he finds the front gate left open. Something sinks into his abdomen. _But it’s still September 30_ . He pushes it further to make way for himself and goes up to the front door, only to gasp when it’s also unlocked. _Isn’t it supposed to happen tomorrow?_

Then he almost collides with the owner of the house. And much to his favor, he has shocked the guy that he earns a loud scream.

“How the fuck are you here?!” Sehun manages to say while catching his breath.

Jongin drops onto the floor; his previously wobbly knees hit the polished wood first, then his bottom settles down. He feels disoriented. “The door,” he mumbles, “was open, I think…?”

“You know the doorbell exists for a reason, right?” Sehun huffs. “I’ll forgive you for literally trespassing. What’s wrong? What happened? You look like shit.”

Slowly, Jongin leans backwards until his whole back touches the floor and rests his head down with a slight thud. He stares up over the ceiling and lets out a heavy sigh. “I don’t even know.” he murmurs out. He really does _not_ know.

Sehun comes in his sight, thick eyebrows frowning, obviously judging him. “And what are you doing on my floor?”

“Just. Chilling.”

“It’s starting to look creepy to me.”

He chuckles loudly, bitterly. No one would ever know what kind of _creepy_ he has gone through. Jongin’s head lolls aside, and his gaze falls on the fireplace, and slowly his eyes adjust to see the black stones stacked in it. “What are those?”

“Coals?”

Coals.

‘ _It was suicide, they said. Coal burning._ ’

“Why would you have so many coals?”

“Uh, it’s getting colder? It’s the middle of autumn, if I may remind you.”

That’s not it.

That wasn’t why Oh Sehun stacked up coals in his house.

“Don’t you have an automatic heater or something?”

“Did you come here to judge my house?”

He shoots up from the floor, immediately standing to get on the same eye level with Sehun. “Promise me you won’t do anything stupid.”

Sehun frowns. “Like what?”

“Like killing yourself.”

Maybe he could have worded it better. Maybe he should have worded it better. Or maybe he should have talked about something else in Sehun’s favor. Maybe he should have just asked Sehun to hang out with him tomorrow night instead of being home alone.

Because he regrets it immediately, the way he had said it, when he sees Sehun’s face darkens.

“Get out.” Sehun whispers lowly. “Get the fuck out.”

“I… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to -”

“Get the hell out of my house.”

“Sehun, I’m so sorry -”

“Who do you think you are, Kim Jongin?” Sehun’s voice gets louder and harsher. “You kept on butting into my business. The hell is wrong with you?”

“I’m just -” Jongin gulps, “I just wanted to help -”

“Did I fucking ask?? I’ve told you I don’t need your pity! I don’t need you!”

“You do need me, prick!” Jongin finally explodes; it catches Sehun off guard. “You need someone who cares for you. You need someone next to you! Everybody needs someone! What makes you think you’re different? Why are you so sure you’re damned to be alone? Is it just because you lost all of your family? They didn’t even leave you on purpose -”

Jongin doesn’t get to finish his words, for Sehun already cuts him short with a hard punch on his face. The pain explodes in a matter of seconds; is his cheekbone broken now?  
  


“Shut up.” in the middle of the buzzing sound in his ears, he hears Sehun’s low, malicious whisper. It sends cold down his spine. “Shut the fuck up.” Without missing a beat, Sehun shoves him hard aside. “You know nothing about me.”

Anger rises inside him in no time, bubbling dangerously. “Oh fuck you.” he straightens his figure and walks towards Sehun. “I know nothing but at least I give a fucking damn!” he shouts as he shoves Sehun as revenge, sending the poor guy backwards.

“Did I ask for it? Did I fucking ask for it?!”

“Why can’t you just -” Jongin’s words get cut by another punch. “Fucking hell,” he throws a punch back, eyes starting to get blurry because of the pain on his face.

Sehun grumbles as he lunges in to shove Jongin backwards again, but this time Jongin immediately catches him by the arms, making both of them lose balance due to the sudden collision of force, and they fall onto the wooden floor with a loud thud.

Breathing heavily, both of them end up staying on the floor, face stinging from the punches. They’d surely wake up with bruises in the morning. Jongin sighs heavily, still catching his breath, as he stares up at the ceiling. He’s now laying down next to Sehun who seems to be deep in thoughts; or maybe they’re both just spent after almost choking each other.

“Oh Sehun?” he calls out.

“What?”

“I’m gonna get a lawyer to sue you.”

They get quiet for a moment, both trying to process what he said, then explode in loud laughter. Bodies rocking in messy rhythm, chest bubbly and almost suffocating from the sudden amusement they found from the strangest encounter.

“Are you serious?!”

“It hurts!”

“You punched me too, jerk.”

“Well you started it!” Jongin touches his now swelling cheek. “Where the hell did you learn to punch that hard. Asshole.”

“Prick.”

They burst in laughter once more.

“Do I still get to keep the kimchi?”

“Only if you let me be your friend.”

“Is that bribery?”

“Yeap.”

A huge wave of relief washes over him when he hears Sehun’s soft chuckle. “Okay.”

“One more condition.”

Sehun groans.

“Don’t do anything stupid.” Jongin says hushedly, fearing he’d annoy Sehun again. “Please. I mean it.”

He gets his reply in the form of a soft nudge at his arm.

“I won’t.”

Maybe they’ve started to connect with each other that way.

  
  
  


On his way home, Jongin stops on the pavement and looks up at the moon.

It’s not fully round, and it’s looking very distant. He assures himself that he can’t hear it talking to him tonight because it’s very far away. Maybe if he concentrates enough, he’d get to hear the echoes.

“Did I do the right thing?” he whispers.

The moon is still silent. Maybe it’s better than getting an answer he’s not ready for.

===

Despite going to bed with a relieved heart, Jongin still wakes up feeling anxious.

After all, it’s October 1st. _The day Sehun was supposed to…_

He goes through his morning silently and cautiously, avoiding the curious gaze his mother throws at him every now and then. He tries his best to focus on slicing the whole uncooked chicken on the chopping board, having a battle with the bones. This is it. He’s supposed to be living his day normally without any worry. He’s done what he could anyway.

But he just can’t ignore the bad feeling creeping inside him.

“You can do the rest, right?” his mother’s voice catches his attention.

“Are you going somewhere?”

“Today is the late Oh elders’ 49th day memorial.” his mother says as if it’s not a big deal, as if he’s not aware of it, as if he would forget it in the evening.

And it doesn’t feel right. Not the slightest bit. Because it matters to him; it does matter a lot. “What would you do there?”

“Just helping around? The other moms have prepared everything. Sehun isn’t really fond of crowds so they’re holding a small memorial.”

“Can I go instead?”

He earns a narrowed gaze from his mother. “Since when did you become close with Sehun?”

“Since forever? I’m his school mate, remember?” Jongin puts the knife next to the chicken meat. “I’m his friend.”

Thankfully his mother doesn’t object to the idea. With that, he leaves the house in a hurry, literally running towards the end of the block where Sehun’s house resides.

The process is quite short. The table is noticeably small, where they had arranged the pictures of Sehun’s grandparents, the offerings and the incense on. They all sit back on the floor as Sehun pays respect to his late parent figures, and again, the sight of Sehun’s back looks so melancholic in Jongin’s eyes. He ignores the questioning gaze the moms give him when he stands up and takes the spot behind Sehun and mimics what the guy does, bowing down in front of the photographs. Sehun seems to notice his presence, because he pauses for a few seconds before continuing the ritual. There are two shadows casted on the table; Sehun isn’t alone now.

“You didn’t have to do that.” Sehun’s voice is small and hesitant as they sit on the stairs in the front yard. The memorial has ended an hour ago, the moms have fed them to the point where they’re afraid their stomach would explode any moment. Now they’re all back in their own homes; Jongin is the only one left.

“The more the merrier.” Jongin says, trying his best to sound nonchalant. “They deserve more bows and prayers.”

Sehun chuckles, albeit sounding distant. “Thank you.” he speaks again. “For being here.”

“I didn’t bring anything with me, though. The aunties prepared everything.”

“Doesn’t matter.”

_You, being here, means a lot more than that_ , Sehun seems to be saying, but Jongin doesn’t want to spoil himself with hopeful thoughts. “This is the least a friend could do.”

He earns a curious gaze from Sehun. “Really?”

“What do you mean ‘really’?”

“I wouldn’t know. What friends do for each other. I never really had one.”

Jongin fixes the way he sits so he can face Sehun properly. “You’re shitting.”

“I am not.” Sehun heaves. “Well, I was once close with a senior in high school. Have you heard about Kim Junmyeon?”

“That valedictorian guy? I always heard his name throughout school.”

“He tutored me during middle school and the first year of high school. We got kinda close. But yeah, he left for college, and I became a total loner ever since.”

“But then you can consider him a friend, right?”

Sehun gives him a bittersweet smile. “It felt like he was paid to be my friend.”

The statement sends a pang into his chest. Even as they’re sitting together like this, Sehun still looks so lonely, so small. Just what did Sehun go through that had reduced him into this? What happened to Sehun that had drained the light out of his entire body? Maybe Jongin knows what had happened, literally, but he just can’t imagine the impact those things had on Sehun. He’s been beaten by misfortune since he was too young to even understand it.

“I know I’m not that much of a cool person,” Jongin finds himself already speaking, “but you don’t have to pay me. I’m like, you know, a freebie. Sorry I’m just a freebie. But I’m here to be your friend.”

For a moment, he thinks he had said something that offended Sehun, because the guy only stares back at him with this unreadable look on his face. But then Sehun bursts out laughing, shoulder shaking as the impact. Jongin is confused, but he’s relieved that he didn’t annoy Sehun again.

“I like freebies.” Sehun manages to say after calming himself down. “Free stuff is always the best.”

Jongin can’t help but smile. This sight of Sehun is so refreshing; seeing such a bright look on Sehun’s face is so refreshing. “Glad to know I’m the best.” he snorts. “So. Any plans today? I mean, you’re not doing anything after this, right? Wanna hang out?”

Sehun settles down with a soft, content smile on his lips. “Nah, I think I’ll stay home for the rest of today.”

Right. Alright or not, Sehun is still mourning nonetheless. He shouldn’t force Sehun out of his bubble. Slowly. He’ll pull Sehun away slowly, yet surely. “Will you be okay?”

“I will.”

It sounds promising. Sehun’s voice is calm and sure. It gives Jongin a huge sense of relief. “Okay then. I’ll be going. For now.”

He spends five minutes walking out of the gates of Sehun’s house, just lingering around, making Sehun laugh at his weird antics. He feels like he has won something huge on his way home. Today was supposed to be gloomy, but somehow it feels like it’s the start of something good.

  
  
  


It’s not.

Turns out there’s nothing good about today. Even after Sehun’s laughter, there is nothing good about today. There’s nothing good about the rain that suddenly pours when the night comes, as if it’s telling him that something bad is happening.

There’s nothing good in the way his mother rushes to him with a horrified look on her face, hands shaking.

“Sehun just died.”

There’s nothing good in the way his mother explains to him what had happened to Sehun. Poor guy decided to be in the restaurant after the memorial, and as he was closing up, he suddenly had a heart attack. Nobody ever had the conscience to inform him that Sehun’s health was never in a perfect condition. He never thought about why he didn’t really know Oh Sehun back then in school; Sehun used to miss classes a lot due to his heart condition.

There’s nothing good about today, Jongin curses as he runs towards the front door, grabbing the car keys along. He should go to the hospital. There is no use in it, Sehun is already gone, but he has to go. He has to see it with his own eyes.

Why, why is this happening again? Why does Sehun die again?

He doesn’t get to think more, because as he’s already a few steps from his car, darkness suddenly consumes his consciousness.

_Why? Why? Why?_

* * *

**Act #4**

Life is a book of unexplainable events.

There are so many happenings, so many occurences no matter how small, which humans can’t make sense out of. That’s why humans don’t like to ask too much; the less we wonder, the more we feel peace. Trying to understand something in its most honest state would only lead to more confusion, and often what we find in the end would be too much for us to bear.

But ignorance, aside from being a bliss, is also a case of scarcity. It’s only granted to those who don’t ask, who choose to accept things the way it is. So, what happens when you wonder about something too far and still don’t get the answer? You end up not being able to accept that the thing still has to happen in your life when you know it’s ruining you.

And then, you go insane.

And that’s how Jongin’s life starts going south the moment he opens his eyes on April 1st again.

Why is he here again? Why is he back to this day again? Why is he able to recall things that haven’t happened yet? Why did Sehun die again?

Is he stuck in a loop? If he is, then what is it that has been keeping him in it?

Does he really have to live this part of his life over and over again?

If he does, then what’s the point in trying to change anything? What’s the point in trying to live his best during this time? What’s the point of _trying_?

On the fifth April 1st, Kim Jongin decides to be insane.

===

He quits his job without prior notice.

He just stops showing up to the office and rejects any call from his workmates; even Chanyeol and Baekhyun. He disappears so effortlessly. He can’t even bring himself to feel guilty when he reads the emails that inform him about the chaos he had caused by his negligence. It’s so easy to not care when you decide you have all the right to.

Chanyeol’s new text reads ‘at least tell me you’re still alive’ and Jongin finally laughs for the first time in three days; he has come to despise being alive so much that it’s starting to look like a sick joke to him.

On the fourth day, Kyungsoo comes to his apartment unannounced, having been back from his overseas trip. He snorts at the sight of Kyungsoo being utterly shocked by the horrible state his home is in; bottles of alcohol drinks and cups of instant food scattered around on the coffee table and the carpet of the living room, clothes hanging on the headrest of the chairs around the dining table, and him sprawled on the couch.

“Who the fuck are you?” is the first thing Kyungsoo says to him.

And Jongin answers with utmost honesty; “I don’t know.”

He lets Kyungsoo wander around, picking up litter and dirty clothes, trying his best to clean the place up while his boyfriend is being a useless lump. It’s fun to see Kyungsoo doing something that he doesn’t even do for himself. In the end, Kyungsoo gives up, shoving the plastic bag full of trash against the wall near the foyer in anger.

“Please notify me when my boyfriend is back later.” Kyungsoo’s voice is bitter and resentful.

“He died.” Jongin groans. “Can’t you see?”

“Kim Jongin, what the hell happened to you?”

_Nothing much. It’s just that my life keeps restarting and I always watch someone die._ “You wouldn’t believe me.”

“You’re not even trying to explain.”

“Oh, _honey_ , you never believed anything I said whenever I tried to explain myself to you. What’s going to be so different now?”

He doesn’t need to take a look at Kyungsoo to know that he has crossed the line.

“Fine.” is all Kyungsoo says before slamming the door shut. He believes that would be the last time he ever saw Kyungsoo.

It’s so easy to stop caring when you realize that all the expectations that were placed on you are caused by the relationship you created with everyone around you, thus when you cut those relationships off, the expectations go away. Jongin wishes he had realized that sooner. Maybe if he never cared since the beginning, his life would have never been so complicated.

It all happened because he cared.

  
  
  


The day he decides he should get out of the house, Jongin goes straight to a nightclub.

More alcohol drinks, bodies grinding against him, loud music that can drown his thoughts in. Why did he ever dislike this place? He usually would only come here when Kyungsoo had to meet someone and insisted him to tag along, and wouldn’t even stay for more than an hour. But this place turns out to be the best place where you can lose yourself without being judged. Insanity is tolerated here.

Some nice guys invite him over to sit with them. Good fellas. They probably won’t remember each other in the morning, which adds more to the fun.

“They look pretty.” he speaks out of a slur when he notices a handful of colorful pills on the table.

“And they taste pretty.” a guy runs a hand along his thigh; it feels so funny that he bursts out giggling. “Wanna try?”

“What are they even…”

“Our pretty Molly. Here. Let her make you feel nice.”

“Or maybe you want to try her cousin first. We name him Cocky.”

He doesn’t understand why they’re laughing so hard, but he joins nonetheless. Maybe ecstasy and cocaine have always been funny to talk about instead of being frowned upon.

“I don’t feel a shit.” he complains, a few minutes later, wiping his nose because it still feels weird after snorting the ground substance. “She’s not working.”

“Wait, my dude.”

The wait lasts for an hour, and Jongin spends the entire night feeling so alive. He finally feels so alive. He can’t believe he had wasted years trying to prove himself to everyone around him, thinking it could give him some sense of satisfaction and self-worth, only to find out today that the state of being nothing and expecting nothing is the most blissful state of them all.

Because if life is going to reset again and erase all the things he had achieved, then what’s the point in trying so hard to achieve them anyway?

===

His father calls for the nth time.

He has done a great job in letting his phone ring for many times, but the guilt that grows in each buzz is starting to take a toll on him.

So he answers.

“Is everything okay there?” his father asks with his warm voice.

Jongin tries to suppress the sobs that are threatening to come out.

“Yeah.”

“Your sisters said they haven’t heard from you for almost two months. The kids miss you. We all miss you.”

_Don’t_ . “Sorry. I’ve been so busy.” _Don’t miss me._ “I’m going to be busy for the next few months as well. So I won’t be able to call often.” _Just don’t._

“But you’re doing fine, right”

_I’m not._ “Yeah.”

When his father ends the call, he goes to his contacts and blocks everyone.

  
  
  


He feels some kind of satisfaction when he doesn’t recognize himself in the mirror one day.

He had dyed his hair to silver a few days ago. His cheeks had lost their volume, looking so hollow and malnourished. There are a few scars on his face which he gained when he was beaten up by a few guys he had pissed off in the nightclub. His eyes are read and watery, almost failing to keep themselves properly open.

This is not the Kim Jongin who works in an entertainment company, who has a lover named Doh Kyungsoo, who makes calls with his nieces and nephews once a week, who goes to play billiard with his friends Park Chanyeol and Byun Baekhyun on weekends, who sneaks into dance classes whenever he could, who goes to his hometown to celebrate his father’s birthday, who hears the news of someone having died due to suicide in the neighborhood, who then falls into a loop, who then tries to prevent the person from killing himself because he believes it would put an end in the loop he has fallen into.

This is just… a human being.

And Jongin is alright with just being a human being. He’s alright with being nothing more than that.

What is so great about being somebody anyway?

  
  
  


“I know you’re inside, Kim Jongin.”

It’s Chanyeol again. His friend has been persistent in seeing him for the past couple of months, knocking loudly on his door. Has it been two months? Or has it been three months instead? He had lost his track on time.

“I don’t know what happened to you, and I won’t be able to help if you don’t tell me.”

_I don’t want any help._ Jongin sighs heavily before closing his eyes again. He’s been laying on the floor for hours, head too heavy to function around.

“I’m moving to Tokyo with Baekhyun, dude. Next month. I won’t be back here for a long time. I might start a family there.” _Good for you._ “Are you really not going to open this damned door? This could be the last time we ever see each other.”

He’s prepared himself for that. To lose everyone in his life.

“I’m not going to give you an hour this time. I’m leaving as soon as I’m done talking.”

_Nice. Should’ve done that before._

“Seems like you’ve given up on me, Jongin.” Chanyeol sounds so dejected. “Maybe I should give up on you as well.”

_See? That wasn’t so hard._

“Goodbye, Kim Jongin.”

And Chanyeol leaves. Just like what Kyungsoo did a few weeks ago. His boyfriend gave up faster than his friend, he should’ve seen that coming. Chanyeol is gone.

He doesn’t move an inch.

In the end, he’s all alone, and maybe he has been alone since the first day he moved to this city. Everyone stayed around him because he stayed around them. Now everyone leaves him when they realize he has left them.

Something spreads inside his chest. Something bitter.

It’s not so easy to stop caring, after all.

===

Something feels familiar with the month August.

He can’t pinpoint what it is at first. The first week goes on, and he only lets the weird feeling linger around him. His days and nights get blurred as usual, dripping from the line of time, reducing his world into just a bunch of scenes taken out of a movie. The only thing that lets him know what’s actually going on in real life is the calendar on his phone.

And when the date reads August 11th, he finally remembers something, and he’s supposed to loathe himself for remembering anything, but the epiphany is just too strong that he can’t bring himself to be bitter. He doesn’t even know how the memories just popped in his mind, as if they have been hiding and waiting for the right time to surprise him.

Today is two days before the death of Oh Sehun’s grandparents.

It hits him in big tides, so hard and painful that it finally opens his eyes. The world is still going on even if he had put his life on halt. Everyone is still moving forward even if he has stuck himself on the same spot. People still live while getting through their ups and downs, still receiving blessings and falling into misfortune, still trying to get by. So many events are meant to happen, and they’re still going to happen around him no matter how strong he has glued himself onto the floor of his apartment.

And Sehun is still going to sit under the tree on that small hill where his grandfather would be buried, and if he doesn’t get there by that day, then Sehun would cry alone without anyone to drive him home.

Maybe, after all, what he shouldn’t have cared about was the consequence of caring instead of the people.

He gets up from the floor, headlight and hazy. But one thing is clear amidst the clouds inside him; he’s going back to Icheon.

  
  
  


First, he cleans up his apartment. He gathers every single piece of trash he could find, dipping his head into every nook and cranny, finding stuff neglected even for more than a year. It took him three hours to finally get everything off the floor and furniture, and he shakes his head, wondering how he survived four months living like this.

He finds a long lost polaroid of him and Kyungsoo. Taken from last year’s New Year’s day; Kyungsoo threw a fit because he lost this since it was his favorite. He was grinning in the picture, draping his arm around the equally joyful looking Kyungsoo. Was he really that happy? Was he ever happy here? Maybe he at least was enjoying the good moments despite knowing the euphoria would leave him once the party was over.

Not even thinking through, he grabs his phone and unblocks all the contacts. The very first person he calls is Chanyeol.

“Kim Jongin. You fucking asshole. _Now_ you’re calling?”

“I’m sorry.” he murmurs out. “I’m so sorry. Are you guys in Tokyo now?”

“So you were listening. Jerk. Yes, we’re in Tokyo. And in case you care, I’m letting you know I’ve proposed to Baekhyun. We’re getting married next year.”

It warms his heart. At least despite the chaos that had ensued in his life, he still gets to hear beautiful news like this. At least people close to him still get their blessings. “That’s so great to hear. I’m very happy for the both of you.”

“Are you? The last time I tried to talk to you, you only let me bark at the door all by myself.”

“I’m really sorry, dude. I was…” _lost, going insane, stoned, trying to stay afloat_ , “not in the right state to see you. You wouldn’t have wanted to. Seriously.”

“What happened to you, Jongin?” he can hear the vivid worry in Chanyeol’s voice. “I walked out on you that day because I thought that should be my last attempt to knock some sense out of you, but I regretted it so bad once I got here because I realized I would never know what happened and what’s going to happen to you. Can you tell me?”

Jongin lets out a soft sigh, running his fingers through his hair. “It was a long story. I’ll tell you when we meet again.”

“Are you saying you’re going to attend our wedding?”

“That’s the least I can do.”

“Good.” he can imagine Chanyeol smiling. “What are you going to do for now?”

Guilt creeps all over his body again. Chanyeol is still so attentive of him after what he had done to him; he makes a note in his head to apologize properly to his best friend once they meet again. “I’m going back home. To Icheon. I have some stuff to take care of.”

There's a short pause from Chanyeol. "Shouldn't you meet Kyungsoo first?"

His gut tells him that a kind of conversation about him had happened between his best friend and his previously boyfriend. Maybe Kyungsoo cared about him at least that much. “I should.” he murmurs. “I will.”

“Good luck with that. Just apologize even if he punches you later.”

  
  
  


Fate brings Kyungsoo to his doorstep the next day, right when he’s done putting his backpack and luggage near the foyer, three hours before his departure to his hometown.

Kyungsoo looks confused with how clean and almost empty the inside of his apartment is; Jongin had sold a lot of stuff online to keep the pills and bottles of alcohol coming in, and he made sure the place was clean before he leaves in case he has the chance to put it on the market. He’s more than ready to never come back here again, and maybe Kyungsoo can sense it too.

“You look like crap.” is the first thing Kyungsoo tells him after months of not seeing each other.

He would’ve laughed at the remark if the situation wasn’t so serious and he didn’t have something urgent to do. “Kyungsoo, hear me out.” he stands right before the guy. “I’m really, really sorry.”

“Of course you are.”

“I have no excuse for what I’ve done. It was all on me. All I can tell you is I’m really sorry. I’m not asking you to forgive me, I don’t think I have the right to.”

“I’m _not_ going to forgive you. Ever.” Kyungsoo’s gaze on him is heavy and painful. He deserves it all. “But Jongin, what the fuck happened back then?”

He sighs in defeat; he’s going to have to start thinking about a better excuse whenever he has to answer that question. He didn’t even expect Kyungsoo to ask, because he didn’t expect him to care anymore. “I was out of my mind. Completely out of it.”

“I think it’s more than that.”

“I could try to tell you,” Jongin’s eyes shift to his belongings near the front door, “but it’s so long, and I have to be at the subway station by three pm.”

Kyungsoo lifts a hand to check on his wristwatch. “We still have three hours and a half. If we go now and wait at the station, I think you’ll have plenty of time to sum it up for me. I can listen while driving.”

He’s speechless. He never dared to even dream of Kyungsoo initiating something like this. Something is different with the air around this guy, and now it dawns on him how Kyungsoo hasn’t done one thing he had expected him to do; give him a piece of his mind and leave. “Why would you do that?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“You should’ve just screamed me and left.”

He thought it would offend Kyungsoo, but what he sees is a pair of round eyes casting down. “That was all I did back then, I guess.”

Now he sees how much he had reduced Kyungsoo into a difficult person to deal with, and he finally realizes how ignorant he was, only seeing Kyungsoo’s faults without being aware that he had made them the justification for him to be bad to Kyungsoo in return.

“Even if I tell you, you wouldn’t believe me.” Jongin looks away. “No one would believe me.”

“So it’s not because you think I’d choose to not believe you?”

‘ _Oh, honey, you never believed anything I said whenever I tried to explain myself to you. What’s going to be so different now?_ ’

He didn’t expect the words to stay in Kyungsoo and consume him.

“Kyungsoo, for everything I said to you that day, I’m so sorry. I’m really, really sorry.”

“I used the time I got after leaving you to think. Did a lot of it.” Kyungsoo looks up at him. “You’re not the only one who needs to apologize. I’m sorry too. I wasn’t the nicest person the whole time I was with you.”

They stay idle in silence because Jongin honestly doesn’t know what to say. He didn’t even dare to wish to be forgiven by people he had hurt, let alone accepting apology from them. Feeling that he should do something despite the lack of words, he gently pulls Kyungsoo into his arms, engulfing the shorter between them completely. Kyungsoo returns his hug almost immediately.

“It’s over between us, isn’t it?” Kyungsoo then asks, which to him sounds more like a confirmation.

Jongin rests his head against Kyungsoo’s. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.”

Looking back at it now, they had a good time with each other despite their opposing traits. They started their relationship out of genuine interest in each other after all. Now that it’s over between them, it feels like they have silently agreed that the best way to keep them feeling good with each other is to take their relationship back into good friends, where they’re not obligated to bond with each other emotionally and tolerate everything.

“Since you don’t have the intention to make me believe anyway,” Kyungsoo speaks again when they pull away from each other, “why don’t you just tell me everything?”

“You’re going to think I’m crazy.”

“Babe, the worst I can do is laugh at you.”

And so, Kyungsoo drives him to the station, and Jongin tells Kyungsoo about the bizarre happenings that he had gone through. He tells his now ex lover about how his life has been in a loop between April 1st and October 1st for a few times already, how this one person always dies at the end of the loop, and how he feels lost at how to break the loop. He tells Kyungsoo about how he had lost his grip on reality, how he had concluded that nothing mattered to him anymore because in the end everything will be taken away from him and he will be put on reset again. He tells Kyungsoo that he had given up on himself and the world, which was why he had decided to stop caring, to push everyone away, because maybe, just maybe, something would turn out differently if he doesn’t live his life.

Kyungsoo stays silent the whole time, listening to him, making subtle reactions to some parts of his explanation. They share a gigantic portion of egg sandwich and bottles of cold sweet tea on the bench at the waiting area of the subway station. Jongin keeps talking, not bothering to sort his words, because he’s not concerned with Kyungsoo’s judgmental gaze anymore. This Kyungsoo is taking in everything he tells him open mindedly, and he’s more than grateful for it.

The conversation has ended for around fifteen minutes when the train arrives. Kyungsoo gives him a brief hug, and he can feel it’s for the last time. He hopes he’ll see Kyungsoo again, and by then both of them are happy with their own lives.

“Can I comment, though?” Kyungsoo asks when he’s about to start walking.

Jongin nods assuringly. “Please do.”

“Do you think that guy’s death has something to do with the loop you’re in?” Kyungsoo tilts his head. “What if you’re not just changing things to keep him alive? What if you’re changing things to keep him alive, which then would break the loop?”

“Whoa,” he breathes out, “are you saying you believe me?”

Kyungsoo shrugs, a smirk spreading on his lips. “For once, I should see from your eyes.”

Jongin can’t help but grin widely. He waves at Kyungsoo, looking at him properly for one last time, before he spins around and starts walking towards the entrance door.

  
  
  


The sun is already low on the sky when he arrives home. He inhales deeply before going in, all ready to be slapped or even get kicked out of the house by his parents. The moment he comes face to face with them, nervous eyes meeting shocked and curious ones, he immediately looks down over the floor and shuts his eyes.

Thus, it surprises him when he feels arms draping around him; it’s his father’s.

“You’re okay.” his old man says softly. “Thank God you’re okay.”

And that’s his cue to burst out in tears and ugly sobs. He can’t even bring himself to return the hug; he didn’t even expect himself to break down like this just by his father’s simple words. Maybe it’s because of the instant realization that the first thing his father did was make sure about his well being instead of confronting about his MIA chaos. Of course, he should’ve expected at least that much from his parents. Now he feels like a pathetic fool for ever stopping to care for those people who cared for him even in his questionable absence.

“What happened to your hair?” he hears his mother’s voice while he feels a hand caressing his head. “What if you ruined it…”

His father laughs a little bit too loudly, and it only makes Jongin cry more.

He doesn’t wait until he’s questioned to explain himself in the best way he could think of; he comes clean with everything, except for the part that he’s in a time loop and someone is going to die _again_ if he doesn’t do anything about it. He undertones everything as him having a not so favorable epiphany that he had lost grip on his own life and he started asking what it was that he actually wanted to do. And with all the honesty in him, he lets his parents know that he’s not happy; he hasn’t been for quite a long time.

“But what I did was wrong.” he murmurs. “I shouldn’t have dealt with my problems that way. I’m really sorry, Mom, Dad. I’m really, really sorry.”

He watches as his parents glance at each other briefly before fixating their attention on him again. “I have nothing left to say if you already know your faults.” his father sounds more serious now than when he welcomed him home, although the warmth never leaves his eyes. “So what are your plans now?”

He’s stunned slightly at the question; he hasn’t thought about it yet. He’s not sure of what he wants to do from now. All he came up with was the plan to go home and find Sehun. “I still don’t know.” he looks down over his hands. “I just… want to be happy with what I do.”

_I just want to be happy_ , he wanted to say, but he doubted his parents would be satisfied with it.

“You should rest for the meantime. Take it slow.” his mother suggests, earning his father’s narrowed eyes. “What? There’s nothing good we can get from forcing things anyway.”

“I’ll find something to do as soon as possible, Mom, Dad. Don’t worry. I won’t just sit and do nothing while figuring things out. It will only make me more stressed.”

Looking at his mother and father back and forth, watching them getting into a light bicker about him, he feels like an idiot all over again for pushing his family away back then. In the midst of trying to find himself, caring for those who care for him is the least he can do. He’s now learning about that the hard way, and he’s more than willing to go through it.

“Then should we start a farm? Now that Jongin is free.”

Horror fills him instantly. “I’m going to be a farmer?!”

===

On August 13th, the news of the death of Sehun’s grandparents arrives at their house when the sun is barely up in the sky.

He doesn’t think twice to wash up and change his clothes. Once he leaves his bedroom, he finds his mother already dressed up for the funeral as well, talking on the phone in a hushed voice. He waits patiently until she hangs up and notices him. “I’ll go with you.”

“Are you sure? I have someone to pick me up anyway.”

“It’s alright. Let’s go together.”

His mother sighs. “That means I’d have to deal with them asking me if I really let you dye your hair with that color.”

If the morning isn’t so solemn, he would’ve burst out laughing.

The burial takes place at a cemetery at one of the hills around the outskirts of the town. The process is quick, no eulogy, no long bible reading, just like what he remembers. Even the mourners are the exact same people. Funny how he had cut the flow of the water, hoping it would find another estuary, but in the end the water still ends up here. He had done such a major change in his life only to end up here again. It’s as if the Heavens are putting him in place again after letting him try defying them to no avail.

Sehun is standing idly six feet from the mounds of soil that are now the final place where his late grandparents rest. Jongin watches as the mourners come to him one by one, patting him on the shoulder, pulling him in a half hug, shaking his hand, giving him some words spoken gently. It’s like they all had a silent agreement to be careful with him. Even in this loop, Sehun still looks as lonely as ever.

The small crowd disperses eventually, and as expected, he catches the neighborhood mothers discussing who's going to offer Sehun a ride home. He slips into the circle and coughs. “I’ll drive him home.”

Of course he earns weird looks from them. “You will?” his mother frowns at him in confusion.

“He’s a friend.” he shrugs, sighing in relief internally when they all seem to buy his reason.

His mother goes with her circle, leaving Jongin walking up to Sehun all by himself. Just like in his memory of the previous loop, Sehun is sitting under the tree, shoulders slouched slightly, head held up as he stares at the skies while his hair gets ruffled by the wind. For a moment he recalls their not so favorable encounter at this place, and he figures out that he might have approached Sehun the wrong way. He should’ve known by now that Sehun needs to be treated with patience and gentleness.

Thus, he walks up to Sehun slowly, stepping onto the grass a little audibly to let the guy know his presence. As expected, Sehun turns his head around to find the source of the noise.

But Jongin didn’t expect Sehun to stare back at him, as if he’s stunned.

For the whole moment, they just stay like that, Sehun observing him with an unreadable look on his face, and him gradually panicking inside. What is Sehun thinking? He unconsciously raises a hand to touch his hair. It could be because of the silver hair. Sehun must be thinking he’s some kind of hooligan.

“Kim Jongin?”

Upon the way Sehun whispers his name, Jongin feels something sinking inside him, only to rise up again. “Oh Sehun.” he replies automatically.

Surprise fills Sehun’s face, and he’s not sure what’s the cause. “It’s really you.”

“Yeah.” He’s panicking even more now. Why is Sehun the one initiating the talk between them instead?

“Why are you here?”

“For… the burial? I came with my mom. She left with others.”

“Oh. Thank you.” Sehun seems a little bit confused. “Why are you still here?”

He forces himself to get back to reality. “I’m your ride home.” he reduces the distance between them; he’s now standing next to where Sehun sits.

There’s the familiar distant aura on Sehun again, but somehow, this time it’s not so cold, not like the one he remembers seeing. “Did they make you? I’m sorry. You don’t have to be.”

“It’s alright.” he then crouches down and sits on the grass, mimicking Sehun’s posture. “I wanted to get some fresh air. Might as well be a help to someone.”

He doesn’t get a reply afterwards, and Jongin thinks that the relationship with Sehun is supposed to be filled with this kind of comfortable silence and keeping their personal space safe without reducing his genuine intention to be there for the guy. Sehun appreciates someone around him, he just isn’t the best at expressing it.

“Are we going now?” he hears Sehun’s voice again.

Jongin nods, eyes staring up over the morning sky. “We can go now. Or if you want,” he nudges his chin towards the view in front of them, “we can enjoy this a little more.”

He glances at his side, holding back a smile when he finds Sehun sighing softly in relief while he stares up the skies again. Somehow it feels good to know he did something right.

For now, they’ll just stay like this. Small talks, gentle voice, personal space, patience. Jongin is willing to try.

“What’s with the hair, though?”

He finally bursts out laughing.

===

"Kim Jongin?"

"Hi, Oh Sehun."

It's a couple days after the burial that Jongin pays a visit to Sehun's restaurant. He spent two days fixing himself up; of course it started with dyeing his hair back to black. He talked alot with his parents and his sisters on the phone. He also let Chanyeol know about his well being through a long video call, while Kyungsoo replied to his text with short yet warm words. When he felt like he was ready to go out of the house, the very first place he thought of was the restaurant.

So here he is, sitting on the table at the corner of the room, patiently waiting for his jjampong to arrive. He didn’t really expect Sehun to be the one delivering the food himself, but he has long found out that the universe has its own way to make things fall onto their places, to lead humans towards the path they don’t realize they’re on. Jongin would like to believe he got some help from fate.

“You came alone?” Sehun asks in a low voice while setting up the bowl in front of him, looking shy despite being the one who asked.

It’s still bizzarre for Jongin to see Sehun initiating the communication. The Oh Sehun in his memory mostly only stared at him like he was a tacky color. This Oh Sehun seems so familiar yet so different at the same time. “Yeah.” is the only thing he can come up with. Why is he now the one who can’t muster up more words to say?

Sehun then flashes him a friendly smile. Weird. It feels weird to be getting Sehun’s smile this easily. “Enjoy your food.” the restaurant owner then bows slightly at him, already starting to turn around.

“Wait,” Jongin blurts out, heart thumping rapidly when Sehun looks back at him, “I… do you mind joining me? I hate eating alone.”

_But you came alone, idiot_ , he curses inside. Sehun seems taken aback with the random request, still standing awkwardly in front of him while clutching the food tray in his arms. He’s about to apologize for his ridiculousness when Sehun takes a seat across him, setting the tray down on the table before taking his apron off. “Me too.” Sehun mumbles. “Food is much better eaten with a company.”

He still remembers vividly being chewed out by Sehun in the very same place, looking at the same apron and the same face. Thus it still amazes him how things are so much different this time. Sehun is sitting in front of him, looking content, and on his own will. He didn’t have to care about Jongin feeling lonely or not eating alone, yet there he is. Maybe, after all, the drastic changes he did really caused something, although he can’t see the silver lining yet.

Warmth spreads in him. The sight of Sehun staring blankly out the window in front of him is enough to make him feel like he’s in the right place and the right time. He starts to devour his jjampong, occasionally taking glances at Sehun.

They spend the next half an hour just existing in front of each other, not engaging in any kind of communication, yet fully aware that they both have each other’s attention. Jongin now notices the subtle yet still noticeable gloominess on Sehun’s face, and he’s reminded of the things the guy had gone through a couple days ago. He wants to understand. He wants to befriend Sehun and know a lot of things about him so he can understand. He wants to understand what it was that had urged Sehun to take his own life.

Baby steps. He’s going to have to take baby steps to reach it. And he’s willing to do it. If his life is really going to reset again in the end, then at least he can use the rest of his time unraveling the mystery that is called Oh Sehun.

  
  
  


Autumn arrives like a familiar stranger. Jongin finds Sehun at the bookstore he had visited in the previous loops, and this time, Sehun greets him with a small smile of recognition.

“Are you home for vacation?”

Sehun is holding a novel, pale and slender fingers cradling the yellow pages. Jongin finds joy in remembering their not so technically first encounter in this place. “Not really.” he laughs sheepishly while picking out a manhwa book. He hopes his laugh hid his sudden nervousness well.

“Back for good?”

“You can say it like that.”

Sehun doesn’t pester more. Jongin ransacks his head to find another topic to talk about so he won’t lose Sehun’s attention.

“You like novels, I see.”

“Well, I enjoy reading.” Sehun nods at the book in his hands. “And you seem to like manhwa.”

“I prefer the scenes to be described through images than words. My head always hurts when I read too much.”

Just like magic unfolding, Sehun laughs. That statement wasn’t even funny, but he’s laughing, eyes turning into crescent moons, widely smiling lips closed to contain the laughter. It turns out to be severely infectious because at the next second Jongin ends up laughing as well, chuckling while his shoulders rock along the rhythm.

“How about listening to someone reading the story for you?”

Jongin frowns at the idea. “I’d still have to think a lot.”

“Have some imagination, will you?”

“Oh I do have imagination. My work was based on my imagination, believe it or not.” Jongin snorts. “But it’s a little bit hard for me to visualize someone else’s imagination in my head.”

He finds Sehun nodding slowly, looking like he’s processing the information. “Sometimes someone else’s imagination looks much better than the reality we live in.”

To that, Jongin can’t agree more. “I know, right?”

“You can start with a light story, though.”

“Are you trying to make me read?”

Sehun gives him a small smile, and somehow it looks smug. “So I can have a reading friend.”

The wheels in Jongin’s head start working, grinding hard against each other. This is the moment of truth. “Just a reading friend?”

“Well, if you want to be my full feature friend…”

Jongin bursts out in a carefree laughter. First, Sehun initiated the talk. Now Sehun even jokes? “Full feature friend. Okay. Let’s do that. Let’s be full feature friends.”

“Yes. Let’s do that.”

“But that also means you have to read manhwa too.”

Sehun raises an eyebrow. “Who said I don’t read manhwa? The old ones here were donated by me.”

Now Jongin stares back at Sehun with eyes as round as saucers. “ _What_?”

He earns a chuckle from Sehun. “Seems like you have a long way to know your friend.”

It’ll be a long way indeed, and Jongin is more than ready to start the journey.

  
  
  


They don’t hop onto the journey right away. They move slowly yet steadily, and what surprises Jongin is that Sehun also has his share of leading him along the way. It’s still quite surreal for him to have Sehun being the one waving at him first whenever they meet or pass each other by, to have Sehun initiating some of the talks, to hear Sehun even cracking small jokes and see him looking proud after making him laugh. Thanks to both of their genuine will to make things work, their relationship picks up its speed gradually.

It’s a given that Jongin ends up frequenting Sehun’s restaurant, catching him almost every morning when he’s out for morning jog and Sehun is on his way from the market with bags of produce in his hands, tagging along on some night shifts in Sehun’s convenience store where Sehun is the one ringing the customers, even falling in line with Sehun for slow night walks home since their houses are on the same block. Jongin still marvels at how contrasting this is to his last experience with Sehun. It feels like he had misunderstood Sehun completely, and he ends up wondering if those unfavorable encounters they had were just some kind of fever dream. Was he really dreaming? Was it all really just a dream?

Sehun has been so kind and friendly to him, as if they were really childhood friends who got separated by their different dreams. What happened to them back there? How come Jongin never got to be this close to him? He thinks he’ll forever wonder, but he also doesn’t want to 

Autumn officially begins in the second week of September. Jongin and Sehun stand idly by a tree, silently watching as leaves fall from the twigs onto the ground; some of them take their time to float before reaching the soil. Jongin chuckles when Sehun begrudgingly swats away a leaf from his hair.

At some point, Sehun finally realizes he’s being stared at, and Jongin prevents himself from laughing when he sees faint hues of pink starting to fill the apple of Sehun’s cheeks. “What are you looking at?”

“The tree.”

“You better be.” A shy smile spreads on Sehun’s lips, and Jongin wonders why his heart suddenly thumps a little too harshly inside his chest.

Speaking of his heart, Jongin gets reminded of something in the exact moment. “How did the doctor appointment go?”

Sehun had visited a cardiologist the day before per his suggestion. Jongin had lured him into telling him about the heart condition he has and had assured him he needs to pay more attention to his efforts of getting better. Turned out Sehun had been skipping his appointments and busied himself more; Jongin almost hauled him to the hospital right then and there.

“It was fine. Nothing worth worrying for.”

“ _How_ did it go, Oh Sehun?”

A month of friendship had granted him access to ask about Sehun’s personal matters. He had established his spot in Sehun’s life as a friend, as someone who cares for him, and Sehun had accepted it. “Somehow I’m getting worse.”

“Worse, as in…?”

“It’s bound to happen, really. I kept overworking my heart. Doc said it won’t be long until I make it snap in two.” Sehun snorts. “Technically, I’m prone to heart failure.”

Jongin blinks at his new friend. “And what are you going to do about it?”

He watches the whole sequence of Sehun hanging his head low, looking over the ground with furrowed eyebrows, hands shoved into the pockets of his coat, the tip of his sneakers kicking the dirt underneath it. “I don’t know yet.” the guy shrugs, much to his dismay.

His lips feel so itchy to say something, but he can’t think of anything. It still feels like it’s not his place to tell Sehun what to do; it’s still fresh in his memory, how Sehun had pushed him away harshly. Of course, the situation was different back then, he still didn’t know the right way to approach Sehun. But even if the things between him and Sehun are much, much better now, he’s still afraid that he’d do something that would break the bubble of contentment they’ve been floating in.

So he heaves and decides that there’s at least one thing he can say to Sehun. “You know I’ll be around if you need any help with it, right?”

This time, Sehun looks up to meet his eyes. For a moment he thinks he can see fear and hesitation in those orbs, which then get watered down with something that looks like hope. “I know.” Sehun tells him with a small voice. “I know.”

He can feel a small smile spreading on his lips. This should do. This should be enough for now. This should be the right path to something better.

“Which one do you like to see better?” Sehun asks out of the blue. “The flowers bloom or the leaves fall?”

Dumbfounded, he stares blankly at the tree. “I… never really thought about that. What about you?”

Sehun glances at him for a moment, a thousand unspoken thoughts swirling in his eyes. Jongin realizes that he wants to know the world inside Sehun’s head, he wants to explore them and maybe even live in it, and he will do it slowly. He’ll come into Sehun’s world like a gentle summer breeze.

“I don’t know either.” the guy settles with a shy smile. “But I do love seeing the flowers bloom.”

Jongin makes a mental note about that. If they survive this timeline, if they both get past October 1st, he’ll definitely take Sehun to witness the cherry blossom trees blooming.

===

“What do you think about life?”

In the end of September, Jongin finds himself sitting on the back porch of his house with Sehun next to him.

“Life?” Jongin squeaks out. It’s almost ten in the evening and the porch’s light isn’t that bright, thus when he turns to look at Sehun, he finds the latter’s face being lit up by the moonlight above them. He loses the words in his head for a moment. The question caught him off guard indeed.

Sehun hums, eyes still wandering over the horizon. The sky is quite clear tonight, thus they can easily see the stars scattered around the moon. Jongin wonders what does Sehun think of whenever he sees the moon; does he try to hear it as well?

“What’s with the question, though?” Jongin asks back.

He’s quite surprised when Sehun replies with a soft laugh. “Don’t mind it.” the guy mumbles. “It was just one of my random thoughts.”

Jongin has a lot to say about life after being tossed around by it, but he doesn’t want to spill the words out of his mouth; because they won’t be pretty, and he wouldn’t want to add more bitterness in the way Sehun sees the world. “What do you think about it?” he asks instead.

The silence that follows is comforting, although Jongin is also eager to hear the answer. He lets Sehun dwell in his thoughts deeper; or maybe Sehun is preparing himself to speak about it. The talk about life is not easy for someone who has gone through too much.

“It’s exhausting, I think.” Sehun’s voice is almost as soft as the night breeze that ruffles his hair. Shy, hesitant, with a tinge of mourn. “You keep being pushed into something you never signed up for.”

Jongin wants to print that sentence out and hang it on the wall.

“But then again, we’re still here. And lately I’ve started to think there’s a reason why I’m still here. And I thought, maybe I can appreciate being here a little bit.”

“You sounded like you’ve always hated being here.” He wishes he had thought about his words better, but Jongin couldn’t help it. He wants to know what he doesn’t know.

Sehun looks like he’s thinking deeply, contemplating about everything. So Jongin waits patiently just like what he’s been doing in the past few months. It’s always about patience when it comes to Sehun, and patience has brought him closer to the guy.

Then Sehun glances around, looking at the living room behind them, seemingly checking if there’s someone near them. He gets back again only to stare at him for a moment before breaking their locked gaze and then look up at the sky once more. “Do you want to know something?” Sehun then speaks softly. “Although I doubt you do. Sorry. I don’t even know why I asked you that.”

“Tell me. Anything.” Jongin scoots closer, close enough that he can finally feel the warmth from Sehun’s body emanating. “I’d always want to know.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

Sehun draws his knees together, resting his folded arms and head on it, tilting so he could face him. “Really?” he repeats in a whisper.

Naturally, Jongin copies the posture right away, making sure Sehun is staring into his eyes. “Really.”

However, Sehun’s focus drifts away towards the ground beneath them. Jongin stays looking at Sehun’s face. In times like this, Sehun looks a hundred times sadder than he already is.

“I’ve never felt like I’m alive.”

It’s not new information to him, but it still makes his heart thump loudly in dread. Sehun ends it there and leaves his mind wonder and wonder. “How so?” he voices out in the end.

Sehun shrugs slightly. “Like, you know… like I’ve just been floating around? Like a ghost or something.”

Jongin reaches out a hand and pokes Sehun’s arm gently. “You’re pretty much real, I can confirm.”

Much to his favor, Sehun breaks out a small smile for him. It doesn’t last long enough, though, because then Sehun is staring at the ground once more. “I just… looking back at my life, there wasn’t one moment when I felt alive. It was like I was a thing that just happened to move around. Like I was a ghost. I never felt like I belonged here. I’ve always wanted to leave… but I don’t know where to and what it was that I should leave.”

_Is that why you didn’t care about your wellbeing?_

_Is that why you ended your own life?_

Jongin wants to cry, but he wouldn’t have any excuse for it, so he just holds everything in.

“You’ve heard about my… rather tragic backstory, right?” Sehun continues. “All my life, I’ve only had my grandparents. They made me feel like even though I have no purpose here, at least I have them. I had two people who existed with me. Now they’re both gone. And I don’t think I have anything to hold onto anymore.”

‘ _I’m alone. I’m fucking alone. Don’t sugarcoat my misery. I was damned to be alone._ ’

Wordlessly, Jongin reaches out a hand towards Sehun, opening his palm. Sehun is a little bit confused for a moment, then he mimics what Jongin did seconds ago, putting his hand on top of Jongin’s and closing his fingers around it. “You’re holding onto something now, aren’t you?” Jongin’s voice is half muffled against the fabric of his hoodie.

Sehun blinks back at him once, twice, thrice. He looks utterly confused. As if he’s not familiar with warmth, with someone reaching out to him like this.

“You have me now. I’m your friend. You can hold onto me. You can have more people as well. Your existence is just like everyone else’s. If they’re important, then you’re important too.”

Silence settles in between them once more, but Sehun doesn’t let go of his hand like he had expected him to. The position is quite uncomfortable, their hands must be hurting right now from being lifted up like that for long, but Sehun still doesn’t let go, and Jongin doesn’t urge him to. It’s like Sehun will get sucked into a storm if he ever releases his hold.

“I wish…” Sehun whispers, and Jongin concentrates because what if he’s only imagining the voice? “I wish I’ve befriended you since long ago.”

The words echo in his head, and the next thing he thinks of are the times he spent trying to get close to Sehun in the previous timeline.

Sehun, who at first told him he barely remembered him. Sehun, who didn’t spare any second to talk to him. Sehun, who then expressed his resentment towards him for only acknowledging him by then. Sehun, who told him he was damned to be alone. Sehun, who laid on the floor with him after their fight. Sehun, who shared with him a glimpse of the story about the only friendship he ever had. Sehun, who had promised him he won’t do anything stupid.

Just how long have Sehun waited for someone, for _him_ , to offer a hand?

Just how many chances did he miss when he lived happily and content in obliviousness to others suffering?

All he can do for now is tighten his grip around Sehun’s hand, letting their eyes lock with each other. He drowns himself in the epiphany that Sehun is someone he should’ve known since long, long ago, back in their childhood days, back in their adolescent years, back in high school. He should’ve kept Sehun with him since those days. He came too late.

But at least he’s here now, holding Sehun’s hand, and for once in this timeline, he feels that he’s doing something right.

===

It’s October 1st.

Jongin wakes up with a heavily gnawing feeling in his chest.

He attends the 49th day memorial, just like what he did before. He also takes the spot behind Sehun and bows down along with him in front of the table for the offerings and the pictures of the deceased. This time, Sehun doesn’t question his actions, and gifts him a thankful smile instead. It makes Jongin feel warm and proud somehow.

And just like before, Sehun politely rejects his suggestion of hanging out together. Jongin understands his decision very well. In a day like this, someone needs some time alone to think and just deal with everything.

“Call me if anything happens, okay?” Jongin makes sure for the nth time, standing in front of the gates to Sehun’s house. He still doesn’t know what’s going to happen tonight. The thought of not knowing anything is so dreadful, it’s twisting him inside out.

Sehun sighs, shaking his head amusedly. “Yeah yeah.” he chuckles. “I’ll call you if I stub my toe.”

“I’m being serious.”

“You can’t be serious with that pout.”

“I am! This is, like, my serious pout.”

He somehow feels triumphant upon the sight of Sehun giggling, shoulders rocking along. “Idiot.” he muses. “Shoo. I want to sleep.”

Jongin playfully frowns at him before breaking into a sheepish grin. “Bye.”

The dread is still there in his chest, but the thought of laughing Sehun somehow soothes it.

  
  
  


Nearing the evening, someone arrives at his front door with a huge container of food.

“It’s from Sehun hyung.” the kid hands him the container. “It’s kimchi fried rice.”

“Where is he right now?”

“At the restaurant. He cooked this there.”

Jongin huffs in annoyance. “And he said he was going to sleep.”

Maybe Sehun wanted to distract himself from his own thoughts. He had told Jongin once about that habit of his. Doing anything he could do to keep his mind busy. Because when the mind is idle, that’s when the thoughts start to get loud.

He waits until dinner time to reheat the food. He pours all of the content into the pan, and thanks to the almost see-through plastic, he finally sees something attached to the bottom; it’s a yellow sticky note. He detaches it from the plastic and finds a writing there.

‘thank you for everything’

‘I’m happy that I gained one friend in life :)’

Jongin drops the container and runs out of his house.

The way to Sehun’s house feels so ridiculously long. This is foolish. Sehun’s house is just at the other corner of the block. But it feels like he’s running through a vast forest trying to find an opening. He knows exactly where the house is, all he has to do is to arrive there, but it feels like he’s chasing after something he doesn’t even know.

‘ _thank you for everything_ ’

What was that supposed to mean?

‘ _I’m happy that I gained one friend in life_ ’

What the _hell_ was that supposed to mean?

He finally arrives, and thankfully the gates aren’t locked yet. He pushes through and runs again to the front door, immediately banging his fist against the hardwood. “Sehun?” he calls, feeling like it’s in vain. “Sehun? Oh Sehun?!”

_What if_ …

“Oh Sehun!!”

_God, what if_ -

The door opens, revealing a sleepy and confused Sehun. “Jongin?”

His knees instantly turn weak upon the realization that Sehun is standing in front of him. Sehun is still there. _Sehun is alive_. “Huh.” he lets out loudly. It just dawned on him that he has been suffocating.

“Jongin, is everything okay?”

“I just -” he gulps down, “I just had to see you.”

Sehun frowns at him with his droopy eyes, looking even more confused now. “Seriously, dude, what happened?”

_I thought I’ve lost you again._ “Can I come in?”

“Sure…” Sehun shifts aside to give him a way. “You look awful.”

His eyes immediately dart around the living room; the fireplace isn’t lit up yet and there’s no coal in sight. Jongin finally sighs in relief. Realization of what just happened finally enters his mind. “Sorry I woke you up.” he murmurs apologetically.

He hears Sehun snorting. “It’s fine. I fell asleep on the couch while watching TV. Hey, sit down first. Do you want some hot choco?” When he doesn’t answer, dumbfounded with the question, Sehun chuckles again. “You’re definitely getting a hot choco. Be a good kid at wait there.”

“Yes, old man.” Jongin sneers, chuckling when Sehun rolls his eyes before going to the kitchen. He finds a good spot on the old yet comfortable couch, grabbing a pillow with him right away. He puts his head on the headrest and stares up at the mahogany ceiling, thoughts afloat. Is this the right thing? Is everything really going to change for the better? He’s here, there’s no coal in the fireplace, Sehun is doing good. Has he really broken the loop?

His answer comes in the sound of something crashing on the floor.

As if on autopilot, he stands up abruptly and runs to the kitchen. He can’t hear anything else except the loud drumming of his heart, his vision a haze. He finds Sehun curled up on the floor, clutching his chest, mouth falling agape in pain. He falls on his knees right next to Sehun while trying to think of what he should do despite the chaos in his head. _Think, for God’s sake, think!_

The moment he touches Sehun’s shoulder, Sehun stops moving altogether.

He goes still, frozen, like a broken robot who had just been shut down. Jongin retracts his hand as if he just touched fire. He focuses on observing Sehun’s whole figure; what if his eyes are failing him? What if Sehun is still breathing? What if Sehun only fainted? He braves himself to take a hold of Sehun’s hand, placing his fingers on the wrist. It’s cold. It’s too cold.

Sehun is gone.

_Sehun is gone again_.

And that’s when his tears fall. He mourns, and mourns, because nothing changes, and he’s so powerless in this strange world.

Life is a book of unexplainable events indeed, but if they’re not meant to be understood, then why did they have to happen and wreck people’s lives? Why do people keep being thrown into something they never asked for?

Jongin lets his tears flood onto the floor, his hands still wrapped around Sehun’s cold one. He can’t think about what he should do in this kind of emergency. What’s the point of doing anything anyway? In any minute, he’s going to meet darkness again.

_I’m sorry_ , he thinks instead. _I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry._

And he lets black void engulf him once more.

* * *

**Act #5**

_It was a nightmare_.

It’s another April 1st.

Jongin spends the entire morning on his bed, looking up at the ceiling.

_It was all a nightmare_.

He takes Chanyeol’s call and informs him he’ll skip today, feeling sick all over his body. Chanyeol buys it easily. Even offers to bring him some chicken soup. Jongin assures his friend he doesn’t have to worry.

_It was all just a nightmare_.

Kyungsoo checks up on him. He tells his lover he needs the whole day to himself for some thinking. The ever so demanding Kyungsoo grants his wish right away, much to his disbelief, telling him he’ll send some food over. Communication does wonders.

When his stomach reminds him to refuel, he finally gets off his bed and goes to the kitchen. Everything seems fine. It’s just a usual late morning he can enjoy with a cup of coffee. Chanyeol had promised to send him his share of work through email for today. It’s going to be a slow day for him, and he loves it. He should harvest energy to face tomorrows.

And each time he gets reminded of what he doesn’t want to remember, he tells himself;

_It was all just a long, long nightmare._

You believe what you want to believe, after all.

===

In this timeline, Jongin lives his life normally.

He goes to work and does his job the way he always does. His whole creative team gets rewarded after a successful comeback of the girl group they’ve been working with for months. It attracts love calls from people outside the company, and Jongin welcomes some of them gladly. He loves how he’s good at his job, and he loves the money that comes along with it.

When he asks Kyungsoo which place they should visit for their vacation this year, his lover’s eyes light up at him and the word ‘Hawaii’ falls from his plump, heart-shaped lips as they continue their make out session. Hawaii sounds great. They should go for Hawaii when the weather gets too cold here in Seoul. Somewhere between Autumn and Winter.

He purposely picks a project that would take up his whole Summer. By that, he suggests that his parents visit him in Seoul instead for the holiday. His sister Jungah also comes along with her family from Busan. He can safely say he has a good time catering to his family like this, walking leisurely around the mall with his niece and nephew at each of his sides.

He should be happy. He’s living his life as well as he could. He should be happy like this. There is not one anomaly in his existence. He should really be happy.

But whenever he looks up at the moon, it still stays mum.

Because maybe the moon knows about those times he banged his head against the wall of his bathroom, those times he gagged out nothing on the toilet bowl, those times he had to force his hands from trembling, all the while he lost himself in his work and his attempts to please people around him.

Maybe the moon knows that he has realized he doesn’t love Kyungsoo the way he’s supposed to, that he was just putting a facade of the world’s perfect lover for Kyungsoo in the past months while he swallowed in the guilt and sickening feeling in every time they touched, that he purposely led Kyungsoo to pick a place they could visit when the weather is cold so he can erase his memories of that one cold Autumn day from his head.

And maybe the moon knows that he has spent the entire time since April 1st to forget anything about Oh Sehun, only to keep failing to do so, because whenever his day seemed bright, he’d immediately think of the way Sehun’s day is dark at the same time.

It wasn’t a nightmare. It was never a nightmare. It was a part of his reality, which was the result of the jumbled lines in the universe. And he can’t find himself believing it was a nightmare, because a kind of belief has no power in front of evidence.

He’s not living his life. He’s living someone else’s, someone he wanted to be. And he wonders when he will break down.

===

Ignoring August 13th isn’t easy. He works until late, immediately goes to the bar with Chanyeol and Baekhyun once he gets off work, and comes home to Kyungsoo’s place after. He does everything to distract his mind from thinking about what was supposed to happen in the morning back in his hometown. It won’t be his problem if he doesn’t technically know.

Ignoring the guilt and dread that follow suit is harder. He keeps feeling like the worst human to ever walk on Earth. But he accepts it. He’s done playing saint anyway. It would never be held against him anyway. Again, it won’t be his problem if he doesn’t know.

Ignoring October 1st is his last straw.

“Hello, dear, what’s up?”

Jongin blinks back dumbly at the mirror above the sink in his bathroom. He didn’t even realize he was calling his mother until she greeted him. “Uh, hi Mom.”

“Yes, hi.”

“How… how are you?”

“I’m pretty much fine, thank you for asking. It’s the second time this week. Are you okay? Did you get into trouble? Because I’m ready to pull your ear out if you did.”

“I didn’t!” Jongin glances at his phone before putting it against his ear again. “Are you going to bed now?”

“Yeah, it’s our bed time, as you know.”

He stares at his own face in the mirror; he’s amazed at how well he looks. It’s as if he doesn’t wake up every morning feeling like suffocating himself with his pillow. “Mom, did anything happen today?”

_Why the hell am I asking?_

“Anything as in…?”

“Just… anything. Something huge. Something shocking. I don’t know. I’m sorry. Forget I asked.”

His mother replies with a chuckle. “If it counts, your Dad spilled half of the kimchi broth into the sink so now the kimchi in the container is dry. But dear, is everything alright? What’s with the question?”

_Nothing is alright and I think I’m the worst person in the world._

Jongin is about to speak again when he hears the faint sound of his father’s voice saying something to his mother. He then hears his mother letting out a very shocked ‘ _what?_ ’, and his mind refuses to sense anything. “Mom?”

“Jongin, dear, I have to hang up now. Let’s talk later, okay?”

“Mom?” he gulps down the sudden wave of apprehension hitting him from the inside. “What happened?” _Why am I still asking?_

“Someone in our block just died.”

He gulps one more time because his throat suddenly feels severely dry. _No._ _Don’t ask. Don’t ask. Kim Jongin, don’t ask, for fuck’s sake, don’t ask._ “Who?”

His mother is talking to his father again for a moment before she answers, “Sehun. Oh Sehun. Your old schoolmate?”

‘ _You know the Oh elders? Who passed away in August? It’s their grandson, Sehun. It was suicide, they said. Coal burning._ ’

‘ _It’s the late Oh elders’ grandson, Sehun._ ’

‘ _Sehun just died._ ’

“Oh…” he mumbles into the phone’s speaker before he lets it slide away from his grip, hitting the sink in a loud clunk, while he himself falls on the floor knees first. There’s a ringing sound in his head that gets louder in each second that passes by. His sight blurs out, making him unable to recognize his surroundings. He can actually hear his heart rapidly thumping inside his chest, the echo bouncing on his eardrums.

‘ _I’m happy that I gained one friend in life_ ’

Pain starts to fill his head, squeezing him from the inside. He presses his hands around his skull, trying to counter it, but to no avail. Everything. Everything hurts.

‘ _I know I’m not that much of a cool person, but you don’t have to pay me. I’m like, you know, a freebie. Sorry I’m just a freebie. But I’m here to be your friend._ ’

‘ _I like freebies. Free stuff is always the best._ ’

Everything hurts, because he thinks it’s all his fault. Because this is not what he wanted to happen. Because he regrets not going back to his hometown to meet Sehun. Because he regrets choosing to ignore what he shouldn’t have ignored. Because even if Sehun would still end up dying, he should’ve been there, he should’ve caught Sehun in his arms, should’ve sent him away properly.

Everything hurts, and he knows he deserves the pain.

‘ _I wish I’ve befriended you since long ago._ ’

He was there when Sehun had told him that, he had stared right into Sehun’s eyes when Sehun had whispered those words to him, and he still dared to leave Sehun alone?

He had witnessed with his own eyes, how Sehun became the brighter light for the both of them. He had realized somewhere along the way that the reason why the previous Sehun was so different from the one he first met; Sehun saw him as someone lonelier and sadder. He _knew_ Sehun toughened up himself to reach out to him first. Yet still, he dared to let Sehun be alone?

He had promised Sehun that he’d be there for him to hold onto, and he broke it.

‘ _I’ve never felt like I’m alive._ ’

It doesn’t matter whether Sehun kills himself or dies because of his illness. It never mattered for Sehun. That was why he never did anything to get better. It all never mattered, because he never felt alive. To Sehun, permanent death was no different from the life he was put in, but at least he can put an end to his vain existence through it.

It doesn’t matter that he dies, because he has never been alive.

Because no one was there to make him feel alive.

And the realization that this could’ve been prevented if only he entered Sehun’s life earlier is torturing him.

He could’ve been the reason Sehun wanted to be alive.

_I’m sorry. I’m an idiot. I’m sorry._

He chuckles bitterly before darkness swallows him in again.

* * *

**Act #6**

‘Wed, April 1’

Jongin stares at the screen of his phone.

‘Bro, you coming to the studio?’

And instead of giving himself into the hands of consternation, Jongin spares his time and sanity to think.

‘Morning babe <3 Italian for lunch?’

Why is his life on loop? Why does this keep happening? Was he dreaming? Is this a dream? Some kind of sickening inception? Was all of that even real? Has he been hallucinating?

Did he die back then when he crashed his car against a tree the first time? Is this some kind of afterlife where he’s given the chance to do one thing right to give himself satisfaction before leaving?

If that’s the case, then what’s with this date? Why did he always go back to April 1st? Why did his time always end on October 1st? Has he been dragged into some kind of time travel where his life is stuck in a loop? Does the time travel happen when it’s triggered by an event? Was Sehun’s death the event that caused him to go back to April 1st?

Is Sehun, in the end, the key to end this loop?

What if he can break the loop by making sure Sehun stays alive and survives October 1st?

If that’s the case, then Jongin has to go back home as soon as possible.

This time, he’s saving the both of them.

===

What Jongin finally sees when he comes home are the constant things in the middle of the drastic changes in his life.

For example, Jungah’s scolding that he gets as soon as she sits in front of him in his old bedroom. She gets even more annoyed when he keeps smiling at her, because in all honesty, Jongin adores the way all the women in his family are so caring and protective. He was really blessed with three beautiful angels.

Then the warmth and worry in his parents’ eyes. His mother keeps asking if he’s really sure about what he’s doing; she’s still shocked that Jongin suddenly left his life in Seoul just like that. His father is more worried about his future, but at the same time he seems alright with the decision. “Don’t regret anything about this later.” his oldman reminds him, and Jongin replies with a tight hug.

Then the sunlight that greets him in the morning through the windows of his old bedroom. There’s just something about the sun in his hometown. The light has an even more yellowish tinge on it and the warmth is comfortable. Maybe those details were biased by his fond memories of his childhood, and it’s alright if that’s the truth. He thinks it’s alright to romanticize little things like this once in a while if it can help him cope with the ugly truth of the world.

There’s also the creak from the hinge of the gates to his house. No one ever found the way to fix it ever since he was in middle school. Overtime, that creak has become a sound he was fond of, because that somehow served as a ‘welcome home’ greeting for him. When he heard the creak, that meant he was home, done with the world outside his cocoon.

And of course, the moon. The one who used to congratulate him for going through the day and comfort him whenever he felt like he wasn’t doing good enough. It’s still not talking to him, but it’s still there, it’s always there to watch over him. He wishes he can hear its sound again soon.

There are so many things that stay the same despite the changes he forced onto his life. He finally sees how those constant things have kept his existence intact, have prevented him from losing all of the pieces of himself. They’ve been his anchor without him realizing it. With them around him, he’d still be able to recognize his life despite the differences he had caused.

“Are you smiling at the sky?”

Jongin spares a glance at his sister. “Aren’t you supposed to be leaving for Busan now?”

“I am.” Jungah gestures at the duffle bag in her hand. “What were you doing?”

“Painting the sky in my mind.”

He hears Jungah’s amused laugh. “Haven’t heard your weird blabbers for so long.”

“Sorry.”

“No, hey, I miss them.” The sudden change in Jungah’s voice makes him turn at her completely. “I miss listening to your unique thoughts about everything possible. We used to talk about them when we’d miss you after you left for college.”

For a moment, flashes of scenes of his youth play in his mind. Those days feel like they happened eons ago, so long ago that he can barely recognize them despite the memories being in his head. But one thing he can distinctly remember is that he was happy. He was carefree, hopeful, and on top of them, he was happy. “I’m sorry I’ve changed like this.” he murmurs dejectedly at his sister.

From his peripheral vision, he sees Jungah frowning at him, pulling him into a half hug. “What’s so wrong with changing, though? Nothing stays the same in this world.”

He begs to differ, because he’s seen the unchanging love his family has for him, but he lets Jungah have her moment. Jungah has always been the one vocal with her thoughts, and she was always ready to hold him whenever he was upset. “I just wish I’ve changed for the better.”

“How do you even define changing for the better? What’s the measurement for better? It’s all the matter of perspective.” she shrugs. “And I don’t see anything bad on you right now. For all we know, you’ve changed for the better.”

“But if I’ve changed for the better,” he lowers his sight onto the ground, “why do I feel worse?”

Jungah doesn’t answer him, and he feels he doesn’t want to be answered either. Instead, she rubs her hand up and down his arm, and he appreciates it very much. Maybe Jungah doesn’t know what to say. Or maybe she knows the answer and she’s letting him realize it on his own too. As she said, it’s all the matter of perspective. Maybe he was happy back then because all he knew was the good of the world, and now he feels worse because he’s finally seen the bad. And maybe feeling worse is a part of changing for the better; maybe it’s the sign that he’s changing for the better.

They spend a few more minutes staring at the sky. He hopes, if he still has the right to hope, that the blue sky would be one of the constant things in his life as well.

===

He finds Sehun by luck.

He had decided on a whim to visit the cafe Jungah had talked about a few days ago before she left. It’s nearing the end of Spring and the weather is starting to grow warmer, thus he suddenly craved for some good fruit soda. He didn’t even expect to actually see Sehun this soon, let alone find him there, sitting on a stool right before the tall table, reading a book with his white headphones on. What were the odds? Is this the universe’s way to tell him he should reach out to Sehun as soon as possible?

After ordering his fruit soda, Jongin takes the table across the room where Sehun won’t notice him. This way he’s still able to watch Sehun without looking like a creep. Is he becoming a creep? He cowers at the thought.

Sehun looks so familiar in his eyes. From his face, to his tee shirt, to his thin framed glasses, even to the book he’s reading. He’s met Sehun for so many times already, of course he’s memorized him by now. But he just spent one timeline without seeing Sehun, and now that he does, he finally realizes something he didn’t expect he’d ever feel;

he misses Sehun.

For those times Sehun had looked back at him, those times Sehun had talked to him hesitantly, those times Sehun had laughed gently at his antics, those times Sehun had poured his tears in front of him, those times Sehun had shared his small smile with him, for all those times, he misses Sehun.

He can’t really find the exact reason, but he misses Sehun a lot.

But he fights back the urge in him to just go to Sehun and sit next to him. He has learnt well that it takes patience to be in Sehun’s circle, and he’d love not to start another volume of their story with the wrong foot. Thus he calms himself down on the chair, keeping his eyes on Sehun who’s now slightly frowning at something he’s reading.

Sehun looks lonely as always. There’s this familiar gloomy tinge on his appearance. In the middle of the crowded place, he’s so alone.

_I’ll come to you_ , Jongin smiles at the thought. _Wait for me, Oh Sehun._

  
  
  


“Oops, let me get that.”

He sees Sehun with a book in his hand again a couple of days later.

This time, the book had slipped from his hand and fell with a loud thud on the floor of the old book shop. Jongin immediately comes to the rescue and picks the book up, dusting off imaginary dirt on it and hands it back to the startled Sehun. He greets Sehun with a smile.

_This is where I use my acting skills._ “Oh Sehun?” he asks, widening his eyes to feign surprise.

Sehun looks even more baffled. But he manages to breathe out a small “Kim Jongin?”

“Wow, it’s really you.” Jongin offers a hand. “So nice to see an old schoolmate around here. I thought everyone left for the huge cities.”

Looking torn, Sehun takes his hand and shakes it hesitantly before letting it go. “Yeah.” he murmurs.

“You read a lot?” he asks casually, fingers already reaching up to touch the edge of the books on the shelf in front of him.

He had thought Sehun wouldn’t answer, but the guy does anyway. “I do.”

“I suddenly wanted to start reading novels somehow. Kind of tired of manhwa. Do you, maybe, have some recommendations?”

Is this alright? Is he moving too far? He wants to glance at Sehun, but he knows very well he’s being stared at by the said person.

“Which genre would you like to try first?” Sehun finally speaks again, and Jongin gets the urge to cry out of relief.

“I… haven’t thought about that.” Jongin answers truthfully. “But maybe something light and short as a starter?”

When he looks at Sehun, the guy seems to be contemplating something. “Wait here.” he then says as he spins around and walks to the opposing direction.

Jongin does exactly that, eyes wandering around the room, smiling softly to himself upon the memories that come along the sight. He and Sehun were once huddled at the hidden corner, reading Sehun’s old manhwa books. They spent the entire noon laughing at the tacky dialogues and almost ridiculous plot, wondering why they were so obsessed with the story in their young days.

Sehun’s voice cuts his reverie. “Here.” he mumbles while handing him a thin soft covered book. “You might want to start with this.”

The cover art is pretty; a picture of a train going up to the galaxy. It’s Sehun’s favorite novel. “What is this about?” he asks nonetheless.

“A teenage boy finding the consolation he needed after a tragic event happened to him.” Sehun then frowns. “Oh, wait. I think it’s not light.”

Jongin chuckles. The novel is not light indeed; it’s about a school boy who lost his best friend to a car crash and became a mess ever since. “As long as it’s short I think I’ll be fine.”

“It is short. Only around forty thousand words. You can finish it in a day.”

“Did you? Finish it in a day.”

He watches a small smile bloom on Sehun’s lips. “I did it in five hours.”

“What? You,” Jongin shakes his head, “are you sure you’re not an automated scanner?”

Finding Sehun laughing at him out of the blue isn’t so surprising anymore. Now that he’s not busy being shocked, he can see how beautiful the way Sehun’s face lights up, mirth entering his previously stoic face. “Maybe I am.” Sehun muses.

They stare at each other, only to break into laughter again.

_I’m here, Oh Sehun._

_I’m here for you._

===

Sometimes, along our lives, there are things that feel like they were always bound to happen.

Meeting Sehun, despite not being the original path in Jongin’s life, is one of them.

“Hi.” he greets softly as Sehun puts down plates on the table in front of him. He’s in the Oh’s restaurant, having ordered for himself and spent the whole waiting time watching the Oh elders exchanging endless small talks while occupying the cashier counter.

Sehun greets him back with a small smile, one that stretches his thin lips to the side. “Hey.” he puts down his soju bottle last. “You alone?”

“Yeah.” Jongin grins sheepishly. “Don’t mind me. I’m having a quality time with myself here.”

“Sounds fun.” Sehun nods, and Jongin notices the tinge of mischievousness in his eyes right away. “Enjoy.”

Jongin gives the guy a thumb up and waits until he’s walking away to start digging into his meal. A hearty meal for an empty soul. It’s not that he’s not fond of his mother’s dishes, it’s just that he missed eating here, eating the food Sehun took part in preparing, eating while watching Sehun wander around the restaurant. He misses the good things he saw here in the past timelines.

What he didn’t expect was Sehun coming back to his table, casually pulling out the chair in front of him, and sitting there.

“Grandma said you looked lonely.” Sehun takes his apron off. “Grandpa said I should keep you company.”

Jongin blinks back at Sehun, still dumbfounded.

Hesitation fills Sehun’s face. “If… you’re okay with it.”

“I am.” he nods right away. “More than okay. I was starting to feel sad.”

Sehun chuckles. Oh Sehun chuckles because of him. It feels like a huge, future-changing achievement. “Have you read the book?” Sehun asks, a tinge of shyness in his voice.

And Jongin goes on with telling Sehun how much he loved the book, what parts he found so heart shaking that he still thinks of them sometimes, what kind of message he found from the story. The conversation expands to the most random direction, and Jongin is loving it, because this Sehun in front of him is still reserved yet is also being much open that he had expected him to be. This Sehun feels so familiar yet also brand new at the same time. Looking at this Sehun while reminiscing the versions of Sehun he had met before, he feels an overwhelming bittersweet wave in him.

This Sehun makes him wonder why his heart thumps a little bit harder occasionally the whole time they talk.

This Sehun looks like someone he was always bound to meet.

  
  
  


He finds that some things were really bound to happen despite the changes.

Like them hanging out at the bookstore, having meals together in the restaurant, walking leisurely down the block, reading books under the tree at the backyard of Jongin’s house, sipping marmalade juice at Sehun’s porch, stumbling upon each other in some mornings, walking home together at nights. It’s a wonder how their routine is always like this despite meeting each other through different ways, how they always end up going the same path despite starting the walk from different points. The only difference is that they are happening much earlier than they did previously considering that their starting point was much earlier in this timeline. Jongin now has more time to walk into Sehun’s world.

But underneath those similarities, he notices something he hadn’t seen before.

“Is it too spicy? I don’t think so. What if it’s too spicy for Grandma? Damn, I wish she’s here.”

It’s one of those newly found moments where Jongin would just stare at Sehun, eyes barely blinking, head barely moving. It’s like he’s confused, but he has an idea of what he’s confused about. It’s like he’s on the brink of discovering something breathtaking and he’s trying to move as little as possible not to jinx the revelation.

“Grandpa would like it like this, though. I’m so torn.” Sehun is still with his hushed monologue, thick eyebrows almost knitting altogether as he keeps checking the taste of the fried rice he’s bringing to the hospital. Both his grandparents were admitted together a few days ago, and while he’s glad that Sehun gets lots of help from the mothers in the neighborhood, he still worries about how Sehun takes everything in. He’s been frequenting the hospital, only leaving to take care of the restaurant and the convenience store. Jongin is worried about Sehun’s health considering that the guy himself is not in the best condition.

He was originally looking at Sehun with worry. But now he can’t even put a name to the warm, fuzzy feeling that is tickling him from the inside.

“Jongin,” he’s knocked out of his reverie when he notices Sehun offering a spoonful of fried rice to him, “what do you think?”

He can’t even think straight at the moment, how is he supposed to think about the taste? Jongin still takes in the food anyway, munching on it slowly while his gaze is still fixated on the expectant looking Sehun. As always, Sehun’s cooking is amazing. Everything about the fried rice is right, even perfect. But he just can’t pull those words out. What is wrong with him today?

“So?” Sehun urges him.

“It’s very delicious.”

“That’s not what I’m -” Sehun snorts, “do you think it’ll be too spicy for Grandma?”

Jongin finally, _finally_ , tears his gaze off of Sehun to look at the pan. “I think it’s mild enough for her.”

“Thank goodness. I’ll pack this right away.”

Then Jongin looks up at Sehun again, ever so naturally, as if he had done this everyday his whole life. Sehun is stirring the fried rice one last time, a small smile adorning his lips. Has Sehun always looked like this while smiling?

This kind of moment has been happening to him lately. In the most random times that he was with Sehun, he would just stare at Sehun blankly as if he was seeing him for the very first time. Sehun always looked the same, and yet it was like there was something new on him that Jongin was trying to discover. Somehow, the details of Sehun’s face started to become so noticeable, so vivid, so prominent to him.

_The hell is wrong with you, Kim Jongin?_

This. This weird feeling. Was this bound to happen too?

===

Just like the other things that were bound to happen, August 13th arrives in front of Sehun’s door taciturnly, bringing metaphorical dark clouds and literal sorrow along.

They’re here again, on the small hill at the outskirts of the small town. The weather is rather cool since it’s the last week of Summer, the sky is clear blue like what he saw on this day back then, and Jongin thinks it’s cruel. It’s cruel that Sehun’s memory of such a beautiful day like this is associated with the day he lost his loved ones.

The first time he was here, Jongin was standing at the back, letting the elders including his mother take the front row. Back then, all he knew was that he needed to be there somehow. He was curious about Oh Sehun and the things that had led him to his decision to end his own life. Back then, he only wanted to see if he could help, if he could do something to prevent the tragedy.

The second time, he stood even further back, feeling self conscious with his silver hair. Again, he only watched Sehun from afar, only observing him from such a distance. Oh Sehun was still a mystery back then, a book he was scared to read. He didn’t even think he’d be there again. And he was glad he came back.

This time, Jongin stands next to Sehun, shoulders touching, his hand wrapped around Sehun’s. The guy is as still as a statue while staring blankly at the soil where his grandparents are resting now. He keeps his distance when it’s time for the mourners to personally deliver their condolences to Sehun, always watching from behind. Unlike in the previous timelines, Sehun here bows back to them and even engages in small talks with ones he’s familiar with. He still looks small and hesitant, but less lonely. He’s slowly becoming a part of the crowd.

“You’ll take him home, right?” his mother asks as she’s about to leave with the other mothers.

“Of course.”

She pats his cheek gently, a seemingly smile of pride on her lips. “See you at home.”

Once again, he finds Sehun sitting under the tree on the top of the hill, looking up at the blue sky, hair ruffled by the gentle wind that passes them by. This time, Sehun looks back the moment his footsteps on the grass make a sound. This time, Sehun notices his presence right away, as if he had been expecting it.

“I thought you left already.” Sehun murmurs once he’s settled down on the grass right next to him.

Their shoulders are already touching, yet Jongin still bumps his arm against Sehun’s. “How could I ever leave you?”

Sehun looks over the greens underneath them. “That was what they used to tell me.”

The last time they sat down here, it was Sehun who reached out to him first. It was Sehun who welcomed him, who looked at him with hesitant worry as if he wasn’t the one others should be worried about, who treated him with gentle kindness he still doesn’t think he deserved back then. Sehun, who didn’t have any hand offered to him, offered his own to Jongin instead.

For that moment, Jongin swears he’ll always offer his hand to Sehun.

Thus. he wraps an arm around Sehun’s shoulder and slowly pulls the latter closer to him, letting Sehun’s head fall to rest on his shoulder.

And they stay like that for half an hour, drowning in comfortable silence while their gazes wander over the sky, because the weather today is so nice, and their hearts finally don’t feel so lonely anymore.

Jongin ends up staying at Sehun’s instead of going straight home. He borrows one of Sehun’s seemingly countless hoodies and Sehun’s sweatpants; Sehun’s size fits perfectly on him somehow. He also offers to help Sehun clean up the house although it’s already in a neat state, thanks to the mothers of the neighborhood. There are containers of leftover food from the funeral reception earlier. He decides to reheat some of them for their lunch.

When he gets back to the living room to call Sehun to eat, he can’t find the guy. Wandering around the house, he finally finds him in his grandparents’ bedroom, sitting on the wooden floor with his legs drawn to his chest. Crying silently.

He hears his own heart breaking.

Slowly, he makes his way to Sehun’s side, sitting next to him like what he did this morning. Sehun hangs his head low, seemingly to hide his face. Jongin can only watch from the side. He lets Sehun pour his tears out of his body, minding the space despite having the deep urge to just gather him into his arms. The last time he saw Sehun crying, it was on this day as well, but back then the tears came out because of the anger inside him, because of the grief he couldn’t share with anyone else.

Now he finally sees Sehun crying again, and this time, he’s determined to make sure that Sehun shares the grief with him.

They stay like that for a few more minutes until Sehun wipes his tears hastily. “Sorry.” he murmurs, voice hoarse. “Sorry.”

Jongin chuckles softly. “Were you thinking about something?”

Still wiping his face clean, Sehun nods. “So many things.” he huffs. “One led to another and…”

“And in the end, they came onto you all at once.” Jongin finishes for him in a hushed voice.

“Exactly.” Sehun breathes out. “I feel stupid.”

“Wait, hold up,” Jongin narrows his eyes at Sehun, “you feel _what_? No one, I tell you, no one has the right to say you’re stupid, okay? I’ll strangle them.”

“Even if it’s me who says it?”

Jongin lifts his hands up and wiggles his fingers. “Then I’ll strangle you.”

With puffy eyes and reddened nose, Sehun bursts out laughing, shoulders rocking along the amusement. Soon enough Jongin joins the excitement, grinning sheepishly when Sehun weakly pushes him away. He’s more than glad that he can make Sehun laugh like this; it gives him the hope that he can bring comfort in Sehun’s gloomy times. That’s what he wanted to achieve. He wants to bring joy to Sehun, and hopefully be the reason behind it.

He gets lost in the sight of the brand new smile on Sehun’s lips eventually, finding himself dumbfounded by what he sees, because _have you always looked this pretty, Oh Sehun?_

At some point, Sehun ends up staring back at him, the smile never really leaving him. He then watches as Sehun lifts up a hand to reach his head and ruffles his locks. They return to their gazing session again.

The action, of course, causes his heart to thump a little bit harder than usual. He has an idea about this weird, fuzzy feeling, but he still can’t believe he’s actually feeling it.

_Do I like you?_

“Earth to Jongin?”

_Do I like you that way?_

===

They fall into their usual routine again. It’s either Jongin who hangs out at the restaurant, bothering Sehun at the convenience store, or finds himself sprawled on the floor of Sehun’s living room, or Sehun who has dinners with Jongin’s talkative parents and spends noons reading under the tree at Jongin’s backyard. They also frequent the bookstore, being the owner uncle’s favorite customers, even volunteering to help him with dusting the books. Jongin’s morning jogs eventually turn into helping Sehun buying groceries, and he must say that it’s a very valuable experience because suddenly he becomes an expert in the art of making kimbap. Sehun also ends up spending more time at his house, trying recipes with his mother and abandoning him to pout around them; if Jongin is very happy that Sehun lets his mother dote on him, he doesn’t really show it not to make Sehun uncomfortable with the attention.

But a newfound thing also lurks around, something that he has finally come in terms with; he likes Sehun. He likes him more than he likes a friend. More than he likes that Sehun considers him someone he can count on. He likes him in the way that his heart flutters whenever Sehun casually wraps his arm around his shoulder, whenever Sehun laughs at his jokes, whenever Sehun touches his arm to get his attention, whenever Sehun tells him that he’s cool because of the littlest things, whenever Sehun simply smiles at him when they catch themselves looking at each other.

He likes Sehun. And he thinks he likes him very much.

Since when did he start nurturing this feeling without even realizing it? Which timeline did it start from? What was the moment that had caused the motion? He wants to know, because he’s never liked someone like this after having connected with them through another way. With Kyungsoo, it was a quick process; they liked what they saw on each other and immediately hit it off. But with Sehun, they have gone through alot, and they’ve come to the point where they are important in each other’s lives platonically. He never experienced having the platonic love turning into a romantic one.

Thus, he honestly doesn’t know what to do.

He doesn’t know what to do when October 1st comes out of the blue, slapping him back into reality.

What’s going to happen today?

If _something_ ever happens today, would he beat himself for not realizing this feeling any sooner?

If tomorrow finally comes for him but not for Sehun, would he spend the rest of his life regretting not letting Sehun know?

“Jongin, we’re leaving in ten minutes.” he’s pulled out of his train of thoughts by his mother knocking on the door to his bedroom. To them, it’s the 49th day memorial for Sehun’s grandparents. To him, it’s the day that determines his fate.

He’s so tired of going back again and again to the same day and live the same six months, but at the same time, he knows he would still try to do anything to prevent today from going the way it did the first time.

He knows he’d do anything to be with Sehun again.

  
  
  


This time, tears pool on the corner of his eyes when he sees the pictures of the late Oh elders on the offering table.

Possibly because in this timeline, he naturally spent enough time with the elders while being with Sehun. They were one of the warmest people he had ever met, always smiling at him, treating him like he was a member of the family. They even invited his parents to a feast they held in the restaurant; that was such a great night, with his father throwing endless jokes and Sehun’s grandmother having the best time because of them.

But particularly because of what the old lady had told him in her first week in the hospital.

  
‘ _You’d look after Sehun, right?_ ’

Back then, he had nodded without a second thought. It had pleased her so much.

‘ _I knew it. You’re an angel sent from Heaven to take care of Sehun once we can’t be by his side anymore._ ’

Strange how he hadn’t thought of that exchange until today. In the last 49 days, he didn’t remember about it at all. It’s all coming back to him now as he’s kneeling behind Sehun, bowing to the pictures. His tears spill on the wooden floor which he can barely focus on due to his blurry sight.

He doesn’t even know why he’s tearing up like this. Sure, he had become so fond of the elders in the span of almost six months, and he’s also taking a share of Sehun’s sadness. But he didn’t expect his emotions to be rocked like this.

Maybe because he knows what Sehun’s grandmother thought about him was all wrong. He wasn’t an angel sent from Heaven to take care of Sehun. He’s an anomaly in the universe he’s living in, who’s subtly using Sehun to get out of the strange thing that has been happening to him.

And he feels guilty. For things he didn’t have control of. For the misfortunes he didn’t cause. And it’s taking a huge toll on him.

_I’m sorry_.

He’s met with Sehun’s confused gaze once he looks up. “Jongin?” the guy whispers.

“Sorry.” he wipes the tears off his face. “Had a moment.”

When his sight is finally clear, he sees the vivid worry on Sehun’s face. Eyebrows almost knitted together, gaze tender and delicate. This is wrong. He should be the one worrying about Sehun, not the other way around like this. He doesn’t deserve an ounce of Sehun’s worry.

Then a soft smile appears on Sehun’s thin lips, looking meaningful, as if he understands what’s going on inside his chaos filled head. He feels Sehun punching his arm weakly, so weak he almost couldn’t feel the touch. “Crybaby.”

“Dude,” Jongin snorts, “you’re not the one to talk.”

They end up irritatingly poking at each other’s arms repeatedly until his mother steps in and separates them, literally dragging them to have lunch at the other side of the house.

  
  
  


As they sit on the stairs in front of the house, bellies full and satisfied, Sehun says something that completely catches him off guard.

“I feel like going out.”

“Going out?”

“You know, like walking around the town. Getting some fresh air.”

Jongin feels dreadful at the thought of it. “You’ll get tired. That won’t be good for your heart.”

“We’ll just walk around. No extreme activities. What do you say?”

“I’m not sure, man.”

“But _Jongin_ ,” he finally turns to Sehun at the mention of his name, “the weather is so good today.”

‘ _Any plans today? I mean, you’re not doing anything after this, right? Wanna hang out?_ ’

‘ _Nah, I think I’ll stay home for the rest of today._ ’

Back then, Sehun kindly rejected his offer to keep him company for the rest of the gloomy day.

‘ _I’m happy that I gained one friend in life_ ’

Back then, Sehun chose to go through this day all by himself.

Now it’s Sehun who asks him to walk around the town with him. It’s Sehun who subtly lets him know that his presence is very much appreciated.

How dare he say no?

“Are you sure about this?” Jongin says before letting out a sigh.

Sehun gives him a determined nod. “I feel more than okay.”

How dare he say no, when Sehun seems so excited and hopeful like this? When the eyes that are so used to being casted down are looking up at him like this? When the usually pale face now has faint hues of pink on each cheek?

“Okay.” Jongin feels like he’s under a spell. “Okay.”

That’s how he finds himself walking next to Sehun down the roads of the area he hasn’t visited much before. Since it’s already late in the afternoon, they don’t have many options of places they can go to, thus he suggested that they just stroll around the areas near their block. Thankfully the areas have enough entertainment for them to enjoy; Sehun has a very huge interest in the row of street food booths they stumbled upon a few minutes after they walked out of their neighborhood. His eyes widen as he watches Sehun gulping down his third cup of hot fishcake broth; he’s used to seeing Sehun being picky with food and eating moderately. Soon enough the shock turns into adoration when he sees Sehun grinning at the fishcake uncle. Their food escapade ends with them buying chocolate waffles.

Somehow they got their hands on a pack of sparklers and a match, and when the sky is already dark, they go to the riverside and light the sparkling sticks up. Sehun screams in horror when Jongin swings it too close to him, almost burning his right eye. The shock morphs into excitement as they both break into loud, carefree laughter, swinging the sparklers around again. Sehun now has one in each of his hands and Jongin takes the chance to take a picture of him spinning on his spot.

When Jongin decides it’s enough, noticing how Sehun’s breathing starts to get irregular, they settle down on the pavement, hugging their legs close to their chests as their gazes wander around the night sky. For a moment, his mind takes him back to those times when they sat side by side like this; on the grass on the funeral day, on the back porch of his house when Sehun talked about never feeling alive, on the wooden floor of Sehun’s bedroom when he cried next to his bed. They’re making a similar memory right now, and he’s glad that it’s a happy one.

“Thank you, Jongin.” his thoughts disperse when he hears Sehun’s voice.

He dwells on the words. Sehun is still looking up at the sky, while he’s staring at his side profile instead. It feels like they’re staring at the same thing. “It was just waffles.” Jongin answers. Was Sehun talking about him buying them waffles?

Sehun chuckles, glancing at him before looking up again. “For coming into my life.”

_Oh_.

He doesn’t say a thing to it. He doesn’t want to ruin the moment.

‘ _And thank you. For taking me home that day. You stayed there with me in that moment. Thank you._ ’

‘ _Thank you for everything._ ’

“You see, before I met you again, I never felt like I was… you know, living my life.”

‘ _I’ve never felt like I’m alive._ ’

“It was always monotonous for me. I never felt like I have a purpose in this world. I always asked myself, what am I doing here? Why am I still here if I’m not doing anything meaningful?”

‘ _\- there wasn’t one moment when I felt alive. It was like I was a thing that just happened to move around. Like I was a ghost. I never felt like I belonged here._ ’

“But then you came home from Seoul, and I met you, and ever since that day, I just…” Sehun sighs, and Jongin watches him suppressing a smile, “things just changed for me. Eventually I had something to look up to whenever I wake up in the morning. I started to talk a lot to someone who isn’t my grandparents. I felt much less empty than before, or maybe I don’t feel empty now. I started loving everything about this place because I made so many good memories with you around here. I… I started living my life. And it’s all thanks to you.”

‘ _I’ve always wanted to leave… but I don’t know where to and what it was that I should leave._ ’

“I’m living the best days of my life.” Sehun is now facing him, looking shy but also determined to express all of this. “Thank you, Jongin.”

He should be happy. He should be glad. He is, but the guilt is still twisting him from the inside. He drops his gaze onto the pavement. “It wasn’t me, really. It was all from you. You decided to enjoy your life.”

“Well, I wouldn’t have started enjoying life if you weren’t there.” he hears Sehun chuckling. “I wish I wasn’t such a shy ass back then when we were still in high school. I really should’ve befriended you since then.”

‘ _I wish I’ve befriended you since long ago._ ’

He’s happy. He’s glad. Sehun is finally smiling and being so open with him like this. It feels like it was eons ago when Sehun was crying in front of him, saying he was damned to be alone. Now Sehun is the one doing a monologue with a smile on his face.

Jongin tilts his head, as if he was lulled. “Oh Sehun,”

Sehun turns to him again, twinkling eyes blinking back at him. He had loved them when there was sadness in them, when tears were falling from them, when they were filled with hesitation and apathy. Now they look so content and hopeful, and he finds himself loving them like this as well. He loves them no matter how they look.

“Can I…” he starts in a whisper, throat feeling dry, nauseousness swirling in his stomach, “can I like you?”

Those beautiful eyes are now widened upon his question.

“I mean, I like you already by now. You know, _that_ kind of like. But are you… are you okay with that?”

_What kind of confession is this? Kim Jongin you awkward ass._

Sehun is still staring back at him, looking as if he’s on a paused video. Dread starts to fill Jongin’s chest. What if Sehun is put off because of this?

“ _That_ kind of like?”

Jongin almost cries in relief upon hearing Sehun’s voice again. “Yes, that kind of like.”

“As in, you want to keep hanging out with me, or as in you want to kiss me?”

He can actually feel his cheeks burning. “As in I want to kiss you.” he finally breathes out.

For the next few seconds, he stays frozen as Sehun bores even deeper holes onto him with his gaze. Jongin is now hearing his own heart going crazy, falling mute, then going crazy again. Should've he just kept it to himself? Should've he just let the night go on instead of ruining it?

"Oh."

Then he witnesses magic unfold before him.

The corners of Sehun's lips curl up ever so naturally, and even under the dim moonlight, he can still see rosy hues blooming on the apple of his cheeks. The previously widened eyes are now crinkled into crescent moons, long lashes looking more visible. It's as if everything is ripped off from a movie.

"I'm okay." Sehun settles in a hushed voice, so faint it almost gets carried away by the night breeze. "With that kind of like."

All the knots in his chest are freed in a sudden. "Are you sure?"

Sehun nods, almost looking so shy. "I am." He glances down at the space between them. "That's if you're okay with me… liking you that way too."

Now is Jongin's turn to be left dumbfounded. "Come again?"

"Geez," Sehun lets out a ticklish chuckle, "I like you too, Kim Jongin. As in the way I want to kiss you."

_He likes me too?_

_Whoa he likes me too._

_He wants to kiss me too?_

_Whoa he-_ "You want to kiss me too?" 

Sehun blinks back at him. "That was the only thing you caught from my confession?!" Then he gets a hard pinch on his arm. "I can't believe you, Kim Jongin you-"

"But be honest," Jongin leans forward, "do you really, _really_ want to kiss me?"

"I do!" Sehun looks horrified with his own bluntness. "But not now- why are we even talking about kissing suddenly?!"

Jongin can't hold it in anymore; he bursts out laughing, lurching forward to let it all out while a hand presses on his abdomen. Soon enough Sehun joins him with his own bubbly laughter, jokingly pushing him away. They stay laughing together for a while like that. It feels like their laughter reaches even the waters before them.

"Why are we," Jongin manages to say in between, "such idiots?"

"Who said that??" Sehun holds another chuckle back. "Who dared to say we're idiots?"

"Me. Me!"

"Then I should strangle you!"

Jongin didn't realize the space between them had been reduced to almost zero feet. He takes hold of Sehun's hands and puts them on both sides of his neck. "Go for it." He giggles.

Instead, Sehun pulls him into a hug. It successfully shuts both of them up. Soon enough the sound of the pounding of their hearts fill the silence between them.

"Thank you again." Sehun whispers into his ears. "For liking me."

Jongin wraps his hands around Sehun's torso, hesitant but also determined all the same. "Thank you for liking me back."

"Idiot."

"Idiot."

He rests his chin on Sehun's shoulder, eyes wandering up to the night sky where the moon sits while observing them. He stares and stares, feeling so content for the first time in a while.

Then he hears it.

The sound of the moonlight.

_You're okay now._

He finally hears it.

_And you're in love._

===

"Stay here tonight? I… I don't feel like being alone."

"Wow, already? Isn't it too fast- ow," Jongin steps back after Sehun elbowed him on the rib, "okay, okay. I am staying."

"Go home. Pervert ass."

"Too late, I'm already taking off my shoes." He winks as he zooms past Sehun; they’re now back at Sehun’s house, taking their time on the foyer. Jongin goes towards the living room with Sehun tailing behind him.

"You're so annoying." He pouts at the statement. When he turns around, he finds the statement to be followed suit with a small yet cute smile from Sehun. "I like it."

Jongin shakes his head in disbelief. "And there I thought I'm going to scare you off with my antics."

"Jongin, you almost burnt your eyes from playing with sparklers today. I've seen enough." Then Sehun's previously amused face turns dimmer. "What if I'm the one who's going to scare you off…"

_Oh, if only you know._

He gently presses the tip of Sehun's nose with his index finger. "I’ll be more than honored if you turn out to be even weirder than I am.”

Under the touch of his finger, Sehun’s lips curl up into a small smile again. The smile stays as Sehun wraps his fingers around his wrist, pulling it away from his lips, only to let their hands hover on the air as he keeps holding onto it. Jongin doesn’t question the choice of action; he’s marvelling at every second of it all. He didn’t really expect Sehun to be the one initiating skinship like this, and it feels like a huge miracle to him. The confession really did magic to their relationship.

And it all just had to happen on a crucial day where their fate is to be decided.

Jongin feels all the good feelings seeping out of him in a sudden.

“Jongin? Is something wrong?”

_Everything_ . He shakes his head. _Everything is so wrong._

“Are you tired?”

_Tired of everything, yes._ “Maybe.”

“Weird. Usually you’d still be jumping around at these hours.” Sehun then brings their intertwined hands down, tugging at him so he’d walk along with him. “I know we should’ve eaten something on our way home.”

He lets himself be dragged to Sehun’s bedroom up in the spacious attic, where a twin sized bed is nestled at a corner and a row of drawers occupies the whole wall across it. He’s been here a couple of times to nap and read novels and manhwas with Sehun, listen to some old and new music, or just ponder around the room Sehun grew up in. Tonight, Sehun lends him a shirt and shorts for him to change into; they manage to change their clothes without feeling too awkward. Soon enough, he’s pulled back to downstairs, straight away to the bathroom. Sehun provides him a brand new toothbrush and lets him use his facewash.

This is too domestic, too homey, and too good to be true. This is one of those moments he wishes to have never happened in the first place, because this kind of moment tends to end too quickly, and in a tragic way.

Sehun must’ve noticed that he had detached himself from the present again, for he suddenly feels him nudging his elbow ever so gently against his arm. They’re both in the middle of brushing their teeth, facing the mirror. His gaze shifts to Sehun’s reflection in the mirror, which makes Sehun’s eyes crinkle in amusement. They share muffled laughter with each other.

He doesn’t want this kind of moment to end. Not when he just gained it.

Minutes later, they’re laying side by side on the bed in the room that used to belong to Sehun’s grandparents. Some of the couple’s stuff is still in the room, while almost all of them are in boxes already. Sehun never used the room until tonight; he didn’t like the idea of Jongin sleeping on the floor in his bedroom.

“The view from my window upstairs is better.” Sehun murmurs, seeming absentminded. “I could always see the moon from my bed.”

“But this room has a balcony, though? Well you still need to walk outside to see the moon.”

“Yep.”

“Do you like the moon?”

He finds Sehun tilting his head aside to look at him properly. “Who even likes the moon?”

_Me…?_ “Lots of people do.”

“Then maybe I should too.”

“Why do you always stare at it?”

Sehun’s eyes wander around. “Because it’s pretty.”

Jongin finds some red strings connecting the statement to his own head. _No wonder I kept looking at you_.

“Jongin,” Sehun’s gaze falls onto him once more, “what do you think about life?”

‘ _What do you think about life?_ ’

He feels like he’s paralyzed, and the only thing he can do is stare at Sehun.

“Was that too random? Sorry.” Sehun grins shyly. “Let’s just sleep.”

When he can finally order his limbs to move, he uses his hand to grab a hold of Sehun’s. He slightly smiles when Sehun looks startled by it; Sehun doesn’t let go, though. “What do you think about it?”

Sehun falls into his own silence, seemingly contemplating. Jongin lets him have all the time they have left for today. His eyes wander at the clock on the wall, its size big enough for him to see the time. It’s 9 in the evening. Usually something would happen when it’s nearing 11.

“I used to think it was… empty. My life. I used to feel it was so empty, like I existed here without any reason.”

‘ _It’s exhausting, I think. You keep being pushed into something you never signed up for._ ’

“I didn’t know what I wanted to do in life, and it used to make me feel so anxious. Everyone seems to know what they should do in theirs and I’d feel so lonely for being the only one who couldn’t figure out a thing. Never really had anyone to discuss it with as well.” Sehun lets out a heavy sigh, then glances at him. “And then you came.”

He tries to suppress down all the emotions that are already in his throat and the back of his eyes. “Me?”

Sehun gives him a slight nod before looking up at the ceiling again. “You. You came home from Seoul. I met you. And we became friends. And you dragged me around, and you made me drag you around. And then I thought, whoa, maybe this was why I lived to this day. To be someone’s friend. To spend my time with my friend. Suddenly I didn’t dream of having a fancy purpose in life. Suddenly I just wanted to exist here with my friend, to wake up the next day so I can meet my friend. Meet you.”

‘ _But then again, we’re still here. And lately I’ve started to think there’s a reason why I’m still here. And I thought, maybe I can appreciate being here a little bit._ ’

“Can it be my reason to stay alive?”

‘ _I’ve never felt like I’m alive._ ’

“You know, when we finally became close, I didn’t give much thought about it. But a couple of months back, when I forgot to tell you I was going to the bookstore, I found you there already waiting for me, and I asked you how did you know I’d be there, and you said you had a feeling I would because of the weather and the time. And I thought you were so cool for doing that, and somehow it felt like it was something we’ve done for so many times already. It felt like you’ve always been there in my life, like you’ve always been around, and the times when you weren’t there were the strange ones instead. It felt like I finally belonged in my own life somehow.”

‘ _I never felt like I belonged here. I’ve always wanted to leave… but I don’t know where to and what it was that I should leave._ ’

“I started liking you at that time, I think. I started having this feeling for you since then. What about you? When did you start liking me?” Sehun tilts his head aside again to look at him, only to stay still for a moment, the slight smile on his lips disappearing into thin air. “Jongin?”

He finally realizes what’s happening to himself when his answer comes out in a croak. “Yes?”

“Why are you crying?”

He doesn’t know. He still doesn’t know why he wanted to cry when Sehun had talked about his thoughts on life before. He doesn’t know why he’s crying when Sehun is doing it in this timeline too. Maybe he finally cries because what he just heard was so different from what he had heard back then. And maybe it’s the guilt consuming him. Maybe it’s just him being so overwhelmed with the fact that he had done something good in Sehun’s life in a way. Maybe also because he has a feeling that despite all of this, he’ll still lose Sehun right before his eyes, and he’ll just fall into the dark pit once more, and wake up in a life that’s been reset.

Back then, they were sitting on the back porch of his house, holding hands. This time, they’re holding hands again, laying down on the same bed, facing each other.

Back then, Sehun talked about life with the saddest look on his face. This time, Sehun talked about life with a bittersweet smile on his lips.

How can he not cry at all of that?

“I’m sorry.” he lets out instead. “I’m so sorry.”

“For what? Jongin, you’re scaring me.”

“I should’ve come to you way sooner. I should’ve come to you many years ago. I should’ve come to you at school.” His words are getting jumbled as his tears fall even more. “I’ve wasted so many years not being with you. I should’ve been with you. I’m so sorry.”

‘ _I wish I’ve befriended you since long ago._ ’

“Jongin…”

“You’ve been so alone before, haven’t you? You endured it all by yourself. I’m so sorry. I should’ve been there with you. I should’ve been there.”

‘ _I’m alone. I’m fucking alone. Don’t sugarcoat my misery. I was damned to be alone._ ’

“I’ve wasted so, so many years, not being there with you. I’m so sorry.”

He can’t even think of doing anything as a reaction when he’s pulled straight into Sehun’s embrace, reducing the space between them completely. He’s now sobbing against the fabric of Sehun’s shirt, the sound muffled on Sehun’s chest, while Sehun caresses his back repeatedly while resting his chin on the crown of his head. Sehun’s body is rocking slightly; he’s crying as well.

“It’s alright.” he hears Sehun’s broken whisper. “You’re here now. That’s all that matters. It’s a blessing for me, Jongin. Thank you.”

‘ _And thank you. For taking me home that day. You stayed there with me in that moment. Thank you._ ’

‘ _thank you for everything_ ’

“Thank you for being here with me.”

Jongin wraps an arm around Sehun’s torso to pull him even closer, his hand clutching on the shirt. He has a feeling they’re going to fall asleep in this position and he doesn’t mind at all; he can finally embrace Sehun like this, and it somehow gives him a sense of safety, a sense of control.

It feels as if he can shield Sehun from the hands of time.

  
  
  


They fall asleep like that indeed, and when Jongin opens his eyes, it’s already past midnight.

The clock shows five minutes to midnight. He keeps staring at the clock, blinking his eyes a few times to reassure himself. It’s really almost midnight.

It’s almost October 2nd.

Five minutes more, and they’ll survive this day.

He then checks on Sehun, slowly entangling himself from Sehun’s arms. Sehun’s skin is warm from sleeping, and his breath sounds calm and even. Sehun is breathing. Sehun is alive.

_Is the loop finally broken?_

Jongin leans down and puts a soft yet firm kiss on the apple of Sehun’s right cheek. He then wraps an arm around Sehun’s shoulder and closes his eyes while he lightly rests his forehead on Sehun’s, basking in Sehun’s presence. The breath they exhale collide, and Jongin has never felt so thankful over such a little thing in his life like this.

_Thank you. Thank you for being okay. Thank you for being alive._

He retreats back when Sehun suddenly coughs, waking himself up. “Hey,” he calls softly while caressing the guy’s back, “are you alright?”

Sehun coughs it all out before clearing his throat. “Yeah.”

“Water?”

“Please.”

He ruffles Sehun’s hair gently, making the guy let out a lazy smile in his sleepy state. Maybe he’s not even aware that he’s awake. Jongin makes a trip to the kitchen, not even bothering to turn the lights on because at some point he had memorized every nook and cranny of the area. He had cooked here with Sehun and his grandmother a few times already.

The realization sinks down onto him again, making him stare blankly at the water dispenser. _We broke the loop._

_We’re going to live now._

Cautiously, he brings the cup of water with him, enjoying the faint sound of his own footsteps on the wooden floor. He passes the living room swiftly, only to stop under the frame of the bedroom door when he realizes he has noticed something odd. Slowly, he turns his head around.

There’s Sehun, sitting on the couch in front of the TV. The room is quite dark, he almost couldn’t recognize him if it wasn’t for the moonlight shining through the windows. Sehun is sitting there, looking like a statue, while staring back at him.

“Why are you there?” he asks, genuinely confused. “You almost scared me.”

Sehun doesn’t answer him; instead, he stands up from the couch.

“Sehun?” Jongin calls out, voice small and hesitant.

“Jongin.”

“What is it? Why are you there?”

He watches as Sehun tilts his head slightly to the side. “I’m just… here.” he looks like he’s pondering about what to say, but at the same time also sure of what he will say next. “But it’s also possible that I’m not here.”

Jongin narrows his eyes at the guy. “Are you sleepwalking?” he sighs. “So your grandma was right. You sleepwalk.”

There’s this odd serenity on Sehun’s face, calming but also foreboding. Somehow it tells him that something is waiting to happen - and it’s _not_ something good. His heart starts to hammer against his rib cage when Sehun walks towards him and arrives right around three feet in front of him.

“Jongin,” Sehun speaks again, and the way he calls his name sounds a little bit strange, unlike the usual, “it’s time for you to go back.”

Not knowing how to respond to the random statement, Jongin hands him the cup of water instead. “Go back where?” he murmurs.

Sehun takes the cup from him, a meaningful smile adorning his lips, then puts the cup down on the top of the drawer near them. When they’re facing each other again, Sehun lets out a sigh before he lifts a finger to point upwards. Jongin absentmindedly follows the direction, glancing up at the ceiling, then gets back to Sehun again. What is the guy trying to say?

“To your place.” Sehun then tells him, probably having sensed his total confusion.

“My place?” Jongin glances upwards again for a moment. “Sehun, what are you talking about? Don’t scare me like this.”

As a response, Sehun lets out a stifled laugh. “I knew this would be tricky.” he hears him whisper under his breath. “Jongin, this isn't your place. You don’t belong here. Well, at least the _true_ form of you.”

He can only lean back, his forehead starting to be in pain because of the excessive frowning.

“You really can’t remember?” he doesn’t say anything, and Sehun must be waiting for him to, only to give up after a moment. “So _they_ weren’t exaggerating.”

“ _They_?”

“You really don’t remember who you really are?”

“I _what_?” he shakes his head. “I’m Kim Jongin. How the hell can I forget that?”

Sehun’s lips are then pressed tightly, seemingly thinking about how to explain whatever he wants to tell him. “You’re technically _not_ Kim Jongin. At least not who Kim Jongin is supposed to be.”

“Sehun, you’re being very weird.”

“I’m _not_ Sehun.”

Jongin’s breath almost hitched. “Don’t joke like that.”

“I’m not joking. I’m not Oh Sehun. Well, not the one in this universe.”

“Sehun, are you seriously trying to fuck me up at such ungodly hours-” he pauses abruptly when Sehun suddenly grabs his shoulders, “what the hell?”

Sehun just wordlessly urges him to turn around, making him see the bed across the room. He’s about to snap again when he notices something on the bed - _someone_. There’s someone on the bed.

And it’s someone too familiar.

“ _That is_ Oh Sehun of this universe.”

The person on the bed is really Oh Sehun. The Oh Sehun he knows, the one he fell in love with, the one he had gone through the repeated timelines for. He recognizes the tee, the way Sehun was curled up on the bed when he had left to fetch some water.

His knees turn so weak that he loses his balance. He’s caught immediately by the person behind him; they slowly slump on the floor, his bottom hitting the surface with a soft thud.

“Then who are you?” he finds himself asking. Everything is strange, so scaringly strange, and somehow he hasn’t passed out yet. “Who… who are you?”

“Technically? I’m Oh Sehun.” the voice is painfully familiar and yet unrecognizable. “The one who exists beyond this universe. You can say I’m a soul. Oh Sehun’s soul.”

Sehun’s soul. Right. That sounds totally normal. Sounds like common knowledge. Maybe he’s the most oblivious person in the world for not knowing about this. “I can’t understand anything you’re saying.”

The person behind him hums. “This is hard. Should I make it easier for you?”

“Please do.” He can’t even think anymore.

“Then excuse me.”

A hand covers his eyes, and in a sudden, he feels like getting thrown into a dark, endless pit.

* * *

**Act #7**

‘ _You said you were going to do something about them?_ ’

He was one of the creators of the universes.

Ones who created worlds, who created scenarios in main bullet points and mapped the path of life humans would take along their existence. Ones who fit everything in like pieces of puzzles hooking against one another.

Ones who scripted life.

‘ _You’re not supposed to do that. You know it, right?_ ’

For a being who existed beyond time and space, he was stuck at one point.

‘ _You are not allowed to make drastic changes in life paths._ ’

He was stuck at one human, whose stay on Earth was meant to only last for less than a year. Somehow that human made him question everything he had ever done before, despite the concept of before and after being abstract to them. _Have I always been so cruel?_

‘ _This was why we always reminded you not to be too attached with the humans._ ’

Oh Sehun was barely a year old when he was set to die in a car crash with his entire family.

And somehow, that idea didn’t sit well with him.

‘ _You’ve done this to many other humans. What’s so different with this one?_ ’

He didn’t know. What was so different about it, he didn’t know. All he knew was that he didn’t like the idea. The whole concept. And he thought, he could tweak things a little. Just for the little baby who was fast asleep in his mother’s arm while he and his family were on their way to visit the grandparents.

‘ _26 years. That’s the longest he can live without causing major changes in others’ paths._ ’

  
  
  


He was more than ecstatic at first. He was excited to see how the human would grow and live his life. Would he claim his existence a _miracle_? Would he be a famous person? Would he do good things?

What he witnessed was a dim face and constant sadness.

Oh Sehun grew up without a sense of being alive.

He didn’t expect to see Sehun’s constant tears in the human’s childhood, to see Sehun sit alone at lunch throughout his school years, to see Sehun wake up every morning wondering why he was still alive.

He didn’t expect to see Sehun end his own life.

And he thought, he _knew_ , it was his fault.

It was his fault for forcing something to happen.

‘ _You’re going to put yourself on Earth?_ ’

And one day, in its metaphorical meaning, he decided to at least try to fix his mistake.

  
  
  


‘ _You’re going to live as a human?_ ’

There was Kim Jongin, who was born three months before Sehun, who was set to live his life around Sehun but never cross paths with him. Kim Jongin was set to be born in a loving family, to move to a bigger city once he entered college, to waste the last years of his life suffocated by everything. Kim Jongin was set to be Oh Sehun’s first and only love whom he could only see in their school years.

Kim Jongin and Oh Sehun were two parallel straight lines, stretching out through their own path of lives, with a concluded length of segment that was the constant distance between them. They grew up in the same small town, went to the same school from elementary to high, were in the same class for more than once, but their lives never grazed against each other. Two parallel lines, with perfectly measured distance. Two parallel lines, existing side by side, but their paths never crossed, never made a point of intersection.

However, Kim Jongin was set to die the same day Oh Sehun would take his own life.

That human was the perfect candidate. After all, he didn’t need lots of years; he only wanted to be on Earth just for Sehun.

‘ _Be careful. Don’t lose yourself while being a human. Always remember where you came from._ ’

And so, he started living on Earth as Kim Jongin.

  
  
  


His long harbored fascination with humans led him to enjoy being Kim Jongin a little bit too much.

He loved being Kim Jongin. He loved being with Oh Sehun. He loved experiencing human life first hand instead of observing from afar. He brought changes in Jongin and Sehun’s lives, which was obviously risky, but then who had the right to judge him? _He_ was the creator of their life paths.

He was so deep in it that he forgot, his story with Sehun was supposed to end fast.

It wasn’t a suicide. Instead, Sehun died because of a weak heart.

And the very first thing he did was to go back to the starting point of their story. He did a reset. He flipped to the first page of the book. And from then, he relived their story again.

Even after so many resets, he still couldn’t accept that he had to lose Sehun like that.

After the nth reset, he started to lose grip on the fact that he was _not_ Jongin.

One time, he became Kim Jongin instead. With no memory of being one of the creators. He was just Kim Jongin.

The consequence was, he went back to the original life path of Kim Jongin; one where he never met Oh Sehun.

_Jongin_ lived on a line that never grazed Sehun’s. They lived two separate lives despite always being around each other. It was meant to be like that in the first place anyway. There was no memory, no awareness of him being the one who created the life paths for both Kim Jongin and Oh Sehun.

Ironically, on the last day of Jongin’s existence, as he was seeping out of life, the last thing he thought of was to reset his life to the point where he wanted to change it, regretting he never did so.

_Can someone turn back the time?_

April 1st 2020 was the day Kim Jongin woke up wanting to change his life. To quit the high tension job and do something about his relationship with his lover that was starting to fall apart. And he took himself back to that day. He took himself back to fix his life.

And that was how the two parallel lines started to bend their path, and the concluded segment between them began to decrease.

That was how it worked.

===

“Do you remember now?”

Sehun is now kneeling in front of him on the floor, eyes expectant. Those eyes. He had gazed into them for so many times already. He had found beauty in them since the first time he saw them. And in those eyes, he sees the moments they’ve spent together. As friends, as lovers, as each other’s soulmate. They were beyond those definitions. He had made sure of that.

He remembers.

He remembers everything about them at last. He remembers coming to Sehun the first time with pure curiosity. He remembers the curiosity turning into yearning and adoration throughout the days they spent together. He remembers asking himself since when did he become so attached to the human, how could he even feel so strongly for the human, why did he have to go to such extent just to fix the sadness on the human’s face.

He remembers finally finding that none of those ever mattered, as long as he could see Oh Sehun smile because of him.

He remembers _them_ now.

“Sehun.” he calls as if he’s spelling the name for the first time. “Oh Sehun.”

Sehun nods at him. “Kim Jongin.”

Right. He’s Kim Jongin here. He’s been Kim Jongin for so long.

“Why did you do that?” Sehun gives him a bittersweet smile in the middle of the question. “You completely forgot what you were, and yet you kept resetting your life here. You’ve unknowingly put yourself in a loop that could’ve gone on forever if only you didn’t finally break it this time. Why did you do that?”

“So I broke it? I finally broke the loop?”

“Yes you did. You started it when you wished for the time to turn back so you can get another chance to love and be happy with your life. You did both properly here, and by that, you broke the loop.”

‘ _Can someone turn back the time?_ ’

So that was the key to the loop he was captivated in?

“It wasn’t because you lived through this day?” Jongin glances at the sleeping figure on the bed. “It wasn’t because I prevented your death today?”

To that, Sehun leans back, and silence fills the room once more. It causes dread to spread in him again. “Jongin, between the two of us, you’re the one who could tweak a little with your fate. I don’t have the luxury. I’m still just a human who lives inside time and space.”

“What… what are you saying?”

He watches as Sehun turns his head around to look at the bed. “My time stopped today.”

All the air around them seems to be sucked away, for he can’t hear anything after what Sehun had told him. He can’t even hear his own thoughts. All he can do is just follow the line of Sehun’s sight, stopping on the same point. The Sehun who had fallen asleep next to him is still tucked under the blanket.

“You decided my ending point. I finally reached it. There was nothing you could prevent. It has always been that way, hasn’t it?”

He brings himself to stand up, wobbly legs supporting his weight as he creeps towards his side of the bed earlier, finding the face he had come to be fond of so much looking so peaceful on the pillow. “You’re just sleeping.” he murmurs. “You were exhausted.”

“I’m sleeping indeed. But this time, I’m never waking up again.”

He sits on the edge of the mattress, a hand reaching out to touch Sehun’s cheek. It’s too cold. He puts his index finger under Sehun’s nose. No breath coming out.

So in the end, it has come to this again.

He just lost Sehun again.

“But you’re still here.” He looks up at the other Sehun, who’s now standing under the doorframe. “You’re still here.”

Sehun shakes his head slowly, looking apologetic. “I’m not _him_ .” he nudges his chin towards the bed. “I’m not exactly him. I’m just a projection of him. Who wouldn’t even be here if only _they_ didn’t ask me to talk to you like this.”

“ _They_?”

“Your ‘friends’.”

They must be the one wanting him to come back. To end his overdue trip on Earth. To stop meddling with the things he had arranged himself.

“But… but what about you?”

He still feels like everything is unfinished. Like everything is still not in their right place, even after so many attempts to fix it.

“What about me? What can be done about me anyway? For you, time doesn’t move forward from one point to another, thus everything happens all at once, and you’ll always witness my life unfolding. But for me, time moves and is limited. I started somewhere twenty six years ago, and I’ve finally reached my end. There’s nothing left to do for me.”

At some point, he had forgotten that. Nothing could be done more for Sehun; giving him a bonus of additional twenty five years to live was already enough. Sehun wouldn’t gain anything good from having his life being experimented on over and over again like that.

This all happened because he couldn’t bear seeing his favorite human suffer, only to make the human go through the same pain again and again without realizing it.

“It’s alright. You can let me go now.”

Sehun is now sitting next to him on the bed, gazing on him with so much tenderness. This human was the reason he started to question his own work, the reason he felt so guilty to make someone live in such circumstance that they couldn’t even enjoy being alive. And unexpectedly, this human was the one who made him understand the beauty and melancholy of everything from a new perspective.

“Let Oh Sehun go. Let Kim Jongin go too.”

Kim Jongin. He owes the human whose appearance he’s been wearing for long. He’d like to think that he had brought happiness into Kim Jongin’s life by making him meet Oh Sehun instead of the other way around. Or maybe he had brought happiness to both of them by putting them in each other’s lives. Maybe, even without him being in Jongin’s stead, they would’ve lived their short lives together happily all the same if he had just put them next to each other.

“Can I…” he finally speaks, “can I have one last chance? One last reset.”

“What do you have in mind?”

He looks down over his laps. “I didn’t get to love you properly the last time.”

It was too late when he realized his feelings for Sehun. Before he forgot his true existence, he had lived only as a different being who resided in Kim Jongin’s body. Then when he thought he was the human, he wasted time living the original life path, not meeting Sehun along the way. Then he wasted time even more resetting and fixing something that was never the problem.

He still hasn’t loved Oh Sehun properly.

He still hasn’t made it up to Oh Sehun after making him live through such a miserable life.

“One last reset, okay?” Sehun offers his hand to him. “Then you’ll go back.”

He nods, taking Sehun’s hand. “Then I’ll go back.”

When Sehun gives him a content smile, he tears up instead.

“I’m so sorry.”

“For what?”

“For everything. Everything that ever happened to you.” he looks down again. “All the tears you spent, all the dark days you went through. It was all because of me. I put you in that place. I’m so sorry.”

He can’t remember what he was thinking about when he created Sehun’s life path. Just for the sake of balance and variety, he had put Sehun on the unfortunate side.

“But hey, Jongin, if you didn’t put me in this kind of life, then you wouldn’t have taken pity on me, and we wouldn’t have met.” he looks up to Sehun again when he feels him squeezing his hand softly. “So I think I should be thanking you instead. Thank you for bending the universe just to meet me.”

Right. He had bent the universe just so he could be with Sehun. How crazy was that?

“I guess this is farewell?”

The moonlight shines a little bit too brightly from outside the window.

“Farewell?”

“When you meet me again later, I won’t be aware of all of this.” Sehun chuckles sheepishly. “And by then, I won’t be able to say goodbye to you. So, goodbye, the one who is in Jongin’s body. How do I call you, anyway?”

He’s not to be named. Not a being that requires a name. He’s been addressed by what he does.

“Jongin.” he settles instead. “Kim Jongin.”

Sehun nods amusedly. “Okay, _Jongin_. What a nice move to use my first love’s appearance.”

“I thought it would be easier with it.”

“Thank you. At least my first love ended up being requited. Now, won’t you look at that?” he watches as Sehun’s gaze shifts towards the window behind him. “The moon is so pretty tonight.”

He turns around to see what Sehun was talking about. The moon is pretty, indeed, in its full round glory, shining a little bit brighter than it should be. He had always adored the planetary satellite so much, which was somehow one of the reasons he liked Kim Jongin; the human loved the moon as much as he did.

When he turns back, Sehun is no longer sitting there. The only Sehun in the room is the one under the blanket, body cold and still.

Wordlessly, he lays down on the bed and tucks himself under the blanket as well. He then takes a hold of Sehun’s cold hand, then looks at Sehun’s peaceful face. Looking back at it, he had seen this face cry for so many times, had seen the frowns and the gloomy eyes. He swears to make this face smile only in the next timeline.

With a determined heart, he closes his eyes.

_Wait for me, love._

* * *

**Act #8**

Droopy eyes glance at him from behind the thin framed glasses.

They’re sitting at the tall table right next to the window of the cafe, a few stools apart from each other. Jongin is playing absentmindedly with the straw in his glass, stirring the iced tea. The guy, with a white headphone hanging on his head and a book in his hands on the surface of the table, is glancing at him again.

Jongin gives him a small smile; why does he feel so shy? It’s not a problem, though, for the shy smile earns him a similar one from the guy.

The privilege doesn’t last for long, for the guy turns to his book again right after. Jongin exhales softly, putting his elbow on the table and opens his palm for his chin to rest on. He stares at the skies outside the window and the guy simultaneously. It’s still the middle of Spring, and the weather is very lovely. Such nice weather to meet his love for the first time in.

He didn’t expect the guy to stare openly at him once more, this time with curiosity in his eyes. He thinks, _hopes_ , that the guy would ask him what he thinks he would. But the guy breaks off the stare and gets back to his book again, looking flustered.

Thus, he takes the liberty to ask instead. “Oh Sehun?”

Even by his small voice, Sehun still jerks up startled. He turns towards him once more much to his favor. “Kim Jongin…?”

“Hi there.” he smiles. “I thought you’ve forgotten me until you looked at me again.”

“Yeah, I was… trying to remember because you looked familiar.”

Sehun never forgot him. Kim Jongin was his first love, and the only person he ever fell in love with. The strong attachment he felt with their senior Kim Junmyeon back in school days was built on the way he was used to Junmyeon’s presence, with the idea that Junmyeon was the only person who talked to him in school. With Kim Jongin, though, it was purely his heart being extremely fond of someone he never even talked with.

Sadly, Kim Jongin never got to know that fondness. Kim Jongin couldn’t even barely remember Oh Sehun originally.

And he’s been making sure Sehun will get the same fondness that he deserves.

“Nice to see someone from high school here.”

“... me too.”

Being with Sehun is always about patience and steadiness. He has come to love the pace, the lulling pace that makes him appreciate all the details of Sehun even more. The slight frown on Sehun’s forehead when he thinks of what to say next, the way he occasionally adjusts his glasses, the way he caresses the cover of the book with his thumb repeatedly while they talk. The way Sehun calls his name shyly along the way.

It’s going to be their last six months together, and somehow, Jongin wants to live it as leisurely as possible.

He’s going to love Sehun slowly.

===

“Oh?”

Jongin meets Sehun again at the bookstore.

“Oh, hey.”

Or more like Jongin dashed out of his house and jogged straight to the bookstore because he knew Sehun would be there in this kind of weather and at this kind of hour.

He tries not to laugh at Sehun’s stunned face upon realizing that he had been running here, judging by the way he’s almost breathless. “We meet again.” he still manages to say.

Sehun nods awkwardly. “Are you… alright?”

“Ah, yeah, don’t mind me. Please go on with the reading.”

They stay standing six feet apart from each other while reading their own choice of book; Jongin had randomly picked up a sci-fi novel, not expecting to actually be drawn in the story once he checks the prologue out. He's so immersed in it until he hears Sehun's voice again.

"You'll ruin your eyesight if you keep reading that close." Sehun gives him a lopsided smile while pointing at his own glasses hanging on the collar of his oversized navy blue tee.

Jongin grins sheepishly. "I think I'm taking this book home."

"So you like reading?"

‘ _You like novels, I see._ ’

Jongin smiles at the memory. This time, it’s Sehun who starts the topic. “Yeap. I mostly read manhwa. I’ve started taking interest in reading novels lately, though.”

He hears a soft ‘ _oh_ ’ coming from Sehun who then resumes his reading. Jongin lets silence settle down between them once more; he’s having fun catching Sehun stealing glances at him.

“Do you have some recommendations? I’m thinking of some short ones.”

Everything around him seems to be brighter when Sehun’s eyes light up in determination while he wordlessly asks him to wait. As expected, Sehun goes to the nearest shelf where his favorite book of all time resides. Not even a minute later, Sehun reemerges with a thin book in his hand. Jongin waits patiently until Sehun arrives in front of him again and hands him the book.

It’s the book with an illustration of a train going up to the galaxy on the cover. It’s the book again. Sehun loves this book so much because of one line in it, which gives away the summary of what Sehun feels to be in this world.

‘ _Try to live while being alive._ ’

Sehun, despite him not realizing it himself, had hopes about living. It was just that no one was there to make him see that.

“It’s around forty thousand words. Sounds not too short, but you’ll finish it quickly. The flow just takes you.”

He knows it well. He’s read it at least three times already. “That sounds promising.” Jongin looks up at him. “You seem like you know a lot of books.”

“Well,” Sehun’s eyes wander around, seemingly shy, “I love reading.”

That, he knows very well about too. He knows so well the way Sehun loves to drown himself in someone else’s imagination, someone else’s fabricated universe, because as he once said, ‘ _sometimes someone else’s imagination looks much better than the reality we live in_ ’.

“Do you think we can read together?” he inquires, earning an astounded look on Sehun’s face. “I mean, not reading a book together. We can sit together and read whatever we want to read, and maybe ask each other’s opinions about what we’re reading. How does that sound?”

Sehun is still gazing at him as if he had grown a horn. Jongin counts to five; it usually takes five seconds for Sehun to say something back to him when he’s caught off.

“You really want to do those with me?” Sehun asks instead.

Jongin shrugs. “Why not?”

“Well,” he watches as Sehun drops his gaze, “we’re not even friends.”

‘ _Well, if you want to be my full feature friend…_ ’

There was a time when Sehun forced himself out of his cocoon to reach out to him, to save him from the dark clouds that were hanging above him. This time, he’s going to be the one pulling him out of them. Sehun won’t have to do anything, he’d do everything for him.

“Do you want to be friends with me?” Jongin offers him a small smile. “Like, you know, full feature friends.”

“... full feature friends?”

_That was what you told me before._ “Means we can do anything possible.”

He doesn’t expect the meaningful, almost mischievous smile that suddenly spreads on Sehun’s lips. “Sounds great to me.” the guy nods. “Full feature friends.”

“Full feature friends.”

And the pair of full feature friends start talking about what kind of books they’d read together, where they should hold their reading sessions at. At some point, Sehun tells Jongin he used to read manhwa a lot and almost all of the manhwa books in the bookstore were donated by him; nothing that Jongin doesn’t know of, but he feels like he’s learning about everything about Sehun for the first time. There was a time when Sehun wasn’t even willing to answer him, to stare at him in the eyes. Now Sehun is explaining the manhwa series he used to love so much he even memorized half of the lines from one of the books, eyes occasionally widening and crinkling up along the story telling. Jongin nods, laughs along, stares, mostly stares, because Sehun is so pretty, so radiant despite the gloomy clouds above him in that moment.

It feels like the only thing he had done right in his whole existence is make Sehun laugh.

“What are you going to do tomorrow?” he asks Sehun once they decide they have to part ways for today; Sehun’s grandmother is expecting him to come in soon and Jongin still has to make a stop at the grocery store.

Sehun is lost in thinking for a moment. “Cook at the restaurant? Ring up customers at the store? The usual thing.”

“Nice. Can I come to hang out?”

“... what was that again?”

Jongin bursts out in giggles, feeling silly out of sudden. “I was asking if I can hang out around you tomorrow. While you work. I won’t bother you, don’t worry.”

Again, Sehun is throwing question darts towards him. He has to admit that a stunned Sehun looks very adorable, but he’s also starting to feel bad for keeping on making him flustered like this. “Kim Jongin,” Sehun finally speaks, “you’ve been weird today.”

“Weird?”

“Weird.”

“How so?”

He watches as Sehun blinks to himself, probably to gain composure. “This,” he lifts a hand and gestures at both of them, “this is _not_ what two people who have just met after a long time would do. Especially if they were never close to begin with. We just became friends like an hour ago.”

One thing he loves about Oh Sehun is that the guy can be very vocal once he runs out of patience and chooses to get out of his cocoon. When something just can’t get into his head, when comprehension just won’t come, he decides to express his confusion. And often, the words he says are enough to make someone rethink their choices in life.

Not Kim Jongin, though. He expected Sehun to be like this. To challenge him with his suspiciousness like this.

And he also has to admit that it was quite a painful jab at him when Sehun mentioned how they were never close before. He’s the only one who remembers those six months, repeated for multiple times, giving him the chance to make so many memories with him.

He only results in; “I won’t hurt you.”

The slightly cold look on Sehun’s face seeps away immediately.

“I genuinely want to be your friend. I’m sorry that I’m a little bit weird. I just,” he exhales, “I feel like I have to be your friend.”

‘ _I wouldn’t know. What friends do for each other. I never really had one._ ’

‘ _I wish I’ve befriended you since long ago._ ’

‘ _I wish I wasn’t such a shy ass back then when we were still in high school. I really should’ve befriended you since then._ ’

“I really feel like we should’ve been friends since long ago.”

Sehun is still frowning at him, thick eyebrows almost getting tangled with each other. He’s thankful that at least Sehun isn’t saying anything about rejecting the idea. Again, he reminds himself that he’s going to love Sehun slowly this time.

When Sehun is still lacking words, he decides that it’s his cue to leave. Thus, he gives Sehun a small wave of his hand and a small grin. “See you tomorrow.”

He knows what Sehun must be thinking; he’s stuck at the word ‘friend’. Sehun never had someone he could consider a friend in his life. The guy must be thinking about that word over and over again, trying to make sense out of the fact that someone is trying to befriend him. That his first love himself is trying to befriend him, trying to make up for those years they wasted not being around each other enough.

He just had to stumble on his own shoes, having been walking backwards to wave at Sehun. He balances himself and finds Sehun already reaching out to help him, only to stop when they both look at each other again.

“Sorry.” he smiles sheepishly. “See you tomorrow!”

He finally spins around and makes his way towards the grocery store, his heart skipping so many beats.

===

“Good afternoon, Grandma!”

Sehun’s grandmother pats him on the back affectionately. “You must be Jongin.” she coos. “You’ve grown so much. Your mother talks about you a lot!”

Back then when he first came into the Oh’s restaurant and met the grandparents, he was greeted with a warm welcome like this. His memories with Sehun’s only family on Earth are all beautiful. Maybe Sehun had struggled with the idea of living throughout his life, but at least in his floating state, he had his grandparents as his anchors, giving him a sense of purpose to keep waking up in the morning. And his grandparents also thought the same about him; Sehun was the best gift their son ever gave them.

Sehun needs his grandparents, and his grandparents need him. Jongin now feels glad for making the choice of keeping Sehun alive back then.

“Is Sehun here?”

“Yes, he’s in the kitchen. Are you here to see him?”

Jongin gestures at the stack of books in his hands. “We’re supposed to have a read date today.”

Sehun’s grandmother lights up in giggles. “You young kids are so adorable. Let me get him for you, okay?”

“Wait, no, it’s okay, I’ll wait until he’s finished with his shift.”

“Oh, dear, I’d rather have him skip his shifts than lock himself in the kitchen with those pans. He’s starting to smell like gochujang even after showering.”

Less than a minute later, Sehun shows up from the kitchen doors, an apron still around his torso. Jongin doesn’t miss the tinge of pinkish hues that burst on the pair of pale cheeks upon the sight of him. “I can’t believe you’re really here.” Sehun says in a hushed voice.

“Hello to you too.” Jongin smiles sheepishly.

“I’m _working_.”

“Your Grandma said you can go with me, though?”

Sehun turns around to narrow his eyes at his grandmother who’s now giving them two thumbs up.

“She said you’re starting to smell like gochujang naturally.”

“I’m not!”

He successfully snatches Sehun away from the restaurant and drags him along the neighborhood. Sehun makes a few remarks about the books in Jongin’s hands, laments about how hot today is, chuckles at the way Jongin’s bangs are ruffled by the wind. And Jongin takes all of those small details delightedly, enjoying the way he can actually see the walls around Sehun are tumbling down. His words are still noticeably few, yet they speak so loud for his feelings. Sehun welcomes him wholly.

“ _This_ is where we’re going to hang out at?” Sehun frowns when they arrive in front of his house.

“My mom makes nice iced marmalade.” Jongin tugs at Sehun’s bony elbow. “Come on!”

Of course his mother greets Sehun warmly, making the poor guy blush so hard he mostly looks over the floor. Jongin practically begs his mother to let them go to the backyard and leave them alone - not before he asks her to make them a jar of iced marmalade. He believes she’ll come to them later with at least two bowls of snacks to accompany the drink.

“I can’t believe you brought me to your house.” Sehun sighs heavily.

“You’ve been saying you can’t believe me.”

“You’re just so unbelievable like that.”

Jongin waits until the both of them are settled under the tree in the middle of the backyard, sitting on the cloth covered grass. “The moment you feel uncomfortable, please do tell me.” Jongin speaks rather seriously, making Sehun pay attention to him. “This will be fun, but it’s also totally okay if we don’t do it.”

“No, no, it’s alright. It’s just,” Sehun lets out another sigh, “I’m… I’m a little bit slow when it comes to, you know, this kind of thing. Socializing thing. While you seem like you’re an expert, as if you’ve done this for so many times with other people. Have you?”

“Oh.” Jongin hums, much to himself. He recalls Kim Jongin’s younger days, from ones where he was surrounded by his schoolmates to the ones where he was too focused on working and gaining connections that he couldn’t feel any real social attachment with anyone other than his two friends and his boyfriend. “Honestly? I wasn’t always like this. I wasn’t slow, but I was… I don’t know how to describe it. I always felt like I was just fleeting around everybody else?”

The light of recognition in Sehun’s eyes makes him feel relieved.

“I only have two people I can consider to be my close friends, and they’re going to be married soon.” Jongin smiles at the thoughts of Chanyeol and Baekhyun. He then feels bittersweet at recalling Kyungsoo. “I also only had one lover. We weren’t the best match, but at least we tried. I wasn’t slow, but he was just so fast. Couldn't keep up with his pace.”

It feels a little bit wrong to describe what Kim Jongin had gone through back then, but that was the best summary he could come up with to satisfy Sehun’s curiosity.

“So you went back home because you didn’t feel like you were attached to anyone back there anymore?”

“Actually, no. I left Seoul because I wanted to come home, not the other way around. I left my life there because I felt like I have to live here. Like I should’ve always lived here.”

_I went back home so I could meet you._

“And you found me the right candidate to replace whoever you had back there?”

Jongin leans back, feigning a pained frown while pouting. “I am hurt.”

“But isn’t that the case?”

“Oh Sehun, do you remember what I told you yesterday?”

‘ _I really feel like we should’ve been friends since long ago._ ’

“I do. It still sounds like bullshit.”

_You were the one who told me that first, though._ He wants to retaliate immediately, but he finds the humor in it. “I can see that.”

“I just can’t understand.” Sehun shakes his head. “Why me? I didn’t even expect you to remember me because it’s been like a decade since we last saw each other. I didn’t even think you’ve seen me that much during school. Why me?”

Jongin, upon failing to find the right words to tell the man sitting next to him, just tilts his head while letting a soft smile spread on his lips. A streak of sunlight shines a little too brightly on the crown of Sehun’s head, giving some effect of halo above him. When he sees Sehun struggling with how bright the sunlight is, he reaches out a hand to cover him from it.

_Because you’re the reason for my existence on Earth_.

“I had dreams. Quite strange ones, they were.” he then says, almost hushedly. “And they all seemed to be my past lives. And in all of them, you were there.”

‘ _You know the Oh elders? Who passed away in August? It’s their grandson, Sehun. It was suicide, they said. Coal burning._ ’

‘ _It’s the late Oh elders’ grandson, Sehun._ ’

“In all of them, you were hurting. And because I kept meeting you, I started to think that I was meant to help you.”

‘ _I’m Jongin. Remember?_ ’

‘ _Kim Jongin?_ ’

‘ _Oh Sehun_?’

“But in one of them, you were the one who reached out to me instead.”

‘ _Food is much better eaten with a company._ ’

‘ _Seems like you have a long way to know your friend._ ’

“You, who was supposed to be the one being comforted, ended up comforting me without even making it obvious.”

Sehun’s eyes are stuck on him, unwavering yet vulnerable at the same time.

“So I thought, maybe the dreams were the universe’s way to let me know I should be with you.” Jongin then lifts his both hands up in the air. “That’s all. I really can’t explain it any better. It’s weird. I’m weird, I know.”

His mother comes in the right timing, serving them a tall jar of dark orange iced marmalade and two bowls of chocolate chip cookies. She doesn’t miss the chance to ruffle Jongin’s hair and pat Sehun on the shoulder. Sehun thanks her softly with a deep bow which makes her giggle in amusement.

Once she’s gone, Jongin decides to wait for Sehun to say anything about his statement earlier. He watches as Sehun pours himself a glass of the iced marmalade and drinks it up, quietly muttering under his breath about how hot the afternoon is. Jongin waits and waits patiently, grabbing some cookies for himself. His eyes occasionally glance at Sehun.

“So, did you finish the book I gave you yesterday?”

And that was more than an answer for him.

Not even bothering to hide his relieved smile, Jongin immediately grabs the book Sehun was talking about. “You’re really evil. You didn’t tell me it was going to be so sad!”

And so, they spend the rest of the afternoon talking about books and stories in general. Be it purely described with words or illustrated with drawings, they both love fictional stories, and it has never been easier for them to click with someone else like this.

Some things, some souls, could’ve had such exploding chemistry between them if only they were given the chance to stumble upon each other. Kim Jongin and Oh Sehun might have not been set to meet this way, but together, they make the best pair. And that’s what Jongin takes comfort in. His decision to meddle with Sehun’s life in the first place was worth all of this. He had blessed both Kim Jongin and Oh Sehun with their presence in each other’s life.

Some things, some souls, were bound to be together.

  
  
  


“Did you love it? Your work.”

“I did. The part where I get to create music with my mates. I just wasn’t fond of the part where the environment I worked in was filled with a lot of things _other_ than creating music. Sucking up to people, issues with royalties and making something for the sake of the trend.”

“Sounds like it sucks big time.”

Jongin breaks into a loud titter. “Damn it does.”

They’re walking down the quite steep road towards their neighborhood, each of them holding a cup of red bean shaved ice; Jongin gulps too much of the ice and winces in utter pain when he feels his brain freezing. It turns out to be a source of entertainment for Sehun who immediately cackles at him.

Yesterday, Sehun was sitting with him under the tree of the backyard of his house, doubtful of him. Today, Sehun is walking next to him around the neighborhood, asking him about some things in his life.

“I’ve been wondering. How did you become so good at cooking? Having a restaurant owner as your grandma can’t be the sole answer.”

“Well, basically, I’m not even that fond of cooking. But I saw the process everyday and I came to learn about it, and somehow I found cooking to be calming. Like a good distraction.”

They walk and walk until they arrive at the top of a stair road, the cups finally empty. Jongin takes the liberty to throw them into the nearest bin and Sehun wordlessly drags him to sit on the top of the stairs. The sun is slowly setting, giving everything around them a tinge of orange and lilac blended so perfectly. The lighting does magic on Sehun’s face; his pale skin is like the perfect canvas that could make every color painted on it even more beautiful. He remembers when the colors of their skin would blend together as their limbs were tangled with each other.

“I’m starting to think that not getting out of this town isn’t much of a bad thing after all.”

“Who even told you it’s a bad thing?”

Sehun shrugs, eyes wandering over the evening sky. “I did.”

Jongin nudges his elbow against Sehun’s arm gently. “It’s not.” he follows the line of Sehun’s sight. “What could be so bad about this town when you get to see that sky everyday?”

“I don’t look up at the skies often.” Sehun’s voice is almost lost in the breeze that suddenly hits them. “I think I’ve been missing a lot.”

He can’t help but turn aside to look at Sehun who’s still caught up in his own reverie. In the moment, there's a warm, fuzzy feeling, spreading all over his system. He tilts his head to get a better look on Sehun’s face, basking in every detail highlighted under the sunset. This is the human he had bent the universe for, and he regrets nothing, for this human is worth everything.

“Thank you,” Sehun suddenly whispers, “for making me see the sky.”

_Thank you_ , he’d like to say, _for finally seeing the sky_. “Well, if only you weren’t so busy with the books…” he said instead.

Sehun welcomes the remark with a shy laugh. “My fault, my fault.”

“Or if you weren’t so busy with the pans,”

“Yes, keep roasting me.”

They greet the night sky together, watching as the moon appears and stars around it start to twinkle. He smiles at the sight of the planetary satellite shining down on them. _Hello_.

_Hi, Jongin, you seem excited_.

He chuckles at the comment.

“What’s so funny?” Sehun asks him with wondering eyes.

_Have a good time with your beloved, Jongin._

He would’ve told Sehun that the moon is teasing him, but of course Sehun wouldn’t believe him.

Jongin ends up walking Sehun home, both taking their sweet time on their way. They spot a stray cat in front of Sehun’s gate once they arrive, and they just go on autopilot to pet the cat. It seems like one of Sehun’s grandparents has fed it, for the cat is looking content with remnants of food resting next to it.

He thanks the cat from the bottom of his heart, because it allows him to stay even longer next to Sehun.

“What are you going to do tomorrow?” Sehun asks him when he calls it a night.

Taken aback by the unexpected question, Jongin blinks at him repeatedly before answering. “I don’t know yet.”

“I’ll be at the convenience store tomorrow.” Sehun’s lips are pressed into a thin line for a moment. “If you want to hang around…”

“Or maybe I can help around as well?”

“Sounds even better.”

“I’ll be there tomorrow.”

“Great.”

They then both snort at how awkward their conversation was.

“See you tomorrow, Sehun.”

“See you tomorrow.”

He knows this conversation is the start of a lot of good things, thus Jongin enjoys the moment of having a shyly smiling Sehun in front of him. From this point, they’ll go even further together, and while Jongin knows he’s going on a rather slow pace with everything, he also can’t wait to see everything unfold. He can’t wait to spend more of his days with Sehun.

For now, he only waves his hand again at his beloved.

===

Jongin lives as if he’s experiencing everything with Sehun for the first time.

The next of their days are spent with books and cold drinks as Summer approaches ever so aggressively. Their relationship is built on exchanging thoughts about stories and random anecdotes about their past, treating each other ice cream, Jongin bothering Sehun while he’s at work, Sehun actually making Jongin do his job, and the slow walk home under the ever so nosy moon. Things start to fall in line, and Jongin lets everything happen so naturally. As if he has never heard of the secrets of the universe, the endless possibilities it holds, and another lifetimes. As if he’s just a human obliviously living one shot life.

However, something from the previous timeline visits him eventually.

“Which one do you like to see better? The flowers bloom or the leaves fall?”

Back then, Sehun had asked that out of the blue, obviously to distract him from the heavy conversation they had regarding his health. It was Autumn, the leaves were falling, and both of them weren’t in the brightest state. Back then, Sehun had looked up at the tree to watch the leaves floating down to the ground, looking solemn and uncertain, and he could only stare at Sehun, not knowing how to comfort him when he wasn’t at peace himself.

This time, they’re watching the cherry blossom tree in its full bloom, the breeze urging the delicate petals to float around, and he’s laughing his ass off as Sehun tries to catch them in his hands. And he’s reminded of his promise back then; if they survived the timeline, if they both got past October 1st, he’d take Sehun to witness the cherry blossom trees blooming.

He has kept his promise.

And this time, he has the exact answer. “The flowers bloom.”

“Right?” Sehun lets the petals in his hands fall onto the ground. “So pretty. I love it better too.”

Jongin is too distracted with staring at Sehun’s faintly flushed face to comprehend it fully; he agrees nonetheless.

Like that, Spring leaves them with a warm farewell, letting Summer take its place to brighten everything up even more. Jongin and Sehun become more addicted to anything cold that could soothe their dry throats. More iced marmalade, more red bean shaved ice. When the weather is too hot for reading, they decide to just sit in the shade under the tree at Jongin’s backyard and talk about anything and everything. Sehun can be very talkative once he’s coaxed out of his space, and Jongin loves to hear his thoughts all the time.

On a faithful day of change, Sehun brings a stack of old manhwa books for them. Jongin’s eyes light up at the sight of his favorite series which he had told Sehun about before. They swiftly goes back into professional readers mode, making comments about everything in the books.

Then the sun does its magic to him, lulling him to the state of sleepiness, and in the haze, he just lets his head gently fall on Sehun’s shoulder.

“What are you doing.” he can feel Sehun tensing up.

“Sleepy.” he murmurs. “Am I making you uncomfortable?”

“Yep.”

“Do you want me to move away?”

“No.”

He can’t even prevent himself from smirking. “Why?”

“You’re warm.”

“It’s hellish hot right now.”

“Just,” Sehun grumbles, “stay like this.”

“Okay.”

He recalls all of those moments from the previous timelines where they had sat side by side like this. There was that moment when they sat on the porch, knees drawn close to their chests, hands holding each other while they whispered words straight out of the bottom of their hearts. There was one when they sat on the pavement and stared up at the night sky after playing with sparklers. There was one when they sat on the stairs in front of Sehun’s house, sharing awkward yet fond gestures with each other.

This time, he’s resting his head on Sehun’s shoulder, and he finds that this was meant to be his place. Right next to Sehun. Being by Sehun’s side seems so right, like it was all set since the beginning.

“Are you sleeping?”

He snuggles even closer to Sehun’s neck. “I guess.”

“Silly.”

If there’s something from his times with Sehun that could be his favorite, sitting next to Sehun should be it.

  
  
  


Skinship turns out to be addictive.

It just feels so natural to gently grab Sehun by his arm as a greeting, to brush their shoulders together as they walk, to ruffle each other’s hair when they say something silly to the other. Jongin doesn’t put much thought into it, only paying attention at the way Sehun accepts his gestures. Sehun doesn’t reply to the gestures much but he hasn’t shown any sign of discomfort as well. He’s perfectly fine with it. After all, Sehun takes time in opening himself up layer by layer.

One day, he hears Sehun’s comment about his tendency to just touch and feel. “You’re just like him.”

They’re currently squatting down on the pavement, watching the regular stray cat in front of Sehun’s house devour its meal at a moderate pace. At some point he had scooted closer to Sehun and leaned his head on Sehun’s shoulder again; it’s not his fault that Sehun has such broad shoulders. “Like him?” Jongin gestures at the cat.

“Yep.”

“Elaborate.”

“Warm and clingy.”

He bursts out laughing, their bodies rocking along the rhythm. “I can see it.” he manages to say once the exhilaration subsides. “Would you feed me too?”

“Dude, you’ve been frequenting the restaurant. I always feed you.”

“Then,” Jongin’s voice falters, tuning down into a hushed one, “would you like me too?”

Back then, he had confessed under the moonlight. Now the sun can be the witness as well.

Sehun’s shoulder tenses up against his cheek. He waits patiently until Sehun replies to him. “The way I like the cat?”

“Am I lucky enough for that?”

He didn’t expect to hear Sehun’s warm chuckle.

“I like you even more.”

The answer makes him detach himself from Sehun to take a proper look at him. Sehun, in return, glances at him for a moment before casting his eyes on the stray cat once more. Jongin doesn’t miss the way the corners of Sehun’s lips curl up shyly.

“Were you joking? Please tell me you weren’t.”

Sehun snorts, shaking his head. “I wasn’t.”

Of course he knows it was bound to be. He just can’t help but feeling like he’s experiencing everything for the first time all over again. Maybe being loved by Sehun is the biggest achievement he had ever gotten while existing on Earth.

“Thank you.” he whispers. “For liking me back.”

Sehun blinks at him, eyelashes fluttering in wonder before he results in another bright smile. “That was supposed to be my line.”

The stray cat comes up to him and boops its nose against his knuckles. “Did you hear that, dude?” Jongin proceeds to caress the cat’s head lovingly. “Sehun likes me!”

Sehun laughs so cheerfully that his grandmother takes a peek on them from behind the front door.

===

Soon enough, his days start to look like they’re snippets of a romance movie.

There’s a scene where they sit on the top of the stairs in front of Sehun’s front door, chatting about the most random topics under the moon’s eyes. Jongin rests his head on Sehun’s shoulder again, and this time, Sehun rests his head on top of his. Thin fingers sneak around his own so they can intertwine, and in that moment, Jongin can actually feel all of the emotions Sehun is trying to reciprocate. Being loved back is always a blessing.

There’s also a scene where they lay down on the wooden floor of Sehun’s house, both of their legs hanging up on the couch. They get drowsy because of the Summer heat and end up napping like that. Half an hour later, Jongin wakes up to Sehun still sleeping while being snuggled up against his arm. He lets him be for another thirty minutes, ignoring the way their skins are heated up by the contact and the weather. Having Sehun next to him is so wonderful like that.

Then there’s the scene where they’re sitting side by side again, this time in front of the TV in Jongin’s living room, knees drawn against their chests, shoulders flush against each other. Jongin’s mother is hanging out with the neighborhood mothers while his father is out for work. When the plot of the old movie doesn’t appeal to him anymore, he decides to stare at Sehun’s face from the side instead. Eventually he finds it not enough to just stare, and he leans in to land a soft kiss on Sehun’s cheek. It makes Sehun tear his gaze away from the screen to look at him with wide eyes. Soon enough, the baffled expression turns gentle, and a smile blooms on Sehun’s lips; it’s the smile that makes him regret not seeing it since many years ago.

But just like how romance movies always have a sad tinge on them, their angst part comes ever so subtly, so naturally.

August 13th greets him solemnly. Everything plays out the way they did in the previous timelines; blue skies, green hills, people in black, Sehun standing right in front of the place where his grandparents now rest forever. This time Jongin stands with him again.

This time, Sehun cries.

His shoulders rock along his sobs as he watches them shove the soil back into the holes. He eventually turns to him to hide his face, and Jongin gathers him completely in his arms, letting the forehead rest against his collarbone. He pats Sehun’s back repeatedly while he tries to fight away his own tears.

Around them are his parents. He notices his father helping him pat Sehun’s back while his mother cries along. At some point they’ve claimed Sehun to be their second son, and this time they really show that they mean it. Jongin believes Sehun knows that he has them.

“I’ll be with him for the rest of the day.” he informs his parents once the funeral is finished.

His mother nods at him. “Take care of him, okay?”

He sends his parents away and goes to find Sehun sitting on the grass. As usual, he takes his rightful place next to Sehun, swiftly draping an arm around his shoulder to pull him close. They stay like that for a long while, just staring up at the skies. It has become a tradition somehow.

He stays with Sehun for the whole day, doing anything he could for the mourner. He prepares food and helps Sehun eat, then encourages him to take a bath to freshen his head up. Sehun listens to him so well.

At night, they settle on Sehun’s twin sized bed that obviously can’t properly fit their limbs in. Cramped together, shoulders flush against each other, Sehun tells Jongin stories from his childhood. Some make them laugh out loud, some make Jongin cradle Sehun’s head close to him. Sehun grew up feeling blue most of the time, but he surely had lots of sweet moments with his grandparents who had doted on him so much.

“You know you’re not alone, right?” Jongin whispers, somewhere along midnight, when their eyelids are already heavy and their hearts are already spent.

Sehun nods slowly.

“I’m here. I’ll always be here. You don’t have to worry.”

“I know.” Sehun croaks out. “I know I have you.”

Jongin gathers Sehun even closer to him. “You have me.” he kisses the crown of Sehun’s head. “You’ll always have me.”

_I’ll always be there for you._

_When you breathe, when you close your eyes, I’ll always be there for you._

===

The dark clouds above Sehun’s head don’t disperse immediately overnight, and Jongin lets the guy take his time to go at his own pace.

But he does help Sehun distract himself from dwelling with his own thoughts too deep. He pulls out a stack of the polaroids they had taken the week before and drags Sehun to the fridge to stick them on its doors with magnetic pins. They don’t make the prettiest pattern with the pics, but the fridge door is now crowded enough, and Sehun could laugh whenever he opens it because the first thing he’d see is Jongin wincing at the flash of the camera.

A few hours after lunch, he makes both of them iced marmalade, and they decide to enjoy the rest of the afternoon on the porch while they sit on the pair of rocking chairs that used to belong to Sehun’s grandparents. Autumn is coming around, but at least the sunlight still has a vibrant yellow tinge on it, and Jongin thinks the light suits Sehun’s face very well.

“We’re like Grandma and Grandpa.” Sehun finds himself smiling. “Sitting like this every Sunday at noon.”

Jongin recalls the times he would silently stare at their backs through the glass doors of the living room and wonder what the pair of elders were thinking about while they stare up at the sky and at each other simultaneously.

“We can do that. When we are that old.” Jongin humors the art of being hopeful.

“Do you think we can grow old together?”

When he turns at Sehun, the droopy eyes are casted on him, dim and yet expectant. He doesn’t have the heart to speak of the truth. “Do you want to grow old with me?”

It was a foolish sentence, a reckless imagination. He knows he doesn’t have the right to keep Sehun’s hopes so high like this, but he wants to melt the frozen gloominess on Sehun’s face.

And it works. Sehun gives him a small, shy smile as he nods.

At night, they go through boxes of Sehun’s late grandfather’s vinyl records collection. Sehun picks up one with the prettiest cover on it and puts it on. Hugging the package, Sehun sits next to Jongin and rests his head on Jongin’s shoulder. They stay wordless to let the music fill the room, but when it dies out, Sehun’s question comes unexpectedly.

“Would you ever leave me?”

Jongin glances down at him. “Where did that come from?”

He feels Sehun shrugging slightly. “I just keep feeling that one day you’d leave me as sudden as when you came into my life.”

The music starts again. Jongin finds Sehun’s hand and intertwines them gently. “I’ve told you.” he says hushedly. “I will always be here for you. For the rest of your life.”

There are forty nine days left for the rest of Sehun’s life.

“Alright.” he hears Sehun’s murmur, making him press a kiss on the crown of the guy’s head.

The music flows as their thoughts float along with it, doing nothing but exist in the exact moment. Jongin wishes he could literally stop the time and just stretch this moment out for the both of them, so he could keep Sehun right by his side longer, keeping the human safe with him. But there are things that even beings like him are limited with. Even for beings like him, the ability to do anything one desires to is an unaffordable luxury.

“I wish you had come around sooner.”

Sehun’s small whisper cancels out other noises around them.

“Maybe if you were here sooner, I would’ve really lived my life back then.”

‘ _I’ve never felt like I’m alive._ ’

‘ _It was always monotonous for me. I never felt like I have a purpose in this world. I always asked myself, what am I doing here?_ ’

‘ _Thank you, Jongin. For coming into my life._ ’

“I’m sorry.”

He finds himself saying those vain words again.

Sehun detaches himself from his side and looks up at him, eyes wondrous. “For what?”

_For putting you in the state of constant pain you never deserved._ “For taking so long to come to you.”

When Sehun welcomes his apology with a warm smile, something breaks in his chest. He finds himself leaning in to rest his forehead against Sehun’s, the sound of their breaths colliding. The music is long gone by now.

“It’s okay.” Sehun whispers, gently rubbing his forehead against his own.

“You’re here now. That’s more than enough.”

===

Jongin loves Sehun like they have all the time in the world on their palms.

Despite knowing very well that this is the last time he’d ever get to be with Sehun again, despite knowing too well that there are only roughly a month left for them, Jongin lets everything unfold as naturally as they could be, just like what he had planned to do. He doesn’t make a specific list of the things they should do to use the rest of their time well. Instead, he just enjoys every day he wakes up, knowing there would be Sehun in it. Rather than seeing Sehun in fancy places, he meets Sehun in the restaurant, in the convenience store, at the morning market, in front of his house, even under the lamppost on the road down the neighborhood. Rather than taking Sehun on a journey, he takes him to his backyard to sip adlai tea and nap under the tree. Rather than giving Sehun gifts, he gives Sehun help around the house, cleaning up while jamming to old records, cooking to Sehun’s easy yet detailed instructions.

Sometimes, if not often, Jongin stays for the night, and they slip under the blanket and fall asleep in each other’s arms. On some of those nights, Jongin would stay up and watch Sehun wander in his dreamland, eyes closed in peace. Each time, he would inwardly apologize at the human for robbing him of so many peaceful nights like this.

As a creator of the universe, he always looked at everything as one big picture, always maintained balance, not realizing that for the sake of the said balance, some humans never got the chance to cherish life.

Realization after realization, one thought to another, seconds pass by as Autumn holds them by the hands and guides them forward. Just like that, chilly days are spent by snuggling on Sehun’s couch under thick blanket, toes grazing against each other, and talking about buying the bookstore they frequent once the elder owner passses away.

One chillier night, Sehun discovered an old bed post lamp from the storage room; it’s the rotating type, with small holes scattered around the surface, one he had used throughout his childhood. Jongin watches in fascination as white dots circle around them as if they’re spinning among the stars in space. Next to him on the bed, Sehun is enjoying looking at him instead. The latter doesn’t say anything when their gazes meet. He takes it as the clue for him to speak.

“I love you.” he says, ever so delicately.

The sight of Sehun’s face lighting up despite the dim lighting in the room is too beautiful for him to look away from.

“I love you too.”

Then he wonders why Sehun’s eyes aren’t up there with the stars, because they’re just as sparkly.

Slowly, he leans in to reduce the space between them, and much to his favor, Sehun meets him in the middle, lips greeting each other with a gentle and warm press. He reaches up a hand to cup the side of Sehun’s face to keep him in place. In this timeline, they’ve shared small pecks on the lips, but this kind of passionate kiss is their first, and yet somehow they just mold into each other perfectly.

When Sehun falls back onto the mattress, it feels like another part of space has begun to expand. The bare skin of their chests touch for the very first time, eliciting a gasp from the slightly shuddering Sehun, and he captures Sehun’s lips in a kiss once more to ease him to the growing heat between them.

When Sehun sighs into his mouth due to the warmth of his palm on his hip, it feels like he has breathed life into the space, propelling matters outward, creating galaxies. Sehun clings onto him like he’s his lifeline, like they’ll both disappear if they ever let go of each other. Jongin relishes the way Sehun’s skin pinks under his touch.

When Sehun lets out a small cry as he gets deep into him, he sees trillions of stars in front of his eyes, glowing clouds of dense cosmic dust surrounding them. Sehun wraps him with his warmth, hot breaths puffing against the column of his neck where Sehun buries his face on. He dares to take a look at Sehun’s face amidst the heat, to see the pair of sparkly eyes slightly brimming with tears. He dares to steal a peck on Sehun’s forehead and asks him if he’s alright, if it’s okay to go on. He dares to smile upon Sehun’s shy nod.

When Sehun comes along with him, it feels like he has successfully spilled the secrets of the universe for every being in the galaxy to see.

  
  
  


By now, Jongin finds himself loving Sehun more than he loves the moon.

It’s hours after their intimate activity that Jongin wakes up groggily only to find the space next to the bed empty. For a moment he forgot that they’re currently in the bedroom that originally belonged to the deceased Oh elders. Thinking that Sehun must be out to get some water, Jongin decides to fall onto the pillow again when he notices a silhouette of the man he was looking for outside at the balcony.

Thus he joins him, only putting a trouser along the way. Sehun gasps quietly when he wraps an arm around his waist, his hand sneaking under the pajama shirt to feel the skin of the abdomen. “Thought you left me.” he murmurs.

“Jongin, it’s my house.”

“Well, what if you left me and went to my house to sleep there instead?”

He smiles triumphantly when Sehun chuckles. “Sometimes I really can’t imagine what’s in your mind.”

“Don’t worry.” he rests his chin on Sehun’s shoulder. “You’re always in it.”

For the next moment, there’s only the night breeze and the sound of Sehun’s steady breathing. Jongin presses his lips on Sehun’s shoulder and hums to some random tune.

“You seem so happy.” he hears Sehun’s comment.

_Happy._ Jongin likes the idea. He looks up at the inky black sky where stars are scattered around the majestic moon. “Yeah.” he mumbles. “Finally I found someone prettier than that moon.”

Right after that, he turns to look at Sehun. _You._

Sehun seems to be holding back an amused smile. “Who told you that?”

He feigns a confused look on his face, as if Sehun had asked something so obvious. “The _moon_ told me. The moon itself!”

Then he feels Sehun cupping the side of his face. “The moon doesn’t talk, you silly.”

_Oh, darling, my love, you have no idea._ “It does.” he says in a half whisper. “You can hear it when you’re happy.”

Happy.

Is Oh Sehun finally happy?

After all the moments they shared, is Sehun finally happy enough to leave this world knowing he had lived it well?

Is Sehun finally happy enough to know that he deserves it?

“Can you hear it now?” he asks, gaze shifting towards the moon again. The planetary satellite is marveling at the both of them. _Such a beautiful pair, you two!_

From his peripheral vision, he sees Sehun nodding.

Oh Sehun is finally happy.

“I love you so much.” he finds himself whispering into Sehun’s ear.

It makes Sehun turn to look at him once more, eyes as sparkly as ever. Slowly, Sehun leans in and presses their lips together in a gentle kiss.

And when Sehun pulls away, he hears the words once more, and somehow, it feels entirely brand new to him.

“I love you so much too.”

===

It’s October 1st again, for the last time.

“What do you think about life?”

The 49th day memorial was held just like before, except that this time, Jongin’s entire family was there, complete from his father to his niece and nephew. It was so apparent that Sehun appreciated their presence so much, because this time Sehun told them anecdotes about his grandparents during lunch, with his mother giving input from her own experience with the late elders. The kids loved Sehun so much to the point that they cried when they had to go back home. Jongin, of course, stayed back with Sehun, and Sehun, of course, suggested that they hang out somewhere else for the rest of the day. Once again, they took a stroll around the neighborhood, buying snacks and sparklers, goofing around at the riverside.

It’s when they’re finally seated on the pavement and looking up at the night sky that Sehun asks the question from that particular timeline.

‘ _What do you think about life?_ ’

Back then, Jongin had avoided answering. None of them was in the right state to have that conversation.

This time, Jongin takes the pleasure to give a piece of his mind.

“I think life is one piece of puzzle in a bunch.” he smiles to himself. “Our lives are like a bunch of puzzles that, when they’re put together, create one big picture of the universe.”

“Interesting. Go on.”

“Like, everything that happens in our lives is the cause and effect of other things. From the day you were born, you caused some events to happen to people around you and get affected by things people around you did. Often we don’t realize how we play part in each other’s lives.” Jongin gestures at the both of them. “Let’s say, if I hadn’t come back to Seoul a few months ago, you wouldn’t be sitting here with me.”

“And I wouldn’t have been happy like this.”

The statement only makes Jongin pull Sehun close to land a kiss on his forehead. “What I’m trying to say is that, in life, we always think that everything happens because of something. What we often fail to see is that most things in life happen to cause something as well.”

“If only we know what would those things cause, we could’ve prevented them from happening.”

‘ _If only we knew that crash would happen, we could’ve cancelled the trip._ ’ was what Sehun told him once when they had a talk about his late family.

“It doesn’t really work that way.” Jongin caresses Sehun’s back. “You know, our lives are shaped in such a way to fit one another. Our lives are shaped by the events in it. Things were that way so they could be this way today.”

_Which is why I can’t give you more years here._

He finds Sehun nodding slowly. “I can see it.” the guy smiles at him softly. “And I think I’m quite satisfied with my life now.”

“Oh, are you?”

“Yup. I guess I was never stuck in life. I guess I just didn’t know that I was waiting for something. For someone. For you. And Jongin, you’re worth the long wait.”

Jongin tries to shake off the burning feeling on his eyes. “You’re really going to make me cry.”

“Do it. You look cute when you cry.”

“Evil.” he pouts, gently pinching the bridge of Sehun’s nose. “Can’t believe I got myself an evil boyfriend.”

Of course Sehun blushes at the title. “Unsatisfied?”

“Wrong. You’re beyond expectation.”

It makes Sehun burst into giggling fits. “Gosh.” he shakes his head. “Well, you’re beyond expectation too. In fact, I still think you’re not real.”

“Correct, human, I am a ghost.”

He lets out a soft ‘ow’ when Sehun pinches him on the arm.

“I’ll forever be thankful that you came into my life.” Sehun then continues. “If you never did…”

“If I never did?”

Sehun shrugs. “If you never came back here, I wouldn’t have met you, and I wouldn’t have been living properly. My life would’ve been so dull.”

‘ _You know the Oh elders? Who passed away in August? It’s their grandson, Sehun. It was suicide, they said. Coal burning._ ’

Jongin knows - remembers, very _well_ , what happened when he wasn’t present in Sehun’s life.

‘ _I’m happy that I gained one friend in life_ ’

“Sehun,” he calls almost inaudibly, “are you happy now?”

Sehun blinks back at him, his head seemingly processing the question. Happiness is such an abstract concept that humans tend to see as an exact subject. But he still wants to know. He still wants to hear if his existence on Earth has brought something good for his beloved.

And when Sehun gives him a gentle and warm smile, he finds the answer.

“I am, Jongin. I’m happy now.”

And that’s all that matters.

  
  
  


It happens so swiftly.

One moment, they’re fast asleep on the bed. Next, he’s woken up by Sehun’s movement while getting up from the bed. “I’m getting some water.” Sehun informs him with his hoarse sleepy voice upon feeling him grabbing him by the hem of his tee.

_No, you’re not_. Jongin nods solemnly and lets him go. When Sehun disappears behind the door, he gets off the bed as well and follows suit.

And then, just like that, Sehun falls down onto the wooden floor with a soft thud.

Jongin rushes to Sehun’s side, cradling his head on his lap. Sehun’s struggling doesn’t last for more than ten seconds, but Jongin’s tears keep flowing even after Sehun is still and cold in his arms.

“I’ll find you again.” he promises to the cold air around them. “I’ll meet you again, Oh Sehun.”

Even for beings like him, grief is unavoidable.

“I swear to you, we’ll meet again. No matter how.”

Maybe somehow, someway, he can bend the universe once more for his beloved. And by then, Sehun doesn’t have to bear the consequences of his act.

“Wait for me.”

He’ll find a way.

Because Kim Jongin and Oh Sehun were always bound to meet.

* * *

**Closing Act**

“- so I think we’re going to spend at least a week there. I’m so excited!”

“Dear, you’ve been to Tokyo so many times already.”

“I just love the city so much, Mom. Oh, wait, I should start preparing lunch now. I have an appointment at two today.”

“Wait, isn’t today your off day?”

“It is, but I can’t let this patient wait. She needs all the help she can get. Her bad thoughts have been getting severe lately. I’m afraid I’ll be too late if I wait.”

“You’re such an angel. Okay then, let’s talk again later, dear.”

“Please, _please_ tell Dad to stop sending me pictures of Vivi and Monsieur. My phone’s memory is going to explode because of dog pictures. Send them to Serin instead? And oh, tell grandma and granddad I said hi!”

“Will do, dear. Oh wait, wait, where’s my other son?”

Sehun lets out the deepest frown he can muster up at the screen of his phone filled with his mother’s expectant face. “I’m the only son in the family!”

His mother laughs cheerily at him. “You’re so adorable. But where is he?”

Just when he’s about to answer, the sound of footsteps thundering on the wooden floor of the apartment greet him. Soon enough someone engulfs him in a backhug, almost toppling both of them on the coffee table. “Jongin is here!”

“Jongin, sweetie, you look handsome as usual.”

“Mom.” Sehun narrows his eyes. “You’re hurting me in the feelings.”

“The dinner with mom and dad has been rescheduled to tonight!” Jongin chirps, arms still around Sehun; Sehun tightens the hold. “Jungah and Jaehee are also coming as full teams. It’s going to be crowded.”

“Please send all of them our regards.”

“Absolutely!”

When the call is over, Sehun stands up from the carpet to check the rice, only to be pulled back onto the couch by Jongin. “Where are you going.” he can actually _hear_ Jongin’s pout.

“Preparing lunch? It’s your turn to chop the onion today.”

“Oh man,” Jongin wraps his arms around him once more, immediately snuggling into the column of his neck, “prepare me some tissues and sad music.”

Sehun giggles, adoration filling his chest as he tightens their hold on each other. “I’ll record it and send the videos to Chanyeol.”

“Don’t you dare.”

“Didn’t you say you liked me because I was daring?”

“Well, yeah, I mean, you look so sexy while being daring, but no, please, Chanyeol’s going to post the video up on Instagram.”

“More fame for you, babe.”

It’s been more than two years since they got married, but somehow they just can’t erase the habit of cuddling on the couch. The habit gets worse when they’re supposed to do something important. Somehow they prefer to just snuggle up and bask in each other’s warmth.

Sometimes, in this kind of moment, Sehun wonders what he did in his past life that he’s so blessed in this one. Getting to help people through his profession as a psychiatrist, having a doting family, being married to his highschool sweetheart whom he had known for his entire life. He’d always wonder if he even deserves the blessings in his life, and he’d always try to live a good life to be worthy of them.

“Honey, what day is it?”

“Friday?”

“What date?”

Sehun frowns slightly while trying to recall what he saw on the screen of his phone this morning. “October 2nd.”

“Oh, okay. Exactly a month before the album launch.”

“Your new song is gonna debut on top of every music chart as usual.”

The life he’s living feels good and so fitting. It’s as if everything was always bound to happen. As if he was always bound to be Oh Sehun, to be born into his family. As if he was always bound to be a professional help for the broken souls.

As if he and Jongin were always bound to meet.

-★-

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> Dear readers, this universe is so vast, the life you live holds endless of possibilities you'll never predict. Despite stating repeatedly throughout the story that there was a path designed for our life, I'd also like to say that we live every day to find the path and stick to it, thus from our point of view, there are so many ways we should choose one from.
> 
> Sometimes, if not the most, we'd find ourselves stuck in one point and get left behind by everyone and everything else. It's more than alright to take baby steps, to do it all slowly, or just take a moment to stay still and observe, or even just to close our eyes and get some rest. In tough times, remember to be kind to yourself :)
> 
> Maybe some of us won't get our own Jongin in this life, but we surely don't need to get a Jongin to be able to live it. And we don't even have to live oh so gloriously; staying alive until today, being able to breathe at this exact second, is already an achievement for us, already a win against everything that wants to take us down.
> 
> We're all still here today, and that's the proof that we have won another battle.
> 
> P.S. This was written as a gift for my dearest S/C <3 Happy belated birthday! In case you haven't noticed, you've been my Jongin all along. You made me see that it's possible to have a friend who genuinely cares about you and wants to make you smile - although I still think I don't deserve you :') I wrote Jongin with the thought of you. Thank you, again and again, for being my friend.


End file.
